The Blame Game

I am aware that I used to play it and now I do not.

Was IT part of the problem?
or
Was IT a necessary step to figure out the blurry line between ME and the rest of the world?

Don't know.

I could make the argument hold - either way.

I suppose my husband and my therapist jump to mind now as very easy, non threatening example.

Because my therapist would ask me something about my husband and I would often say - that is in his head - or that is in his lap. Meaning that he has to deal with that himself. It is not something that I am willing to 'fix' for him. I am not talking about drama - or serious things - I am talking about the regular things that living with someone else brings.

Does this mean he screws everything up? (most days I would answer NO to that, but some days I have to tell you that I might say yes).

Does this mean that I would let something get totally screwed up just because it was HIM and not me? NO.

I am not talking about spite here.

spite
n.
1. Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.
2. An instance of malicious feeling.
tr.v. spit·ed, spit·ing, spites
1.
a. To show spite toward.
b. To vent spite on.
2.
a. To fill with spite.
b. To annoy: He did it just to spite her.Idiom:
in spite of
Not stopped by; regardless of: They kept going in spite of their fears.


I suppose I AM talking about serenity.

God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

The second half of that is for Cindy - she has commented before that the first half is always used and the second half rarely. And she loves the whole thing - together.

When I stopped playing the blame game. Things got a lot calmer in my head. It got easier to understand and make better choices.

The past became history - instead of over shadowing, coloring the present.

I suppose that the past became a sort of reverse foundation. Like learning what NOT to do with my kids. And learning what NOT to chose in my own life.

I suppose the past put the responsibility of my history in someone else's lap.

And the responsibility - of now - in mine.

Need to watch carbs or can you just count calories?????

I decided - when the plan introduced the carb load days back into the mix - that it felt healthier to add them back EVENly over the course of the whole day - instead of loading at the end of the day. And if you remember, I feel very strongly about eating portions and always eating carbs and protein together. The book (if you look hard) suggests this as an option.

Debby had a link to this (EXCELLENT beyond words) posting - that I think applies to every single one of us in weight loss blog land - here is one paragraph:

"At my meals, I ensure that I have a balance of protein and not too many carbs; at least one serving each per meal or snack. When I had gestational diabetes, I learned from the nutritionist that one can maintain a more even blood sugar by spreading out one's carb servings throughout smaller meals and snacks during the day and by ensuring that you eat a little of your protein when you eat your carbs. (Similar to the recommendations made by the insulin resistance diet authors.) I eat a lot of non-starchy vegetables, sometimes omitting a starch serving in favor of more non-starchy vegetables. I eat as "clean" as possible: fewer processed foods, more "real" foods. Oh, and I kicked the diet soda habit...not sure how much that helped, but I suspect it did."


Vickie again:
And - I have used my mom's husband's monitor to check myself on occasion (fresh needle/poke thing each time - no worries). I do NOT tend to have blood sugar run high. BUT I have to tell you - I totally understand that I would be if I ate like a 'normal person' (remember I mean the people that you see in line and the DMV and grocery store - not the magical people that many bloggers long to be) I would be diabetic. And I (personally) do not believe - at all - in the word PREdiabetic - you either ARE or you AREN'T.

I have to tell you - the nutrition class which I took in the VERY beginning had us take a test to see

do we needed to lower carbs?
or
can we just count everything?
(calorie sensitive)

The rest is under comments (attached to this posting) so that it is less likely to be picked up by an internet scan. I try to stay under the radar at all times. . .

I know when something is TOO much for me - and IT doesn't roll into food any more - but sometimes IT rolls to the floor

The boy that is the same age as the youngest - where I was the calming force for the mother when he was a baby - had the same reaction as a child - that I STILL do - when I absolutely can't cope - have to protect myself - fetal position.

When the little boy was doing (fetal position) as a toddler and preschooler - the mother had no idea. One day she commented (to me) that every time she turned around - he was on the ground.

And I said - yes, he is ON the ground - but what he is doing is fetal position.

And this shocked her.

And I was right - not over reacting - that IS what the child was doing.

Mine isn't all the way on the ground - it is more of a squat with my arms wrapped around my legs and my head tucked.

Was I beaten regularly as a child? Nope. But after reading all that - it was probably the first place your mind went.

An example of something that sent me into a squat?

The day that my husband's brother called to say he had separated from his wife. Am I particularly fond of her - no - but she TOLD him from the very beginning that she never wanted children. And she had no idea this was coming. She is just turning 50 and is now alone and in a bad financial situation. (Do I think that my husband would divorce me - NO.) But hearing my husband's side of the conversation in the car was unsettling (sitting in the parking lot at the grocery store - we were on our way IN). When we got to the produce section - it hit me hard and down I went.

Another example? Walking over to my mom's house - just before the oldest left for college. My husband said something that was insightful (which is rare) and down I went - squatting in the middle of the sidewalk on the edge of a busy road. My husband thought I was having an attack or seizure of some kind (maybe this is why he stays oblivious - it might be easier on him.)

So, no it isn't over anything terribly threatening to me - and nothing physical. It is more like moments when my guard is down and something catches me by surprise. And you know - not much catches me by surprise - any where - any time.

I am very familiar with squats now - because I do all sorts of them in yoga and free weights. And I recognize that I REALLY have that 'tuck' instinct - when something is too much.

And in exercise - it is actually a very handy reflex - pain in my lower back - wobblies/dizzies - down I go into a squat - it is pure reflex. I am usually down and safe before I even realize I HAD the pain or dizzies.

So I personally do not find it to be a flaw or embarrassing. It is my built in barometer - with very quick reflexes.

And at the grocery store - as long as I take produce down with me - I can pretend I dropped it. Or I guess on the sidewalk I can pretend I am examining ants. And I am not easily embarrassed. I could be in my underwear and squatting and it probably wouldn't phase me. Things are what they are.

Beside the exercise thing - in the rest of my life - I hardly ever have that instinctive squat reaction - because I am very careful where I put myself.

I am not a 'public' kind of person. I do not go to free, open to the public type things. I tend to stick to private things where I know the kind of crowd that will attend and the noise volume and the quality of the lighting and the safety factors.

I don't think timid - I think 'higher' end.

This general topic came up on the way home from the open house - because the girls both said that they missed that family and asked WHY we had stopped seeing them for the past couple years.

I did not belittle the question.

The answer was because I could not take them.

There was a revolving door of babies through that house. Crack babies, toddlers removed from their mothers, all sad, sad stories. And that has finally all settled down.

They are down to one baby (the one year old) - that they have had since birth - that is thriving - and that they hope will stay with them. And that I can take.

So the girls stayed away - because I stayed away - when it was all too much.

Middle child loaded 'before' pictures of my closet under the stairs here.
and
She added more house pictures here.

I usually see a baby and sort of go the opposite direction - glad to be past my baby years - but still understand them

We went to the open house (Saturday) with the idea that if I was not doing well - we would stay ONE HOUR and leave. The girls knew this - my husband knew this.

My husband was NOT annoying about it - but did check in with me several times to see if I was okay or hanging on by my finger nails. From the outside - it is hard to know with me - he is smart enough to ask and not to assume. Because (since) he is male - chances are REALLY high that if he assumes - he is going to assume wrong. . .

I did fine and we stayed all afternoon.

It was a very hot Indiana day. I stayed in the house with the air conditioning. And I visited with the oldest daughter who had a very premature baby 15 months ago - he still has a GI tube and a trach and all kinds of health problems. She kept him mostly in the air conditioning. So she and I visited. And also listened for the mom's baby.

The sleeping baby is the mom's (of the high school grad) youngest - who just turned one. So the daughter with the baby is the oldest at 25 and then baby I was listening for (on the baby monitor) is the youngest at one. They are in the process of adopting her - she has been with them since birth. So the youngest is the same age as the (preemie) grandson. There are three other boys - high school grad is the youngest of the boys - and one more girl that is 13. Six kids total - age 1 to 25 span. Only the baby is adopted - rest are their birth children. Large families are NOT unusual here - there are many families with 8+ kids.

The mom (of the 6) said something to me about loving babies - and I did tell her that I do not gravitate toward them (like she still does). But I happily listened to the baby monitor (for several hours since I stayed in the house) - and went and got the baby - changed her pants - got her a drink and carried her around on my hip until the mom had time to get her.

It is easy to tell that she is the youngest of 6 - she didn't care that she didn't know me - she was just glad to get up after her nap and get clean pants. She was very happy on my hip - the crowds were a little much for her.

But least you think I turned baby-gaga. When I changed her pants - I was not making baby noises at her - I was saying - do not pee on me.

And I think she was very comfortable on my hip - because I wasn't in her face - I just let her be.

I will tell you that (every once in a while) I hold a fussy baby somewhere for someone - and they (I suppose baby and mom) usually calm right down - because I am not all 'baby mania' all over them. I am low key.

And for a high anxiety person - that is a bit of a contradiction. I suppose babies do not make me nervous.

Long ago - a friend used to call me - to go over to her house - to calm both her and the baby down - when she was at her wits end. She said it was like a breeze of calm.

This was a baby with problems. And they would work each other into a 'state' and SHE would sit there and wonder - 'do I need to take the baby to the ER or I am actually doing this by being upset?'

So I suppose I was the determining factor.

If I came over and picked up the baby and everyone calmed right down - it was emotional.

If continued hysterics - baby was in true distress.

I remember one year - it was my birthday - and I was there for two hours - in my pj's - calming everyone down. I never told her it was my birthday. She still doesn't know.

That baby is now (the same age as my youngest) 11 and is doing really well. (And I suppose it says a lot that I had the same age baby at my house - and was able to go to her house and be calm.)

But I have never forgotten her being able to recognize that the whole problem might be in her perception.

She wasn't wishing to make things worse - it was not attention seeking - but she recognized that she was feeding into her own frenzie.

I supposed I was the barometer. Her tool to be able to tell what was black and what was white at a very confusing time.

Think about ALL of this in regard to food.

Over eating in particular.

Because somewhere in this story of upset babies - there is a parallel to my being able to stay calm - about food. And please know that staying EVEN (to start) prevents the whole situation from escalating.

Last Saturday (if you are looking for it later - this is one with all the carb talk in comments)

Middle child and I went to a 4H Dog Show in the morning.
Then we went to a high school graduation open house all afternoon.

(It was after the open house that we had the blood sugar excitement with my mom's husband - see yesterday's post).

I actually slept in the car for the first two hours of the dog show. Then I went in and watched the last hour and a half. I am very allergic to dogs - but being in the same building did not appear to set off my asthma/allergies. If I am bad later in the week - remind me it is fall out from Saturday.

Before we went to the dog show - I ate eggbeaters omelet and a serving of oatmeal.

Nothing at the show.

On the way home we ran two errands for my mom.

So the plan was to jump in the shower and change out of the 'dog air clothes'. Jump into fresh clothes and run to the open house.

I comment to the middle child (running the errands) that I was trying to figure out what to do about food.

She suggested eating one serving of cottage cheese (to hold me). And then eating at the open house.

Got home - no cottage cheese - which is VERY unusual for me. (Later - we went FLYING to the store while my mom was pumping the juice and food into her husband - in case I had to pack food and be at the hospital all night.)

So, I hoped for the best and went to the open house HUNGRY.

There was a HUGE veggie tray - and I ate as much as I wanted - in two sessions - one at 2pm when we got there and another at 5pm when we were leaving.

I also ate meatballs which would have been HIGH calorie counts (both carbs and fat and SALT) - but at least were protein.

I also ate veggie pizza - which would have also been high calorie counts (both carbs and fat) but at least had some nutritional merit. I decided I would rather have the veggie pizza than anything that was straight sugar/carbs (desserts). So that is what I did.

And then I did not eat anything else for the rest of the day. And both of these sessions were MEALS - I did not pick at food all day.

This is my only off (8 week) plan day - so far - and it did not stress me. It was a baseline day. Not a carb up day. If it had been a carb up day - it probably would have been more in line. And the next day (Sunday) - I knew was a carb down day - so it would balance out at bit.

I am writing this on Sunday. And what I do notice is this: I am carb hungry. And I know this is pure science. I ate over processed carbs - so now I am going to have to white knuckle it all day today - the next day.

And it is good that today (Sunday) is a carb down day.
Because that makes it CLEARLY defineable.

My oatmeal for breakfast is IT for the day. The rest of the day is veggies and protein. And only the safe veggies - the dark green stuff. Not the borderline fruit/starch veggies (no peas, carrots, tomatoes, etc).

And once I white knuckle it through today (Sunday) - it will be easier.

And were the veggie pizza and the meatballs worth the trouble? I sort of think they were. They tasted good. Calorie wise they were not totally out of control - of what was there - they were the lesser evil. It is just - today - chemically - they are a pain in the ass. (No migraine if you were wondering).

Sandwiched

As I sit here writing (on Sunday) - I am writing tomorrow's post - only ONE day ahead - and that is very unusual. On some level - I must have had a very EVEN week last week - because there are no posts scheduled/queued up for this week. So obviously no pondering issues. But as I think about it - I think that I have also been busy - and pressured.

I had a hard time with my mom and her husband all last week (actually now that I think about it - it has been two weeks). She has not been feeling well since she took my nephew to meet my brother two weeks ago.

When she said she wanted to drive herself (to meet my brother half way)- I let her. I knew better at the time. But I thought - she is a big girl - if she wants to - let her.

And this (reaction on my part) was mostly due to her husband. She wanted to get him 'out' (of the house) and I did not want to be in the car with him for 3+ hours (1 1/2 hours each way). I did not want to deal with getting him in and out of the restaurant. I did not want to eat with him.

So, my insisting on driving - would also have meant that I would have had to say - 'ummmm, if I am going, then he is not going'. And I couldn't quite figure out how to do that.

On the way there (to pick up the nephew at the beginning of his visit) it was easy - both girls wanted to go - my mom wanted to go - one extra body on the trip back (my nephew) so - no room for my mom's husband.

But for this trip - I would have had to take a stand - and even though I knew deep down that she shouldn't drive - I let her.

Now I (and she) have been paying the piper for two full weeks (since the return trip with the nephew). And actually the first week - I thought she might be dying. (Cardiac patient on borrowed time).

I even had her remind me of where all the papers were and what I was supposed to do with her husband - just in case (papers are in the cabinet by the front door - one of the sons is in Michigan for the summer - call him to get in the car and come deal - pronto).

In addition to my own stuff - I have had all their errands/grocery shopping, checking in on them several times a day - every day. It is not a lot of stuff - it is just constant.

And my yoga studio is now closed and the pick up classes are not automatic to me - I have to keep checking three different facility schedules to know what I am doing - and when. And I planned to walk a LOT, but the weather is not cooperating.

And it has been hot - chest compressing hot - so I have not been able to walk over for each check - I have to drive - and have been stopping on my way (to or fro) each time I leave the neighborhood.

Do you remember that my mom has a hard time picking out things?

This week - the ceiling fan in her bedroom died, the living room one did too. And she put too high of a voltage light bulb in the one above her dining room table (end of the kitchen) and it blew up (literally, arch of electricity went from the fixture down to the table - if it had arched over the direction, where they were standing, it would have killed her husband, in his wheelchair, with his pacemaker/defib).

So one day I spent a couple hours at the fixture store buying new ones and then called the electrician. It is now all installed and functioning. And I thought of the whole thing as proactive. They are fixtures that would have needed replaced if I needed to list the house with a Realtor. So at some point I would have been doing this anyway. Now it is done. They can enjoy them. And it was an efficient use of the electrician's fee - one trip fee - all is done at the same time.

It was actually easier that my mom was not well - made the buying go much faster - to just do it myself. And yes, I am able to pick out things that they genuinely love - with no trouble. Remember - I found the house that they live in now. And they love that house. (Shopping was Wednesday, electricians were Friday).

And then Saturday - her husband was not doing well - blood sugar was nuts and horrible GI trouble. I thought I was headed to the ER with him - but then literally - he almost died and then rallied.

My mom was checking on him constantly. It was a day where if he had been in a nursing home and not monitored closely he would have just slipped away and they would have found him dead in his bed. Or if he lived alone - he wouldn't have been alert enough to get help - dead in his bed again.

Because of his GI trouble - he had taken his insulin but then delayed in eating (literally running/wheeling to the toilet). His blood sugar had bottomed out - big time - lowest it has ever been. My mom found him clammy and out of it - in his bed.

She got juice in him and then food - and within a half an hour - he was back in the 150's with good color and his mind working again.

He is a wheeling, non-walking reminder of why I eat portions, eat healthy/whole foods, eat a very balanced food plan that is reasonably low in fat/carbs (all carbs - even the healthy ones), eat at meal time, and keep my weight in the normal range.

Measuring food

On the way home from the grocery store - both girls in the car - I said - we bought all kinds of new cereals today. The first time you have some - look on the side of the box and see what a serving size IS and then find the style of bowl that you usually use and measure out a serving size so you know (what it looks like in the bowl without having to measure it each time).

Middle child gave me a big lecture on how she was not doing that.

At one point, I would have bought everything that she said - hook line and sinker. Because I would have thought measuring was part of the solution for me - because I have a food problem.

But I am soooo past that level of thinking.

I said - that is total crap and you know it.

I said - I am not suggesting that you go to the school cafeteria with a set of measuring cups. Every single person, every where, needs to learn how to read the side of a product box and then be able to know how many servings they are eating.

Then I dropped it.

I did hear her in the kitchen, later, getting out a measuring cup and a variety of cereal bowls and quietly dumping cereal from bowl to bowl.

And ever since then - the youngest does what I do - uses a measuring cup - as her spoon to get things out of containers.

And if you think this means these kids are restricting what they eat - think again. If they eat the cereal and they are still hungry - they eat something else - but not more cereal. Portions - variety - not over eating/getting stuck on ONE food.

ME?

I still measure everything that I eat - every day.

Cottage cheese, oatmeal, fruit, egg beaters - I get out the measuring cups every single time.

I don't dump anything (or just go for the general look to measure volume) - I have a LOT of measuring cups and I use them! My food scale is still on my counter. For some things (chicken) I use the size of my fist rule - but many other things I still weigh - every time.

I am not saying that I expect my kids to measure everything.

But some things I do insist - like egg beaters - because that one is a fooler to just dump into a pan. And if we all measure - the package goes a lot further and some how comes out even in the end .

And my pet peeve - processed/wheat based foods (crackers, chips, etc.) - take out a serving - measure, count, whatever - put it on a plate - put the package away in the pantry. Do not take the package with you and eat directly out of it.

And I have no illusions that this need to measure is a faulty perception problem on my part. I think it is what we all should be doing - and teaching our kids.

STATS / 8 weeks / Summer of 2009

6/27/09 (start weight) 153 lbs
7/4/09 (end of Week One) 148.5 lbs
7/11/09 (end of Week Two) 147.5 lbs

Baby Steps - they never go out of fashion

For many, family

holidays -

at home -

the vacation time

itself was catch22

for me.

I did not do well with holidays for many years - and I really think this catch22 was a big part of the problem.

Having projects that I needed help getting done, but not wanting to interfere with everyone else's down time.

When everyone was gone (work, school) I mostly saw things that needed done that I needed/wanted help. And I felt paralyzed.

When everyone was home - I felt bad asking for help - because I was always home - and they had limited time at home.

Everyone around here is now big - lots of REAL help. And this summer - we have really kicked back - very few activities - NO go, go, go - NO rush, rush, rush.

The middle child and I have been sorting and cleaning and organizing - at a fairly steady clip. Not every day - but some days - we tackle something major and work it through to the end.

My feelings about major chores are totally different with two sets of hands. And she abhors clutter and is a natural organizer - so she is a good work mate.

The other three (workers) are enlisted for hauling, putting bits away in other rooms, and trash. And this is mostly when we are finished (and tired) and they are just glad that they didn't get roped into the whole project.

It started last fall when the oldest purged his room before leaving for college.

And then based on what she saw with the oldest, the middle child did her own room last winter.

Then the youngest purged her room just after school released in May.

And then it continued when we finally dealt with the castoffs from the middle child's room - that I foolishly told her to pile in the entry way. (My original plan was to go through it all while they were on spring break - but I never did.) With the youngest - we were much smarter - only touched things once.

But that entry way purge got us moving.

We went on to the cupboards in the computer room, and then the files in the window seat in the living room.

And now are in the closet in my sewing/beading/craft room. I actually SEW in the closet - and it is a large one (under the stairs).

This is a biggie - it never really GOT organized 8 years ago when we moved in this house. And that is rather silly - because there is MAJOR storage in that closet - two big sets of floor to ceiling shelves and a huge bulletin board.

But it is my dumping ground - anything craft or sewing related - I set (dump) in there with the thought that I will organize it 'some day'.

The end result is that I shudder to go in that room. I sort of hold my breath and dive in quick - for absolute necessity mending.

And it is time consuming to find things. There are a lot of great things there. I don't think that I have re bought (much) because of needs, when I couldn't find what I have, but I am sure that it has happened.

So we are baby stepping our way through this really big project - and then will continue on - through the house.

If you want to read a really good posting of baby steps and weight loss - visit Debby - she wrote a very good one earlier in the week.

Any one else care to discuss my body ???

My body seemed to be the topic of conversation early in the week (in real life) and that is unusual.

Yesterday, I talked about the fact that my family just sort of accepts the size and shape that I am now.

Laura echoed this in comments saying: "I completely understand where you are coming from on what your kids/friends/family remember of you. I've only been this size for 2 years & it is so foreign to everyone, thinking of me at 200 pounds."

Make that ditto for me.

People just get used to seeing the size that you are. And there are MANY people, that I am around now, that did not know me then.

So, I do not get comments/questions about my 'journey' on a regular basis. Actually I get more questions about working out with a bad lower back than anything else.

I haven't had unsolicited people analyzing my body parts in a LONG time. The people that I talked to about pears/apples and BMI - yes - because I brought it up - but out of the blue comments - stopped long ago.

And just so you know - when the comments stopped - I was ready for them to stop. I did NOT miss the attention that happens with weight loss.

Today's Post:
There were two people in the morning zumba (at my old gym) Monday morning that stopped and asked about my weight loss.

One remembered me from before (215+ lbs) - and I really think that she understands how far I have come. She wasn’t mean – I was not offended – she just said that she can’t believe the difference. She was talking about losing the fat - but she was also talking about my conditioning. She specifically mentioned remembering me in Pilate's with Kris who was a stickler for body positioning. I had very little control over any of my body parts at that time - Kris was looking for isolation of muscles and frankly - my body just sort of flopped around. . .I did not cringe that this lady remembered those days. I appreciate that there is someone out there that is witness to my journey.

The other lady (only) remembers me from a year and a half ago (when I started free weights). She said she can't believe the difference. There are very few pound differences (in that last year and a half) but HUGE tone differences.

What prompted all this - I think it is the loss of more weight over the past couple weeks. It is very small amounts, but at this size one can literally SEE each pound (coming off). It is very interesting.

I did tell them that I was working on the last ten. And they were hunting for excess skin and looking at my remaining fat pockets.

Is this offensive to me?

NO! It is actually very refreshing to have someone not coddling me. Have them accept that where I was - is where I was - and that what is still here - is still here - and that it isn't terrible - it is just a fact.

I felt like I was talking to one of you – when I talked to these two.

I do not feel intimidated by the 'last ten' - that you hear so many people complain about - I feel empowered.

And I understand - on some level - why these two were fascinated.

To you and I - here in blog land - this stuff is all routine. We are used to looking at before pictures and looking at in progress pictures. We are used to reading about people's thought processes, feelings.

In real life - not so much.

And these are workout people. They are used to muscle isolation and working on key toning places. So it IS interesting to have a real life specimen in front of them. If I knew another 'me' in real life - I would be very interested in what was going on with their body too.

I was doing this same thing in reverse - asking fit people - if they gained - where would it attach itself to their body. These ladies were just doing it the forward way - as you lose - where does it leave - ?

I have seen both of them again - this week - and they did not do a repeat performance - it will not turn into THE topic each time we meet in class. I think it was just the one time - because I dropped a bit more weight -and they can see it. But now, in process again - it will become the new normal. In just a few weeks - this same size or a bit smaller - I will just look like myself.

what will they remember?

I mentioned that the middle child added pictures to my flcker account on the 4th.

She also went through my whole slide show while she was there. She had never been on my flcker account before - had a very good time looking at all the pics.

She loved all the ones of Helen - who she adores.

When she saw the side angle one with my BELLY - she said that it was probably very convenient for carrying kids (it actually was). Have you ever heard of a more diplomatic response to a really bad belly picture? I suppose she thinks of those pictures as 'baby years' and therefore isn't too horrified.

ME? I am still slightly shocked each time I see that particular picture. There are almost NO standing pictures from a (15 year time) period and even in the sitting ones, I almost always have a kid or two in/on/in front of me. When I see that picture it isn't so much cringe or ego factor - it is more remembering how far I had to go, how much I had to DO, to get from there to here. Not interested in putting myself in the position of having to do it all again. . .

If you look at that picture and say - well - you just had a baby - that baby was born in January and from the clothes it looks like June or July. And my belly WAS the biggest part of me for a l-o-n-g time. Baby or no.

(Beside the belly) It is my neck and face and upper arms that really stand out to me in pictures. I actually am just as shocked by the picture of me in the green shirt - where I had taken off my glasses - as I am by the belly picture. And the gree shirt picture was taken near the start of this blog - when I was well into my losing phases.

Besides all that (above) what I really wanted to talk about is that my kids pretty much only think of me as I am now. Even the oldest.

They remember that my food habits were very different - they can see/remember that change.

But my body - not so much.

The exercise habits and the body size that I have now - are just the normal to them.

Remember that I actually ASKED the oldest what he remembered about my larger size body - and he REALLY did not remember.

I mentioned (to him) that I lost for two years and then maintained for two years and am now in my fifth year (losing the last bits) and - he was a little startled.

He counted back to see what ages/grades he was when all of this was going on and even after he placed the time frame - he couldn't really remember much about it.

This also came up (with him) not too long ago about my middle child pregnancy. I was on IV's and bed rest for most of that pregnancy. I was home - but non functioning.

And the oldest has very little memory of any of that year. And I know why - because HIS life was no different.

He still ate his meals and had his friends and went to preschool. I was immobile but still read books and did puzzles/games and watched movies. Actually he probably had MORE of me - because I did not go anywhere or do anything and worked hard to keep his life normal.

So the difficulties of that time period - that all of the rest of us remember - went right over his head (he was three and turned four just before middle child was born).

I totally understand that this is normal kid think.

They pretty much notice what impacts them. So the food changes they remember - because when my food habits changed - eventually their eating changed. But my body size did not impact them directly - so that they sort of let roll.

My blog account is minimized at the bottom of the house computer screen pretty much all the time. And everyone in the house is on and off that same computer. Does anyone click to read??? - I don't think ever.

Before you get any ideas that they are respecting my privacy - just set that aside - everyone still barges in on me on the toilet and the tub. (But they have stopped stripping and jumping IN with me every time I am in the tub - the toddler days are over).

It is more a matter that it has little to do with them.

Even on the days that I mention something I wrote about one of them - they are interested in those little bits - but SO not interested in anything else. They would consider it a CHORE to read my blog.

Moms are important - but only as kids' foundations - not as separate people (to the kids).

My husband is very much the same way - much more interested in me if I am not doing well - because he knows if I bottom out - he is going to have to pick up the slack.

If I am doing well - he doesn't analyze WHY I am doing well - he just takes it at face value and goes on with HIM.

I don't take this personally. I think most men are self centered (not to a glaring degree - but pretty much revolve in their little world. I think the ones that have been divorced are better - they know the hell of all that - and take action to keep things smooth and keep their new partner happier. But I think part of that is self serving too.)

Where in the heck was I?

I think I was here - with this point: My kids memories will not be of a fat mom. And I was fat for most of their childhoods. My kids memories seem to be of healthy food, and lot of exercise activities and a lean, fit body.

I guess most of us struggle with the fact that we live in the past. And live in our woulda-shoulda-coulda's. But if we get our kids on their feet (which we mostly seem to) - our kids do not think that way. Our kids live in the present.

Notes from Week Two

WEEK TWO 7/4/09 – 7/10/09:

My exercise for the week:
Saturday – walk to my moms
Sunday – walk to my moms
Monday – 3 Zumba classes
Tuesday – free weights class, (stretch yoga class)
Wednesday – 2 Zumba classes, flow yoga class (hard)
Thursday – free weights class, flow yoga class (hard again), 1 Zumba class
Friday – walk to my moms - stretch yoga class (on my own at home – yoga studio is now closed for two full weeks!)

My food for the week:
This week there were three different meal schedules – 3 carb down days, 3 baseline days, 1 carb up day – all in a precise order - the carb up day has a carb down day in front of it and then a baseline after it. Interesting.

Saturday (Day One of Week Two).
First, I cannot tell you how excited I was to get my morning oatmeal back! And then, you know, even with all that I understand about food - this week has been an eye opener. Went to eat the oatmeal (Saturday) morning and already knew that I was not adding raisins (1/8 cup, 65 calories, 0g fat, 15.5g carbs, .5g protein) but then I hesitated over milk. Not agonized over milk – just thought about milk. Skim milk is 90 calories, 0fat, 13g carbs, 8g protein. Rice milk is 120 calories, 2.5g fat, 23g carbs, 1g protein. Those counts are all for a full cup and I used a 1/4 cup (yes, I measure) and went with the skim. But after looking at all that - wasn't sure that the skim actually makes sense. I might be better off with 2% so that I am picking up a little fat. Remember the lady that told me to switch to lowfat cottage cheese and yogurt (here on my blog?) – I DID switch – right then when she told me – but we stuck with skim milk - ??? This week has taught me that even though I thought was being very careful about carbs - I am STILL eating a disproportionate amount of them - each and every day. And THE FIRST WEEK - with dropping the carbs SO low - I realized the importance of adding back fat to compensate. Like the full fat cottage cheese - being very low carb - that was important. It was hard to make myself DO – have not had full fat anything in a very long time – but I did do it – ONLY for the stripped down carb week – NOT on an ongoing basis.


Sunday –tired of (continuous) carb down and ready for Monday!

Monday
Today is a baseline day - which means two carbs (both before 3pm). Two carbs is going to feel like a lot.

ZUMBA- extravaganza: There was someone at the 9:15am Zumba class at the gym (trying a pick up class – in preparation for the yoga studio being closed - like I was) that also goes to 3:45pm Zumba (at the yoga studio) and she said - do you want to try to another zumba (same teacher for all 3) at another facility at 5:30pm?And I said sure - so three classes – at three different facilities. I have never even tried two on the same day. And it wasn’t too long ago that ONE Zumba class kicked my butt.

And it is good that (3 Zumba day) worked out as my first baseline (two carbs before 3pm) day. I need the carbs to make it through multiple hours of cardio. I think it might be good for my body chemistry to have the carbs (be fed) and then also be worked (hard).

ADDED LATER: I was able to do everything in all three Zumba classes –my moves were not as ‘big’ by the third class – but I was still moving! (And the woman that suggested it – pooped out after #2. But I still went to #3.) On the way home I was saying ‘step together step, step together step, one- two-three-four’ it sorts of works its way into your subconscious.

Tuesday - exhausted day – it was a baseline day – I don’t think the exhausted had a thing to do with food and exercise – I think it was mostly staying up too late (kids, movies) and hormones (my face is slightly broken out, which NEVER happens).

Wednesday – two Zumba classes on a carb DOWN day – good thing I did the three classes on a baseline day – so I know I will be able to do two. I do not look at it as deprivation – I look at it as teaching my body to dig into stores. I have no illusions that fat just magically falls off. . .

Thursday – carb UP day – I thought it might freak me out – but it did not. I thought very hard about what I REALLY wanted. And that is what I ate. I did three challenging classes and that helped - in my mind I was feeding - but then working. I don't think I could have a carb UP day without really working. It would be disharmony to me. (I also took a long nap in the afternoon. )

Friday – baseline day – and catch up around the house and stretch/rest my body day. I am tired.

Well it turns out that yesterday's posting was for a very good reason. . .

Part 1:
I wrote yesterday's posting (Wednesday, last week) and then the very next day (after writing) was the day (Thursday) that I had a major migraine.

I went to an extra Zumba class in the evening (Migraine day). It was at my old gym. And was with the same instructor that I use for Zumba at the yoga studio. So, when I went - with my migraine - I was thinking the migraine is the only thing that I have to compensate for - everything would be the same.

Instructor's daughter was sick - there was a sub - that I had never had - who played VERY fast (LOUD) music and gave NO directions. She just took off with the first fast song - and kept going. And there were mirrors - all across the front of the room.

If I had not thought about - yesterday's posting - digested my feelings about the whole topic - I would never have made it through this (migraine, fast, no directions, loud, mirror) class.

When I realized all of the above - standing in the doorway last Thursday evening - I said to myself - you just have to shake it off - let your mind go - and let your body follow her feet. And I did.

My migraine was better - not worse by the end - and I sweated up a storm - which is always a good feeling.

There is a reason that I write this blog. It is the most effective way for me to recognize what is going on - really digest it - and learn from it. Every day.


Part 2:
This past Monday, I planned TWO Zumba classes. One at my old gym (above, again, except no sick daughter so my regular instructor) and one at the yoga studio. I have never tried two Zumba classes on the same day. But this was part of my planning different strategies for my upcoming two week break from the yoga studio.

When I got to the extra class - 9:45am at the gym - there was another yoga studio lady there doing the same thing. Only she planned to take it a step further. She planned to take a THIRD Zumba class - taught by the same instructor at another (third) exercise facility (where I had never, ever been).

She asked me if I wanted to attend (the third) also - I said sure.

So this past Monday - I did THREE Zumba classes. (Which is a lot of cardio. )

The lady who suggested it - pooped out after the second class - but I made it through all three - although my moves were not as 'big' by the third.

There were some constants - same instructor - who sticks with the same CD all day when she has multiple classes. It makes it easier for her to remember the moves (which only makes sense). So, it was actually GREAT for me - a lot of cardio - really learned the moves for that CD - and painless way to condition myself to BEING at three different facilities with different air conditioning/fans, lighting, mirrors, procedures.

And all of this was possible because I really worked through my anxiety from that day when the music was too fast and the moves were too zippy and I was the weakest link in the class.

maybe it wasn't as fast as I thought it was (Zumba class mini meltdown)

I am at 1,500 posts today***.
That is a lot of posts.

I have not reread them all - actually I never re-read (most of them) after the week they post. Every once in a while I am back digging in my own archives looking for a date or an event and reread a few. No cringe factor. More just remembering how I felt then and comparing it to how things are now. I notice the differences in my perceptions.

Do you remember this posting - the day that the music was too fast and the moves were too jumpy and I left Zumba class? And I thought I was 'right'. Remember that I told the Yoga Studio owner that I thought the music was too much (and unreasonable for most of the women that attend the class)?

As I have pondered that posting - there have been many days since then - in Zumba - where I have thought - is this the same CD that she played that day that was too much - only now it is not too much - now it is normal?

I haven't asked - I haven't worried about it. It has just occurred to me - in many classes since then - that it was probably my perception that day - rather than the music/moves.

At the time - no one would have been able to convince me - but now I think it was ME.

I think that one of the key factors - two teenagers in the class with me - and the instructor. And my perceptions of what I am able to do - shifted because of it.

I was the weakest link.

I have noticed several things about my perceptions in Zumba. If I watch the moves - instead of making myself just do them - they look too hard. If I keep the mental part out of it and clear my mind and just cue my body to move like the instructor's - I can do the moves - no problem. Stop and analyze - big problems.

And

If there is someone else in class that is a weaker link than I am - then I do better. It is not so much trying to show them up - as it is being able to relax and encourage them. I guess it is like having a buddy.

This topic - Zumba Run Out of Class Day - recently resurfaced at my house. That day of the unfortunate Zumba class - the two teenagers in class - sisters in fact - live on the street behind us and attend all the same schools as my kids.

And the oldest ran into them at a neighborhood party. And the first thing they said was - your mom was in class with us one day - got tears in her eyes - and ran out without saying a word.

I didn't say a word to them or the instructor - but did stop in the doorway and tell the owner at the front desk that I was leaving. And just last week - another lady did this very same thing - and I didn't think it was odd. I actually thought - she might have had phone in her pocket on vibrate and it went off, she might have to leave early for an appointment, class might have been too much for her. I suppose the difference was that she didn't look upset to me - and I must have looked upset to the teenagers.

Do they think something specific about this? I don't know. Maybe they thought I was a big baby - maybe they thought I was hurt. Don't know.

But MY oldest teases me (gently) about this.

When something happens he says - so is this the same, better, worse than the day the music was too fast and you ran out of Zumba in tears? Or if I bring something up about him (that he doesn't like) he says - shall we talk about one sad day in Zumba? Only he doesn't call it Zumba - he calls it dance class.

And I don't know that I actually WAS in tears - that is the teenagers' perception.

It sort of keeps it all in perspective.

And like writing it here - it opens up the possibilities to learn from it - rather than hide it or bury it. It isn't exactly a cringe factor. It is a perception ponder factor.

I have been back to Zumba since then - in fact I don't think I have ever missed a Zumba class (at the Yoga Studio) with this instructor - I was late one day last week and she commented on the fact that I am very dedicated and good about always being there - and she was wondering where I was.

As long as I am talking about tease factors - here is the second one:
The oldest occasionally pinches my inch. He (gently, not mean spirited) pinches the fat that is on the back side of my underarm - at my bra line. Yes, one of my remaining fat pockets. And asks me 'so how is this going for you?'

And I think I need that sort of thing.

Now when he does this - the middle child pipes up in an indignant voice and says - she is working on her last few pounds so that (hopefully) that goes away.

But even if/when it is gone - he will still bring it up - saying shall we talk about the inch that we used to be able to pinch?

He is old enough to remember my REAL fat. He does not say a word about that. (I typed that and then asked him - and that is the making of another posting to appear sometime in the future - his answers were not what I thought they would be).

The girls 11 and 15 really do not remember - I was just mom then - and am just mom now - kids are not all that interested in parents. They have a vague idea that I was bigger - but if they saw a cardboard cutout of me - or saw me strap on a fat suit (Biggest Loser - how far you have come show each season) - they would be shocked. I probably would be shocked too.



***actually 1500 was the day before yesterday - this is 1502 - but this posting fit (better) into the batting order here - so what is a girl to do?

If you are in maintenance and able to hold your goal weight range with lots of eating out and processed food choices - you will want to skip me today.

From HANLIE (added later): Once I “got” this, I understood so many of my past behaviors. It was incredibly liberating to realize that I’m not as weak and messed up as I’d always believed. I was just having a physiological response to the food I’d been eating!

My original post:
Barbara wrote this over a month ago - June 1st.

I don't think I even commented on that posting -
but I have been thinking about it ever since.

I think that the additives in processed food are insidious.

in·sid·i·ous (n-sd-s) adj.
1. Working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner:
insidious rumors; an insidious disease.
2. Intended to entrap; treacherous: insidious misinformation.
3. Beguiling but harmful; alluring: insidious pleasures.

For the whole month, since Barbara's posting appeared - my mind has been fingering subliminal advertising.

Do you remember subliminal advertising in movies? Advertisers would pay to have pictures of their products (I think mostly food and drinks from the refreshment counter) inserted into the movie. The mind saw them (quick flash) without the viewer actually being aware.

sub·lim·i·nal (sb-lm-nl) adj. Psychology
1. Below the threshold of conscious perception. Used of stimuli.
2. Inadequate to produce conscious awareness but able to evoke a response: subliminal propaganda.

I am not going to link to them - because I don't want to end up with weird comments - but if you type in 'examples of subliminal advertising' on a search engine - very interesting things pop up. I read several of them.

This is exactly what I think happens with processed food - only all the senses and the body's chemistry react - not just the eyes. I think that all the items, in that long list of ingredients that appears on most processed food, combine to send messages of WANTS to the brain and body.

I think that many of us - taste the input of those messages - and have the response - GIVE ME __________________. I want to eat ______________ NOW. Like Cookie Monster.

But I am not sure we know WHERE those messages are coming from. We just know we WANT. And I think that we (mostly) think this is weakness on our part.

I don't think it is weakness - I think when we deal with many processed foods - we are dealing with a very stacked deck.


PS - On a similar topic: Debby posted this one - you might want to take a read - it is very good.

You will be very pleased with the middle child - she uploaded photos that she thought you might like to see (of our house). I think that she successfully obscured our names, address, etc. - you don't really notice in the pictures, but she has slips of paper taped over words and letters here and there. If anyone sees anything identifying - please let me know in comments. The link for my pictures is always on my sidebar (left) with a collection of other reference links.

Putting the old size 12's to very good use

My middle child would not be caught dead in the style of shorts and pants that I wear.

The waist band sits below my navel - across the poochest part of my belly. Stacy and Clinton (I think) would say that they are just the right kind of pants for me. The middle child is of the low riders generation - not crack showing low - but definitely hip huggers.

I was digging through the top of my closet and found 2 pairs of walking shorts and one pair of pants (from who knows how long ago) that were all size 12's. I was surprised to see them - thought they were long gone.

I puzzled for days over who to pass them to - who had the right kind of build and was the right size and would appreciate them (pants still had the price tag on them - never worn).

An idea popped into my head and I asked the middle child how she felt about it.

The idea was one of her best friends who is a size 12, and a pear. Who does not wear hip huggers because on her everything would show. The middle child looked at the walking shorts and pants and agreed that they might be perfect for this girl.

So the middle child gave them to her.

The girl's mother told the girl that they wouldn't fit right.***

But the girl tried them on anyway - and not only did the fit - they made her look great.

They were all neutral colored and had (very slight/light) vertical stripes. So you don't notice that they are stripes at first - but they have that vertical line thing going.

Every time the middle child has seen this girl since - she has had on one of these shorts.

And she is wearing actual shirts with them - not baggy T's. (many times we have picked this child up for an event - and she has come out wearing short shorts and baggy T's - looking just like what the middle child sleeps in).

Middle child says that the girl is extremely pleased with them - thinks that she looks great in them (she does) and is pleased to have something appropriate to wear.

Middle child has been saying for years that this mother should send her credit card, the girl and ME to the mall to do the girl's clothes shopping. She is probably right - but this is a mom that thinks she can do everything perfectly - so that is SO not ever going to happen. BUT - this might open the girl's eyes a bit - as to what does look good on her and the fact that the mother doesn't know what looks good on her.

Either way - I am very glad that they fit and she loves them.

***the mother does not know (appear to know) how to dress a pear. Both mother and daughter are pears. We buy clothes for this girl for the holidays (presents). And they are always a big hit.

acetaminophen

If you are in the habit of taking (over the counter or prescription) pain meds or sleep aids - please take a moment to read this. Very interesting. My psychiatrist had me switch OFF Tylenol PM and ON to Benedryl (for sleep, 365 days a year) for exactly this reason.

I always post on the holidays - and usually a long one - assuming that someone, somewhere is not doing much (me for example) for the holidays and knowing that the streets of blogland will be really empty. But if you want to read a holiday posting that follows the actual THEME of the holiday from a weight loss perspective - here's a good one by Lyn.

There is a part two to the pool saga. And if you have been married for a l-o-n-g time, I am sure you saw it coming.

The week AFTER the first Sunday pool incident, it rained and no one went to the pool.

The week after that the middle child and I went to 9am mass and then stopped at the store on the way home and then stopped at my mom's to pick up the nephew. (I should add that I got up early that day and had done MANY things before we went to mass.)

When we got home, oldest and his car and the husband were (all) gone. From the missing items on the drying rack in the garage, I was pretty sure they were at the pool. The youngest was still in bed (had just woken in an empty house), and had no idea where they were (demerit #1 against the husband).

I mixed three times my normal waffle recipe and put in the refrigerator to chill. I got two big packages of turkey sausage out of the freezer and put it in water to thaw. All the kids (middle, youngest, nephew) got changed and we headed to the pool.

When we pulled into the parking lot - we saw the oldest's car.

When we walked into the pool - they (husband and oldest) were no where to be found.

We asked at the desk and they said - they were just here a minute ago.

The first thing that came to mind was - we missed them - and the littler kids wanted to play with the oldest and the husband. I borrowed a phone from the front desk and called the oldest's cell phone - to tell them to turn around and come back to the pool - he did not answer.

I sent the nephew to the men's locker room and they were not there either.

Then I thought - I have a LOT of breakfast food already started at home. Please do not let it be that we missed them (passing in locker rooms on our ways in and out) and they are now on their way to brunch somewhere.

I borrowed the pool phone again. I tried the oldest's phone again. Still no answer.

I usually know what is going on without half a glance/thought. But I could not figure out this one.
At this point it was more of a puzzle than an irritation. I walked back out to the parking lot to see if the oldest's car was still there and make sure it really was his. It was there and his.

I glanced over at the tennis courts and they were not there either. I couldn't imagine that they were out walking together. I was puzzled.

I walked over to my car and got my cell phone. I tried the oldest's phone again - thinking that he didn't recognize the pool's number and therefore had not answered nor called it back. No response from him with my phone either.

While all this was going on with me - the three other kids (middle, nephew and youngest) had been looking all over for them too.

Then I heard a shout from the big pool - it was the middle child - laughing and yelling - "you are both so dead over this!"

She said that she had looked over to the shallower end of the big pool, where there is a low lifeguard chair and peaking under it, IN the water, were two sets of eyes in goggles. When she yelled - they both disappeared under water.

It was the husband and oldest.

At that point I went and found a chair and pulled it to the shade and got out my parking lot papers (I was in the midst of assigning spots).

If either one of the guys had needed CPR at that point - they would have been totally out of luck with help from me. I might have poured water on their heads to see if that helped their drowning along.

My husband came over later to say - I suppose you did not think that was funny. And I said in the land of assholes - that was probably very funny indeed. And went back to my papers.

The oldest asked me about it later and I said - If I were a hemophiliac - would you entertain yourself by cutting little wounds all over me?

Husband asked me if I wanted to take a walk later that day and I said no.

I didn't think of it fast enough - but I wish I had said - why don't you walk down the driveway and across the street and then hide behind and tree and pretend I am looking for you to take a walk.

A full week later - he did something else really annoying - and later asked again if I wanted to go for a walk - and I did say it that time - why don't you walk down the driveway and across the street and then hide behind and tree and pretend I am looking for you to take a walk.

He asked what it meant and I said it meant I was really, really tired and not having a patient kind of day.

After thought:
My husband would say that if I hadn't been doing the parking lot assignment job, I would not have gotten upset. I say should I not do anything so that I am able to tolerate needless upset-?and is there EVER a time when a husband should hide from a wife (that is actively looking for him) and expect it to be a good thing - ?

PS - and the week after that - husband went to the pool by himself on Sunday morning - I let all the kids sleep. And I enjoyed being home 'by myself'.

Some roll smooth - some hit every bump

Balance points so you will see the other sides of my husband:
1. If a commercial or anything else plays Mozart (or the like) my husband will be able to tell you what section of what piece it comes from within about 3 seconds. He can also do this for many (not every, but most) songs from the 60’s. He can also tell you the year and who is playing.
2. If I am having a bad (enough that he notices) day – he will ask me what I need – like ‘would you feel better if you went somewhere, accomplished something – or do you want left alone – or is there something that I can do to help?’ And whatever I say - he does without question or complaint.
3. He gets tears in his eyes – movies, commercials, songs.
4. He has never in his life made one of our kids cry over anything.


BACKGROUND:

Bea asked - some time ago - for me to explain how I interpret rumination.

Here is the actual definition:
ru·mi·na·tion (rm-nshn)
n.
1. The act of pondering; meditation.
2. The act or process of chewing cud.

It sounds a bit peaceful written like that - California Cows on a hillside - meditating as they use their jaw/chewing as a sort of breath body link.

That isn't what I mean when I use the word.

I mean getting stuck on a whirlpool of thought that sucks me into a vortex of runaway train, upset thinking. One thought leads to another - with increasing intensity and despair. One isolated incidence turns into earthquake and then mudslide and then forest fire (California again - on the hill opposite the California cows - totally different view).

What I am watching for - tuned into these days - is when I have some assumption - (that is or is not true - doesn't matter which) and then get upset about it - making sure it doesn't turn into a whole extended drama (in my head).


TODAY'S POST:

The simplest example I can think to give you, to explain rumination, is the pool.

My husband got up early (a whole month of Sundays ago), and then 5 minutes before he was walking out the door - TO GO TO THE POOL - told (sound to sleep) kids that he was going in five minutes and that they needed to be ready - and then when they couldn't/didn't - he went to the pool by himself.

I was pissed. Not royally pissed - but pretty irritated.

When he walked back in the door an hour and five minutes later. I said - that technique does not work - you talk to everyone the night before about the fact that you are going to the pool at 11am - you ask how much advanced notice they require - and then you all proceed accordingly - wake ups - alarm clocks - whatever.

Now you might read all that and think that I did well with it (but bossy)- because I communicated and because what I said was all valid. And I suggested (dictated) what TO DO rather than griping about what he actually did.

You might even think - that's a husband for you. And if you want to add a 'he really is oblivious just like you always say he is' - that's okay too.

And you might remember that I have taken the kids to the pool (almost every day) for years - and he only does it every once in a while. And get a little irritated on my behalf.

And if you want to think 'green' and realize that the same amount of gas could have carried 4 people instead of 1 - go ahead.

You might think - could he not do it 'right' one day out of the week?

Do you see where - EVEN STAYING ON THE TOPIC - my mind starts to run with this?

Now you can add in another time (or two) where he was oblivious.

And then how he got to be oblivious (I blame 99.9% of the things that bug me about him on his mom).

And then I start to add in all the things that she has done over the years that were oblivious.

Run-away-train of thoughts.

Can you feel the vortex pulling me under as you read?


The part that I am pondering - is that everyone in the house - with no up-setted-ness and very good communication all pointed out - I was the only one upset about the pool incident.

The people that were shaken out of sleep and then didn't actually go to the pool were not overly annoyed. Just me.

I had the expectation that there was a 'right way' and a 'wrong way' and the whole thing DID upset me.

There is no ego in that statement - when someone at my house comes up with a better way (than what occurred to me) I am IMPRESSED. I am always looking for
better, simpler, easier - I don't care who thinks of it - I just like that someone DID think of it.

Was I right about the whole thing?

I was - how unrealistic to be up for hours and think that anyone (especially girls) are going to roll out of bed into their suits and run out the door in five minutes? He either should have given them a more reasonable amount of time, or just kept his mouth shut and gone to the pool.

But I am pondering the fact that I WAS upset and they weren't.

One of them said to me - are you going to let this steam roll and ruin the rest of your (and their) day?

And once upon a time - it would have ruined a good bit of my day.

Because I would have not taken his lack of planning at face value and would have let the woulda-shoulda-couldas of everything (including the kitchen sink) enter into IT in my brain.

In fact I would still be ruminating over all the 3rd party incidents that this one thing brought up (in my brain) when I wrote this over a week later. (many weeks ago as this has been in the queue for some time waiting for its turn).

Brain Snowball is a good way to describe it.

Past History Diarrhea is another.

Was it good that I communicated this all to my husband? It was.

And you will be pleased to know that he took the kids to the pool after work the following day (which he hardly ever does) without being asked - and did it in a way that showed there is a brain in there somewhere.

It is perfectly okay to be annoyed and then to communicate that annoyance. But it doesn't have to turn into a multi chapter saga in my brain.

And the fact that the kids were not upset - didn't have different expectations for dad - is probably a good thing - because that is how he rolls.

And I suppose accepting THAT fact - this is how he is - instead of taking it personally - is part of the process for me.

I don't have to put up with the behavior - I can voice my discontent.

But I don't have to let it eat at me.

You can take that as literally as you like.

My notes from Week ONE (6/27/09 – 7/3/09) - this is long - as it is ALL my notes

I think that I followed the book correctly with this menu. But Helen and I both found the book to be oddly written – so it is possible that I have misinterpreted. And the way that the book counts carbs is not the normal way – I went by what the book said.

I have worked with multiple physicians and nutritionists and personal trainers. I understand what my body can and can not do. I also understand my mind – where it goes – where I have to lead it – how to stay even. I think that everyone should check with (a variety of) professionals before starting this type of program – and I think you must be in pretty good shape (mentally and physically to do it).

I also think there is no point in half doing it. I think that it is set to do very specific chemical things to the body and to teach the mind. Half doing it is a waste of time.

I did exactly what the book said – including full fat cottage cheese for this first carb down week (book uses low fat cottage cheese when it is not a carb down day). I did not have one extra bit or bite. One day I put something in my mouth that a kid needed tasted and then spit it out in the garbage – so when I say ‘literally followed’ – I mean literally followed the plan. I also didn’t underdo – I stayed as close to the 20g carb level (daily with book’s system of counting) as I could. Helen and I never found where they said one way or the other about going as low as possible or as close to 20g as possible. I interpreted it as staying at 20g and that is what I did.

I also found broccoli slaw to be a life saver. I love my mock egg rolls and am very happy to have them every day. So, this is how I got the volume of broccoli IN – happily.

Food Saturday through Friday
(pretty much the same food each day)

egg whites+ 1t parmesan cheese + ½ c cooked spinach
½ g carbs

½ c full fat cottage cheese
3g carbs

chicken+veggies+oil
5g carbs (broccoli slaw + cabbage leaves+olive oil)
Homemade eggrolls (cabbage is the wrapper)
with hot Chinese mustard

(I did not have this every day – but did most days )
protein shake
5g carbs


chicken or fish +veggies+oil
in the form of a salad
4g carbs

(A few days I had this 6th meal – but not always)egg whites+ 1t parmesan cheese + ½ c asparagus
1g carb

Hot water with lemon juice with most meals
Glass of water between meals

Exercise NOTES:
Saturday – flow yoga with Bev
very irritated with the world – I think it was mostly adjusting to having my husband home on a day when no matter what he did – it irritated me. Nephew was getting ready to leave. BUT, I slept REALLY well Saturday night so not a total catastrophe.

Sunday – very irritated with the world, didn’t want very much food – only ate 4 meals. Very little get up and go, was afraid to go to Zumba – special location – live band – so I did NOT go. Good decision. I could not deal with people. I went and got in my car for a couple hours – everyone leaves me alone there – it is totally quiet – the reclined seat feels very good on my back. But it is also a sign that I am not doing well. My craziest aunt used to run away in her van and then they would find her somewhere weird (like the middle of the field at her parents farm – bawling for hours). Mine is not like that – it is more like a cocoon – peaceful.

Monday –
(+ stretch yoga) and
Zumba and
flow yoga with Bev and
fast walk to my mom’s
This was my just get over it day. If I had stayed in the Saturday/Sunday mode – it would have been my third day and then I would have to call my psychiatrist and say 3 bad days in a row – need to be seen. I also think that I had to get over the low carb thing (mentally) and exercise. I think I had it in my head that I did not have the get up and go to really work. Told myself that Helen exercised her first week – she is pretty tough - I am pretty tough too – if she could do it – I could do it. Like I said - It was all mental. So Monday ended up being an ‘eat a little meal and then go to ________’ then ‘eat another little meal and go do __________’ kind of day. And I did get over it. This alternating food and exercise pattern continued all week. It was a good way to do it. Reinforced the food is fuel mindset.

Tuesday –
free weights
(+ stretch yoga)
The low carb thing did impact how heavy of weights I could use (in my mind only I think). Did not think I would handle the 15lbs – didn’t even use the 10lb very often – used my 5lbs and by the end of the third set of each exercise move – I was shaking (the good kind of worked muscle shake – not passing out shake). Helen had the thirsties her first week – I had the HOTS when exercising. In the book it talks about carbo’hydrates’ – I had never thought of the second half of that word referring to hydrating/cooling the body. Interesting.

Wednesday –
Zumba
Flow yoga
I was totally over feeling like a whimp by this day – and was able to work at my highest level. I did 5 minutes of situps in between my two classes just to see how many I could do, at a steady pace, in five minutes. The answer was 100. One of the other ladies was interested – she is always wondering how many we do in class with Sabrina and I used that same general pace – so I think that we actually do about 200 in free weights classes. I have to say – at the 100 mark – I could feel that I had worked – but could have kept going easily.

Thursday –
free weights
(+ stretch yoga)
Zumba
I was back up to the 10 and 15 lb weights with no problem
AND this was my migraine day.
I made sure to eat 20g of carbs and all 6 meals – evenly spaced throughout the day. This is the first time EVER that I have not fed a migraine with carbs. It was interesting to observe THAT was where my mind kept taking me – and I kept having to remind myself that it was probably a reinforced reaction – ring the bell salivate – migraine reach for the carbs – from many, many years practice. Isn’t the first and it won’t be the last thing that I am still discovering and relearning.


Friday –
(stretch yoga)
Walk to my mom’s
My headache is gone.
Three day weekend – which means many classes are cancelled all over town. And it also means that my husband is home for 3 days. I just get adjusted to him being home and then he is gone again. Friday is catch up day around the house – there are a lot of us – so if everyone pitches in – quick work.

Keeping my distance

In the middle of the winter I had a very sad week when I realized there are/were people in my real life that can't stand my anxiety.

If you asked them to explain WHY I bug them - I don't think they would be able to articulate.

But I think my anxiety sets off feelings (about them) in them. Even though they can't define it - it is how they think of me. And therefore they steer clear.

There is a well known figure on TV that does this to me - can't watch - even a moment of her - haven't been able to in over a year - before all the train wreck stuff started to happen.

In real life - I don't even have to be showing signs of anxiety for them to back away from me.

There aren't many like this - a half dozen that I can name - but they are very obvious to me.

The week of my sadness did go away. I realized that their reaction to me is probably set. Trying to fix it would just make it worse.

When I am around them (three that I see from time to time). I dial myself down, lower than low, because their reaction to me is not based on how I am acting (that day, the day before, or even in recent history). It is based on their perception of how I - ever in my life - acted. Their perceptions are (permanently) tainted or discolored.

So, if I walked into a yoga class for example - and one of them was there - I would stay silent before class and leave immediately after class.

It is not that I am surrendering to them - I feel better if I am silent around them. It is their problem - not mine. I understand that I can't fix their perception - it is set. But I do better if I am not involved when they are present.

And with the rest of the world - I am more verbal about it. In looking into other exercise classes for the week my yoga studio is closed - I have been asking people that I know about instructors and then just asking if there was anything about the instructor or the room that was likely to make it hard for me. There are some places and some people that are just not a good idea for me. So, I guess I really do understand the people that shy away from me.

That week of revelation - I took it a bit personally. It did bother me. Because I have changed so much. But even when I have a 'normal' reaction - they read all kinds of things into it. I have to be less so to appear even to them. And so I stay low on the radar.

MACRO (Helen mentioned calling it MACRO instead of crack and I jumped on it)

I have a new addition on my side bar - directly under my picture - my current weight loss mode. I am setting it up as a separate, self contained, set of links. Comments are turned ON within the links. So it is like having two blogs going at once - my normal postings and then my weight loss postings. MACRO.

processed foods and their consequences

Our Lady of Weight Loss Article on Menopause got me thinking - about myself.

If the last five years of food growth had not happened - I would be writing a LOT of posts about my physical symptoms.

Heading the list might have been hot flashes.

Five years ago the incidence, of night sweats interrupting my sleep, was astronomical.

And now, I never have them.

The punch line?

I was not IN even the pre-stages of menopause then and I am not now.

It was all processed food related.

I do very well - on REAL food.

(Not sure, of course, if this is true for everyone. But I suspect that it actually is true). It is a simple thing to try. And of course I do not confuse the word 'simple' for 'easy'.

Processed food is everywhere. And most of us were raised in such a way that it is the first thing/place we turn.

Especially when we don't feel good - and then it is a never ending loop - don't feel good - eat - feel worse - eat more.

I was wondering the other day - if one doesn't turn to toast and crackers - when one has an upset tummy - then what does one turn to? Is there something NON-processed out there that our minds would accept? Chamomile tea came to mind. Other ideas?

Knock on wood - I have not had the flu (I think) since I started this process (and therefore this blog which actually started AFTER the start of this process).

I have had occasions where I ate out or ate something highly processed and was assaulted by food. But I knew immediately it was the food. When you eat clean - and then eat a non-clean substance - it is as clear as neon writing on a dark sky. (Sharla ended up at the doctor one time when this happened to her - she sort of thought she was dying - and that describes it perfectly. Helen recently re-discovered it too. ).

I think, the last time someone at my house had the stomach flu, it was both girls January 2007.

There was one other, later episode with my husband - but we think it was something he ate.

And if I did not eat (mostly) whole foods - I would never have figured this out for myself.

I would still have those hot flashes.

I would still have what I thought it was 'the flu' on a very regular basis.

And I would still have migraines on a very regular basis.

Double whammy - I used to have a major migraine each month with my cycle - and before I was diagnosed and before I knew what a migraine even was - I thought this was the flu. And it was all food related - food in combination with hormones - triggered the migraine which set off the 'flu' symptoms.

I was stuck in that cycle for a long time.

And had no idea.

kids continue to surprise me with food choices

ADDED LATER: REALLY good posting from Lyn on slaying her fast food giants and when the giant is down - you can see all that is around you.


I can't begin to tell you how hard it is to teach kids about food - and have them be able to apply this knowledge - without putting us on opposite sides of the parent/child fence.

It is harder than any other part of parenting (for me, to date).

I started out teaching by what I DID and most of what I did was not healthy.

And then I went through the addict on my shoulder years - kids food, normal eating, why should they eat differently because I have a problem, just this once, holidays, busy day, complicated day, hurt feelings, they don't have a weight problem, I don't want to give them an eating disorder - take your pick - rationalizations all over the place.

And this all brings me to the point of today's posting.

Several times, during the weeks that my nephew was here, I made a meal for myself and took it to the pool or park (or where ever we were going) so that I could eat while they played.

And the girls (who were already fed) were very interested in my food. Like would have taken it away from me and eaten it kind of interested.

One day it was wraps - salsa, spinach, turkey, avocado, mustard, onion, tomato rolled in a tortilla shell. If you would have asked these kids - one by one about each separate ingredient - they would have said they didn't like them. But put them all together and going in MY mouth - and they wanted one for their next meal.

And this is my favorite (like if I hadn't been sitting down, I might have fallen down): I got in the car with 3 steamed cabbage leaves filled with (dry pan) sauteed broccoli slaw, steamed chicken and hot Chinese mustard. Not only did these look wonderful - both girls wanted a bite just that minute. And they couldn't wait to go home and make their own.

Now, if I had suggested my mock egg rolls, as a meal for them, they would have laughed me out of town. But put them on a plate with MY name on it - and suddenly they are a must have item.

The youngest with her IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) skipped the mustard. The middle child used spicy brown instead of Chinese hot. But they both made them, ate them, loved them, when we got home.

The power of example.

Copied from Our Lady of Weight Loss Newsletter:

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Put the Brakes on Menopausal Weight Gain - From Our Lady of Weight Loss newsletter (also)

Janice Taylor - Our Lady of Weight Loss - Put the Brakes on Menopausal Weight Gain.

And my Actual Posting for today - the nephew's summer visit

Nephew went home. He is doing so much better and so am I.

This year I was able to send him home without a worry - to their version of normal.

This year I was able to not have upset thoughts about his mom that calls every day when he is HERE - but not when he is THERE.

And this year I was able to interact with him more. Other years I steered clear - afraid he would get attached to me and then in the process of going home again have a harder time being 'mom less'.

And this year, when his mom called and said that she was taking him to the same movie that we had just seen that same day (with him) because he loved it - I thought at least she is doing something! (But I also thought - how ODD - take him to see something NEW that he will love. So, the next day - we did. We went to see another that he did love. We went to see 4 movies with him - it was HOT and we couldn't do a lot of outside stuff - so luckily there were really good movies. Is she going to repeat all 4 in some weird attempt to be part of it?).

And he was careful about doors and he washed his hands like he was doing surgery (in front of me at the kitchen sink each time he helped with cooking - which was a lot).

And he knew without being told to hang up his swimming stuff in the racks in the garage and to wear SHOES and the general routine of stuff at our house.

After we dropped him off - both girls turned to me and said - you would never know he wasn't one of our kids - he is just like having a fourth - he fits right in - seamlessly.

And he does.

I told him the summer that he has his permit - that he should plan to have me teach him how to drive - I said by then you will be my 3rd one - I was pretty good with the oldest - but by the time I am through the middle child - I will be a pro.

And he now has enough maleness to compete for 'shotgun' with the middle child. This made for children being ready and in the car with amazing speed.

He carried the pool bag his share of the time.

He hauled out recycling and in groceries too.

And this man child cooked - he loves to cook - and we cook a lot. He is very good at lots of things - and he and the youngest were lots of help. It was very much a community effort.

And all week - he commented on how different life is at our house. And it is. And I was able to accept that without having a lot of pain over it.

He is alone a great deal at his house. My brother works, my niece retreats into books. But nephew is in band, and plays Lacrosse and football and is in a very active boy scout troop. So while his life is very different - it is not terrible. It is his normal.

And he has a pile of friends - I know because they texted him all week - and each time a very silly voice came on that said he had mail. We never got tired of hearing that voice - it was so silly.

And I think he feels a part of us - a connection to us. And this is good. He does not have a lot of connections.

He commented on life with TWO girls - because the one girl at his house holds herself a part - and here no one is distant.

And I could see male patterning in him.

And I could see that he was aware this year - not oblivious.

And this is exactly the opposite growth pattern in most males - but I think life with women (here) is an eye opener for him.

Duck, Duck, Goose -simple from one viewpoint - needing thought from another

Middle child talking about games at Bible School.

Specifically Duck Duck Goose (outside).

She says that when you are leading - you have to watch to make sure everything stays EVEN - but do it in such a way that no one notices.

So, when a child starts their turn, she is gently saying things like 'pick a boy' or 'choose someone wearing yellow' to steer the players toward people that have not yet had a turn. The kids actually love this - individual attention.

And on really hot days - Drip, Drip, Dunk is the preferred version.

A soft plastic cup (so no one gets bopped on the head) full for each turn. Tiny drips of water for the Drips and then the whole cup for the Dunks. I think this is very clever. She didn't think of it - it was one of the young priests. Maybe he is so used to pouring water on kids heads - that it was just a natural transition. The kids LOVED it - no one was upset at being dunked - everyone was dunked - including the middle child - who loved it too.

Each year I buy individual TINY containers of bubble/wand stuff - and she does this with them during their outdoor time. She said that she thinks it is the tiny-ness that they love. (Available at party stores or party section at Target).

I also get containers of play dough ($1 for packages of 3 - so I spent $7 for 21 containers so each kid had two colors). And that is a big hit. Moms tend to NOT like play dough at home - so it is often a treat for kids.

She had no criers this year. But she does have kids fighting to be the one that gets to sit by her or hold her hand or do jobs for her in the classroom.

She is a happy kid. She is a very like able kid from the outside looking in (living with her - she definitely has challenging moments. . .we can't decide if this is a teenage thing, a middle child thing, or just her).

This is her 4th or 5th year teaching bible school. She has had all different grades (3 year olds to 4th graders). So some years she had kids that needed potty help and other years was dealing with kids that had their own opinions - good varying experiences.

She has always planned to go into Elementary Education. And I think this is an excellent choice for her. She has the right kind of personality - it will allow her to have the same schedule as her own children. And since she has done Bible School and worked in the nursery and always had 'buddies" at school (older kids are assigned a buddy in a lower grade - for activities and Masses) she is very used to 'teaching'.

The K-8th grade school that all three of my kids attended - is a magnet for student teachers from several of the regional colleges. So, the middle child has had experiences with many student teachers over the year. At those times - she had lots of ideas on things that they did well, poorly or figured out over the course of their various semesters. She has an idea of what challenges these newbie teachers face in the classroom.

I can see all of this as building blocks for this child. If she hated teaching - she would know by now - because of her various experiences. And her experiences all give her confidence to know that she can do this type of job and enjoy it.