A helpful way of looking at it

"We need exercise, too. The government has helpfully published their "exercise guidelines" that state that we need 30 minutes at a mimum; 60 minutes a day to maintain weight and prevent weight gain, and 60-90 minutes a day for weight loss."

Anne included this in her, All About Sleep, posting on

http://angryfatgirlz.blogspot.com/ this week.

And, I don't know that I had ever seen exercise recommendations written out just like that before.

I have seen 30-45 minutes minimum quoted - but nothing in more detail.

And when I first read it - I thought "that's a lot."

But then I realized that during the periods where I have lost steadily - that is exactly what I was doing - a full 60-90 minutes per day (or more).

7th grade Volleyball is done - my life has more of a rhythm or schedule to it - I think I can be more consistent on a daily basis - different exercise in for each day - on a regular schedule.

And I think that this is a very helpful way of looking at it - because for me - this means I need to squeeze two different types of exercise in per day. Exercise tape, yoga, treadmill, weight resistance, bike, walk outside, swim laps, water aerobics, whatever - but shoot for two each day. And that is a very helpful way of looking at it.

Switching Food Plans

I sat down and made my list for the phone nurse:

Headache before I started original prescription
(that just wouldn’t go away)

Rain and Hormones - always a bad combination for me!

I had taken my migraine medicine which I CAN – but found out from pharmacist that in some people (rarely) it magnifies any little side effects of anti-depressant. So, the fact that I took it – might have magnified and continued my headache.

Very unusual kids' schedule –
my husband gone – no help
my mom not feeling well this whole time - no back up

Didn’t really sleep for over a week

Didn’t have my normal routine –
kids stuff after school AND in evening for almost two week’s straight.

TTOM

Didn’t exercise at all – unusual for me

Didn’t drink my water – unusual for me

Didn’t eat as normal
(didn’t over eat – but ate “breakfast” a lot)

Changed Prescriptions levels part way through


I felt much better Sunday –
and almost normal on Monday (with exercise and lots of water).

So, I didn’t call – because I thought – if they want to switch medicine again – have I REALLY given this one a try? NO – it was just one really weird week. And my husband wasn’t here to help me sort out what was going on – I was just feeling terrible and trying to keep my head above water all week.

If I had felt bad on Monday – I still would have called
and if I feel bad today – I will call.

BUT, after I talked to pharmacist, I think that I am one of the few that this weird little side effect (magnification) hits. I think it was the migraine pill magnifying things that I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.



Today's topic:

I saw this on Snackie’s World

http://www.snackiepoo.com/

and I thought it was very interesting:

“. . . It reminds me of Old School Weight Watchers where you counted exchanges and not points....and for some reason that was much easier for me to stick with. It's like I have said before.....give me flex points and I will use them on the wrong things but tell me I have to eat 2 proteins, 2 carbs, 1 fat and a fruit at this or that meal and I can do that.”

I didn’t know WW had ever been structured like that. It reminds me of a diabetic exchange food plan - Which is pretty much the way that I eat now.

Snackie is currently on Jenny Craig and enjoying the freedom of not having to think too much. She said the plan just figures it out for her – she doesn’t have to work so hard. I have no opinion of Jenny Craig – have never tried it – but am very glad that she is loosing, doing well and feels like she has a mental “vacation” from it all.

I actually feel that way too – like it is simple - I actually don’t calculate or write anything down anymore – just follow the formulas and weigh measure. It feels very hassle free.

I am very well stocked and have a wide variety of choices not only available but ready at any/every meal. My husband is still grilling a couple times a week (he tried the George Foreman on a really cold day last week and loved it).

My freezer is always well stocked with measured amounts.

For example, I cooked three crock pots of dried beans yesterday and froze in one cup servings – kidney, garbanzo, black/turtle. This took NO time – quick rinse, crock pot did the cooking, measured/sealed – stuck in freezer. This yielded several dozen bag fulls.

I freeze measured amounts each time he grills so there is always protein too.

We still buy fresh veggies and fruit of course – but always buy flash frozen fruit and veggies too - so everything in freezer so is ready to eat.

Thank heaven for microwaves!!!!


And reading Snackie’s post – it made me wonder about how people do switching back and forth between food plans. I have several times – but my plans were fundamentally the same – just slight variations.

I hope Jan will post about her thoughts on switching food plans, because I think I remember that she said she lost the majority of her weight on liquid and recently started back on more traditional food plan. If it isn't too personal - please post all about it Jan!!!

Choices

I thought I was stuck in a rut – but evidentially, I am doing the right thing.

Somewhere (maybe an old Readers Digest) in the past few days, I read that having one or two meals a day “set” and only one meal as a variable can really help in sticking to a food plan. Less thinking – less temptation – in a good routine is the thinking.

This is what I do – have done for months. My breakfast is very set – the day just doesn’t feel like the day without it.

Lately my lunch has been my modified version of taco salad every day too. The protein changes depending on what is left over in the refrigerator – and the veggies change too – but it is some version of taco salad with salsa – most every day.

Dinner – is variable – depending on my time and interest. For the past several days I have not felt my best and have ended up eating breakfast again – for dinner – because it is very close to comfort food.


And this being stuck in a rut - I guess that is what I did at the worst of my eating habits too – it just wasn’t a good rut that I was stuck in at that time.

I ate out – I ate out a lot. It was the basis for any contact that I had with the outside world.

If I was by myself, I ate at a local Chinese Restaurant. I ordered chicken noodle soup – which wasn’t on the menu – the old Chinese cook made it for me - special.

It was loaded with veggies and chicken and a special kind of Chinese noodle.

I loved it. I went there 3-4 times a week. The soup was so filling that I rarely ate anything else that day. It was my lunch time routine.

It goes without saying – I have not been back to that Chinese restaurant once since I started watching what I ate.

And sadly, but true, the old Chinese cook was actually killed in car accident not too long ago – so that chapter is irrevocably closed.


I do better if I have limited choices - for me - it really helps.
I do better if I have a routine - less thinking- less room for bad choices.
I guess it goes back to that inner child thing -
"do you want chicken or hamburger with your taco salad" -
not "what do you want for lunch?"

Normal Adjusting???

Yes, I realize that I need to call my doctor tomorrow. And I will. But in the meanwhile – please feel free to share your thoughts.

Here is my question – is this normal adjusting - for someone that is REALLY sensitive – and will pass – I will get used to it - or am I having a reaction???

The first thing to know is that I AM sensitive – it is like all my nerve endings are closer to the surface than the rest of the world’s. My hearing is very acute, so is my sense of taste, smell, etc. I have always identified with the Autistics that seem to be on overload – because that is how I have always felt. It is hard to de-sensitize – turn off.

I started out on 20mg of my anti-depressant, I felt like I could feel every heart beat. My mother checked my blood pressure and heart rate – both were very normal/low. So, it wasn’t that my heart was doing something different – it was that I could FEEL it.

So, I called and my doctor switched me to 10mg – as low a dose as they make. Yes, I know – all you long time anti-depressant people are probably on much higher dosages, because the tech at the pharmacy asked me three times if I was SURE we were reducing the dosage. That was a week ago (I will have been on for 2 weeks this coming Thursday).

My period started about this same time (as lower dosage) so I was having a hard time figuring out which caused what.

I noticed that my hearing changed – the radio in my husband’s van sounded different – settings were the same – it just sounded different. Then the same thing happened with the radio in my car and all the TV’s in the house. Now they sound normal – but I can’t tell if they are back to sounding the way they did before – or if I am used to the new way they sound.

I feel every little ache and pain in my body. Things that I would not normally be aware of EVERY minute. The things that you normally notice when you are trying to fall asleep – are now apparent every minute.

I have a HUGE amount of tension in my shoulders and neck – is it always there and now I just feel it? Or is it new? I can’t tell.

I keep feeling like the nerves in my arms (elbows down) are moving – especially my left thumb – but when I look – I can’t see any movement. It is like a small pulsing sensation running down it.

I have headaches on and off – first I thought it was the non- stop rain and my period – but both are now gone and the headaches remain. At the worse – I feel like I just want to die and am nauseous – at best it is a pain in the back of my head and my neck – not my usually migraine place/path.

I keep craving the heat and water of the bath tub – something that I used to do before migraine medicine. I can’t take my migraine medicine every day. So, I had only been taking it when it was really bad. And I think it might actually be making it worse – so now I am trying not to take it at all – and am just taking ibuprofen as needed.

I feel very weird in general. But on the other hand – I have been up and around a lot more – and it is a LOOSE weekend – volleyball is over – we didn’t have anything going on – the kind of weekend that usually gets me down – because there is no structure – and I have been doing okay – or maybe it is just because I have times that I feel so bad (head) that I am taking advantage of the times that I feel good and getting stuff done.

I have still been taking my medicine – faithfully – every day.

Waiting

Triangle Pose in Yoga
Put arms out like an airplane. Spread feet out to the sides, as wide as hands. Face forward so that spine is perpendicular to floor. Then bending from the oblique, just tip, gently over so that the arms stay straight and are now perpendicular to the floor.

But it is NOT about getting to the floor – it is a chest opener – it is about pretending your whole body is between two pieces of glass – you are bending sideways – but staying two dimensional – between your pieces of glass . . .

That’s how I feel, some days, between two pieces of glass – looking out at the world. Two dimensional. Pressed. Reaching upward, looking outward, straining to hold my own. Challenged.

It is very quiet between my two pieces of glass. I can hear my own breath. I can hear and feel my heart beat. My blinking is slow and measured. The world around me is in slow motion.

First I hear only my own breath, then the outside sounds around me, then back to my own breath.

Not sad, just very, very quiet. Measured. Time slows for a while. Time seems to stand still. I take it back to my own breath – slow and measured.

Muscles start to panic. Another breath as I relax into them. They quiet.

It is a working pose.

It looks like I am suspended between my two pieces of glass – motionless – but every muscle is working – reaching – holding – opening. Waiting.






Sometimes we think eating something might make us feel better – might fill the hole deep inside,

Some of us think that buying something bright, or fun, or new - might fill the hole.

Or having someone waiting for us at home - might fill the hole.

Or a new lover, or a baby, or a dozen other things – might fill the hole.

And all of these things that we are acquiring - they CAN BE GOOD things – but I don’t think they can fill the hole.

Probably we can only do that ourselves.

Does the rest of the world have this same hole – and it is already filled?
Or do they have it – and not realize it is empty?
Or do they keep trying to fill it – but have the sanity of moderation?


Sometimes I think we just keep moving on to the next, the next, the next – looking, looking, looking. I have been at exactly this place in the past – looking, looking, looking.

But not now, because now I seem to be waiting, waiting, waiting.

I think I am waiting for my life to start.

I can’t explain exactly what I mean by that – but I think it is true.

I think that I just keep myself very still and wait.
I am between two panes of glass –
not in either place, on either side –
but can see all –
and I wait.

Too fast???

I didn't see it - but I am hopefully that several of you did and will comment!


My mother told me that she saw a recent Oprah with several women that had gastric surgery and lost a great deal of weight - very quickly.

I thought she was going to say that the point of the show was that the surgery just helps them get started (90% surgery / 10% them) in the beginning. Then, as the weight begins to come off - the percentage shifts. They do have to exercise and practice moderation in their food plans and over time the percentage shifts gradually until the split is 10% surgery / 90% them.

But my mom said this was NOT what this show was about.

My mom's interpretation was that the show talked about how the women didn't cope with the underlying problem behind their weight problems. And they just focused on their weightloss and not their overall life. And as they lost, the problems were still there and their behavior shifted from over eating to other things. She said one over-shopped, one became a sex addict, one became a drug addict, etc (she couldn't remember the rest).

My mom did not think (and still doesn't) that the gastric surgery was bad or contributed to the problems. She said that she thought the KEY issue was that they lost too fast - and their minds and bodies did not have a chance to adapt.

I, personally, have not had a problem with the "underlying/root cause" behind my over eating resurfacing in other areas. I am still not coping very well, but I am not over spending, biting my nails, taking recreational drugs, smoking, etc.



And in view of this "too fast theory" - it makes me think:

If there were a magic pill that you could take and have all your excess weight off – overnight as you slept – would you take it?

Probably in a minute. Probably we all would.

But should we? Probably not ever.

Because I think it would be a one time only pill and I think that if all that weight were that easily off, it would all come back on just as easily. Or as in the Oprah story, the behavior/problem might just shift to something else.

I speak from personal experience.

The last time I lost was much easier than this.

And it seemed like the weight came off much faster. But it wasn't a struggle. I didn't really pay attention and the weight came right back.

This time I feel like I have EARNED my weightloss and each pound is etched in my mind. All the places I got "stuck". Each threshold as I crossed from 210 to 200 and then 190 (and so on) was a major victory.

So, as tempting as a magic pill would be, I now know enough to take a pass - I want this weight to stay off, this time for sure.


PS - here is the link to Michele's comments (that Lori mentions in her comment below)
http://fatgirlcamp.blogspot.com/2006/10/breathe.html

Cherry Pie

I inherited a husband who was raised to salt and sugar everything. He had major culture shock when he discovered that I don't own a salt shaker or a sugar bowl and don't own the stuff to fill either one.

Even at my heaviest, with my worst eating habits - I never salted or sugared anything. It took a while, but eventually his taste buds developed, after years of over stimuli, and he now eats/tastes the real food. And he is like an ex-smoker that can't stand cigarette smoke - now very sensitive to salt and sugar.

On a visit back to his mother, years ago, he was appalled to discover that she had pre-sugared the fresh strawberries we had bought - and he couldn't eat them. Literally one bite, and the sugar was just too much.

I have very active taste buds - I do taste the real food. And because of this, I really enjoy the fresh fruit and vegetables that I eat on a daily basis. And, although I TRY to eat a wide variety - sometimes I do get stuck in a rut.

That brings us to Cherry Pie.
I have not had fruit pie in a couple years now.
None at all.

And I do love a good fruit pie. Or at least I thought I did.

The other day, while at Gordon's I accidentally bought frozen, tart cherries - instead of the usual red raspberries or black berries.

I almost took them back, but then thought "what the heck" and opened them.

I measured out a cup and over estimated how long they would take to thaw in the microwave.

So, I ended up with WARM cherries with ½ cup of non-fat cottage cheese on top - and it tasted like CHERRY PIE.

I did not miss the sugar. I did not miss the crust. I did not miss the goo.

So, I am eating mock cherry pie - for breakfast - and really enjoying it.

What Kind of Mind?

Have you noticed?

I have switched from a “loosing mentality” to a “maintaining mentality”.

And I recognize that I have shifted gears.

My food stays the same – but I can not loose on “food alone”.
It is the exercise that does it for me.

I am faithfully going to yoga (2-4 times a week – depending on kids).
And I can see it in my tone - improving all the time.

However, I am not motivated to go to the gym at all.

They fired Yoga Colleen over politics (she wanted to teach a yoga class outside the gym with her mother). You might think this is conflict of interest and that they had the right to fire her – but this was not in writing and EVERY other trainer/teacher at the gym also teaches elsewhere.

So, I just have a bad taste in my mouth even walking in the door.

I could switch to the Y –
but it is a drive and it is more money and it is unknown.

It is too cold/damp/wet to walk outside most days.

Obviously Water Aerobics is long over.

My pilates class is long over also.

7th Grade Volleyball season ended last night – 5-6 practices/games a week (August, September, October) – which really cut into my time. So, it might be that now that volleyball is over – things will improve.

But if this week is any indication (girl scout field trip, volleyball championship, college fair, high school parent meeting) - the kid/parent schedule just goes on and on.


I DO often wish that I had a treadmill at home. But that is no where in a plans/budget right now. Although, I should put "the word out that I am looking for one" in case there is one gathering dust in a basement somewhere. Sometimes people want things like that OUT - just so they are not reminded of what they aren't doing. . .


I watch so little TV and when I do watch – I can go into a total meditative state – walking on the treadmill and watching.

I could watch EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND for an hour every day and not even notice I was walking the whole time. I could tape movies and watch – half at a time. And that is the good thing about a treadmill – even if you are walking in a coma state - it MAKES you keep up your speed!

My weight remains constant at 154-6 lbs.

I have no fears for the future about maintaining – I have been here before – and I will be here again. I can maintain.

I am just not finding that little nudge to go the extra mile to turn maintaining into loosing again.

And that might be okay - for a while. But if I have something unexpected pop up - I will feel sad that I let the precious time slip away. Because then I have that "you should have made hay while the sun shone Nelly" kind of feeling again.

Nice and Quiet and Good

I had a BAD child sit behind me at a volleyball game weeks ago.

He shook his root beer and then opened it to fizz all over several times.

His yelling (I am sure he thought it was cheering) might have been heard several miles away.

He stomped so hard and so consistently that my teeth hurt by the time I left.

I didn’t know what to say to him.

There were no people in obvious authority (this was a public school that I was not familiar with) to go to.

I didn’t know what their guidelines or rules might be.

This is not behavior that would be tolerated at our school for a minute – but I didn’t know about there – because this kid had NO parent with him, no one from his school came over to correct him, and no one from that school seemed to think he was acting badly.

And I did nothing. I took it. I didn’t make a stink. And, I didn’t leave – I tried to ignore him. I didn’t get upset. And I was not over reacting – because after the game it turned out that he was bothering EVERYBODY from our school that was sitting around me.

If this sounds like a no brain-er to you – remember – I don’t DO public things.

This was not in my little trail of small world. I don’t go anywhere “public”. I live in a very private world – private schools, private neighborhood, private pool in private neighborhood, private/small gym, etc

My stores are not even “general population kind of stores” – yes, they are open to the public – but it is a very set/small number that go there. Even my Target has a very “neighborhood” kind of feel to it.

And I guess when I go to Walmart (very public indeed) – my husband or son always goes with me to help, and, I suppose, buffer.

So this very bad child at a volleyball game a few weeks ago – has stuck with me – because there are parts of my very small world that are nice and quiet and good.

Note to Jan

Thanks for the e-mail - I copied it and posted it below. I discovered that the reason you can't leave messages is how I had it set. I have corrected it so that my blog now takes anonymous postings. I think when I first set it up - I was thinking that anonymous meant spam - but I see now it means people on different systems. Hopefully everyone posting anonymously will SIGN their first name so I know who they are. Notes that are posted with no name always look a little odd to me and I love to know who it is so I can post a reply in case I have a further question.

Weirdness

Can you have a reaction to anti-depressants in just one-three days? A negative one that is?

I started on my new prescription on Thursday Night. I took one pill in the early evening.

Friday morning - I went back to bed for a short nap - usual for me - and I couldn't sleep - very unusual for me. Thought it was because the girls' had a half day - I had a shorter time to sleep - and although I had set my alarm - I thought "maybe I am afraid of over sleeping and that is the problem." I thought nothing more about it. I took my prescription again early evening - Friday night.

Saturday morning - I was up in the wee hours with the oldest throwing papers, then the middle child had a morning volleyball game. So, it was nearly noon by the time I got down for a nap - I couldn't sleep again. I felt very odd and out of it - couldn't tell if I was dreaming, awake or asleep. And I felt like my heart was beating so hard that it was shaking the bed. I thought it was because I was so late getting down for a nap. But then Saturday night - I had major trouble falling asleep and staying asleep also. By the way - I took my prescription about the same time Saturday night.

Sunday morning's are hard because the Sunday papers are so big and we have so many. I love when we are done and I can go back to sleep and sleep until I wake up - Sunday is the ONLY day I have that luxury. And- you guessed it - I couldn't fall sleep easily- when I finally did - I couldn't stay asleep. I gave up and got up. Later than afternoon, I was in bed, resting, watching TV with the middle child - and realized that I felt like my heart was shaking the bed again. It was so bad - that I got up and went to my mom's in my PJ's and slippers. She checked my blood pressure and my heart rate and they were both nice and low and normal (for me). I had that "not myself feeling again." And this was EXACTLY at the same time I had been trying to nap on Saturday and felt like my heart was shaking the bed.

I told my mom - I feel like I am sort of coming out of my own skin. I also mentioned that I had a weird headache that had started on Friday - and just wouldn't go away - but it didn't feel like a normal headache to me. Not in the normal migraine "path".

She is the one that suggested I might be having a reaction to my new medicine. So, I didn't take it Sunday night - will call the doctor today - and as soon as I get the girls to school - I am going back to bed! I am sleep deprived enough (much of the time) without having this little situation!

If I can sleep today (Monday morning) - would not taking a pill on Sunday night create a reversal this quickly? Was it the pill? Or do I have some other weird thing going on? Or is it happenstance with the weird nap times?

Better Posture

About 9 years ago, I was pregnant with the youngest – and having out of control migraines, I tried a chiropractor – it helped a lot. I loved to go to the chiropractor and get worked on – packed in heat and worked on. I kept going back.

When the regular chiropractor would travel – he had someone fill in for him. And this fill-in man was BOTH a chiropractor and a physical therapist. So, one day we got to talking about why he was trained and licensed for both. The fill-in man explained the merits of doing it HIS way – the combination of adjustment and exercise/strengthening – but I never understood what he meant.

I never really understood, until this week when one of the Women Who Eat, and doesn’t do any type of exercise at, all was taking about her very happy discovery of the chiropractor – how much better being adjusted made her feel.

And I realized that if you just keep trying to adjust a joint, but you do nothing to strengthen and correct the muscles around it – you might well be beating a dead horse. Sure it feels good – sure it “adjusts” – but you aren’t solving the problem – you aren’t doing anything lasting – because you aren’t actually changing a thing – it will just go back to the way it was.

I stopped going to the chiropractor years ago, because my neck was adjusted so much that it was making a “different” sound when it popped and it scared me. So, I just stopped going.

Then years later is when I started watching what I ate and exercising. And this exercise included yoga.

Yoga Lisa says (weekly) that she is saving us all a fortune in chiropractic costs.

And she is right – my posture is so much better. My strength is so much better.

I am “adjusting” myself THRU EXERCISE all the time – because I am strengthening muscle, aligning bones, stretching and opening – just not in the "popping" regular chiropractic way. I still think that chiropractic treatment can be a wonderful alternative - but it still scares me too.

And what I am doing now– yoga - well, it doesn't scare me at all - and it is amazing what it does for my neck and back (and all the rest of me too).

Cleaning

Okay, I knew the vacuum cleaner in the garage was making a funny noise – but then I went to use the downstairs one, it had no suction.

So I took them both in a couple weeks ago, while I was in my “running household errands phase”.

The shop owner asked how long there had been problems and I couldn’t answer – because I couldn’t even remember the last time I might have used them. He did fix them and even re-glued the hose (end kept popping off).

Then last week, the toilet in my bathroom was finally dirty enough to bother me. This is saying a lot – because I have a very high threshold for dirt. If it is OUR dirt that is. Public dirt bothers me very much indeed.

I got out the box with the disposable wand toilet cleaner things – I am pleased to report that the box had been opened and one had been used – at some point in the far past.

I cleaned my toilet. I am a big recycler – so it is painful to use these disposable things. But slightly more painful is the thought of having an old fashioned brush – that has been IN the toilet – hanging around.

So, with ecology in mind, I thought that I could sprinkle the granular toilet cleaner in the girls’ bathroom and use the same wand before I pitched it.

I can’t remember back far enough to know when the last time I used the granular cleaner was – but I think this particular can came with us from the old house – five years ago. I may have used it since then – but I think the can itself dates back that far.

The metal top and bottom of the granular cleaner container were so rusted that the whole thing dissolved into a million pieces all over the girls’ toilet, the rug and the floor.

Good thing that the vacuum cleaner and hose work. . .

National Weight Registry

Until I read Jonathon's post this morning
http://jack-sprat.blogspot.com/2006/10/control-freak.html

I forgot I clicked on
http://www.nwcr.ws/

a week or so ago and joined the National Weight Registry.

I have not gotten my packet in the mail yet - I will post all about it when it arrives.

Sweats

This time it isn't the night sweats -

- it's the type of sweats you put on your body to go walk on the treadmill.

I found a pair of Hanes (size medium), from last winter/spring, in the bottom of my closet.

They were too big - not just a little too big - but so baggy in the butt that I wouldn't wear them to go walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes while the middle child was at piano. Even though I was COLD and needed something to cover my calves/ankles.

So, I put on a pair of yoga pants - and happened to look in the mirror and realized that they were huge too - but not only in the butt - in the thigh too. The yoga pants are all from the summer before last.

I went ahead and wore the yoga pants to the gym - cold ankles/calves and all - because they were the lesser of the two evils.

I went to Target on the way home from piano and bought two cheap pairs of Hanes (size small - can you believe it?!?) sweats to wear on the treadmill and around the house - nice and thick and warm.

I looked for good Yoga pants - but unfortunately the style this fall is "unconstructed" - which looks like someone made a mistake at the sewing machine to me - nasty seam allowances showing on the outside.

The old pair of sweats, I am giving away.

But my Yoga pants - I am quite attached too. And apparently can't replace at the moment.

And they have better structure to them than the sweats. I think that I can put them on, inside out, and have my mom pin them in the thighs. Then, I can take them in with my sewing machine and serger and they will be more fitted.

Hunger on Steroids

I have to tell you – you know those days when you want to eat everything in sight?

Where it feels Like Hunger on Steroids?

Not PMS or pre-PMS days –
but the random days that just sneak up on you?

I don’t think they are random –
I think they are hormone related.

What hormones? – why then? I don’t know. But I am going to start writing it down – looking for a pattern. Because I have lots of acquaintances that are into charting and into following the rhythms of their bodies – not as birth control – as in being “in touch with themselves” and preventive health. They are a wealth of information – and this is just the sort of project they will relish.



The vast majority of days – I am fine with my food – full, satisfied, fine.

Then there are those really awful days –
where I STILL eat as I should -
but, every minute of those days is a struggle.

These days aren't new to me - and I would guess that they probably aren't new to you either. And these are the days that are so frustrating. Everything is going along pretty well - eating as you should, exercising as best you can - and then WHAMMO - hunger on steroids.

I had NEVER noticed a pattern to these random days before, but now, it seems that it is about 3 days long. And the reason that I am now noticing a pattern is because NOW these random days have night sweats mingled in there somewhere.

And I am realizing that it is those random days that have real potential to get me off track - because they wound my ego, they fray my nerves, they make me feel that the whole (weightloss thing) is hopeless.

And if I gave in and ATE on those random days - it would be even harder to get back on track - three random days could turn into a whole wobbly set of days strung together. This wobbly set of days could last so long that it could run into another set of random days - then there would go my whole month.

So, don’t be surprised if you see “Hungry Day” posted HERE now and again – it is the one place where I will always be able to find it.

Thank You Trixie Beldon

Trixie Beldon gave me a huge compliment the other day. She responded to my query on what to look for in a specialist (scroll down and click on the comments under Wednesday's personal update for really good suggestions) and said:

"You are so honest and your writing style is so accessible."

The thing that is so interesting about that is I AM so honest - to all of you - and then when I read it back - to myself - I am honest with me too.

Personal Update:

I did go to my doctor's appointment. I even went early.

In fact, I went sweaty and dumpy - straight from yoga, because it was on the way home. I considered running home for a quick shower and real clothes and then decided that it might work better if I looked unkept.

Why? I think that I thought he would argue with me - that he would tell me I was fine. He did not.

The nurse showed me to a room and I asked if she was going to need a urine specimen for any reason (I drank a whole liter of water between yoga and the doctor's office and had to GO). She looked at my chart and said "You are JUST here for depression right?" I said yes, and she said - no urine test needed.

I was a little startled at the JUST - but it became clear later.

My blood pressure was up a little - no wonder.

And in case you are wondering, if you have all your yoga clothes on and drink a full liter of water - the scale goes up 4 pounds. I made her write my REAL weight in the chart.

Then she took me in a room and asked me a million questions - a computerized depression test. No matter what she asked me - I said "yes" truthfully. My only "no" was on suicidal thoughts - I would NEVER do that to my kids no matter what. She would read me a list of 3-5 things and ask if any applied to me - I would say "yes" and she would ask which ones and I would say "pretty much all of them". Then I would have to figure out how often - is daily often? She asked for "how long" and I said, "A couple weeks ago I thought 13 years, then 20 and now I think that it has been my whole adult life."

And did I think "I am a wreck"?

Actually - I thought - I am wonder woman - I have a REAL problem and I still function - I actually function on a lot of levels much better than a normal person - my kids have what they need, when they need it. They go to school clean, fed, prepared, and on time. They get to all their activities - clean, fed, prepared, and on time. And look at my weight loss - I have done all this - with a major weight on my back/shoulders.

So, yes, there are other levels where I don't function at all - but some important ones - I shine!

The rest of the world surely thinks that I am a little odd - a little off - quirky perhaps - aloof even - but incredibly capable and organized.

And I am sure that I scored off the chart on the little computerized test - because the doctor came in talking medicine and therapists and how I would also need to see him at least once a month in addition to the therapist. He said we might have to adjust medicine but that I had to promise to stay on medicine for at least two years to give him a chance to help me. That I couldn't just start to feel better and then just suddenly go off.



And the nurse's "JUST" as she showed me to my room? She didn't mean - something trivial like depression - she meant - ONLY depression and not a bladder infection (or something similar) too.

It turns out - They see 8-10 people a DAY, 4 days a week for depression and stress related problems - the same doctor that I have gone to since he got out of residency - well over 20 years ago - is a GP with a HUGE practice that includes tons of depression related illnesses - one of his niches.

Who knew? Not I - I had never said a word. Never asked a question. Never brought it up.

Mini Sprints Thursday

90 minutes - Yoga Lisa

The Kids

Yesterday on Andrea’s blog
http://onederfulbound.blogspot.com/2006/10/cleanliness-is-next-to-maintenance.html
I wrote:

“When my current 12 year old was 8 - her room was terrible (in my eyes) and my current 8 year old is now the same way. But these messy rooms were NOT terrible in these (8 year old) kids eyes at the time. My 8 year old would tell you in minute that everything is out - for a reason - working on it, going to work on it, thinking about it, don't want to forget it, like it, looking for the other pieces to it, etc.

"The 12 year old's room is picture perfect all the time - and in this very messy house - it is the ONLY room on the first floor that is always clean and tidy. She can't go to bed with a mess. The rest of us can go to bed IN a mess and it doesn't bother us one bit. And when the 12 year old looks at the 8 year olds mess - she sees it as a mess. But she was the SAME WAY when she was 8.

"Every once in a while 12 year old will clean it up the 8 year old's room. Her current theory is that we are all enabling the 8 year old and that she is old enough to learn. And that brings me to my blog for tomorrow (thanks for the idea).”




I over cleaned when I was little – because my mom worked and when to college and had a hard time coping.

So, I did most of the household chores.

I cleaned, I did laundry, I ran errands, I did things like take my brother to the doctor and do grocery shopping.

Was this bad?

Not in little bits – but I did most all of this for years.

I am sure that is why I am such a bad housekeeper now. I got burned out at a very early age.

I am sure that I over compensate with my kids – expect them to do too little around the house. But two things are very different:

My mom was like my 12 year old is now – simply could not go to bed with a dirty house (she is still this way – not one dish out of place). And she had no time – so I did it. I am not this way – I considering feeding everyone to be the important part – and putting the leftovers in the refrigerator – then if everything else must sit until breakfast – it does and I don’t think a thing about it.

And, my kids have very little free time. Between activities, and exercise and homework – they are busy – and I want them to have down time each day.

And I am discovering – since I don’t make a big deal about cleaning – they seem to just naturally come into it on their own. The oldest did – takes excellent care of his clothes, his car, his space upstairs. The middle child did – her clothes and room and bathroom stay very tidy and clean. Yes, these kids get out the vaccum, the rubber gloves and CLEAN their space. Is it clean by my mother’s standards? Probably not. But it is by most other people’s and most certainly by mine.

The youngest isn't there yet - but she is getting peer pressure from the other two. So I might be able to stay out of it - and she will just come into her own too.

So, maybe, by just letting her come into her own – is the kinder thing to do – so she doesn’t burn out – like I did.

And she will not have memories of MOM - the NAG.

And although her room is a mess - her desk and locker at school are not - she is very organized and prepared for school. In fact, her teachers would be quite surprised at the condition of her room!

My grandmother always slept with her purse and her shoes right next to her bed - fear of fire? ready for middle of the night catastrophie? We don't know. And this is what the scattering of stuff - across the youngest's room - reminds me of - my grandmother - it is the stuff she feels she might need at any moment.

So, although her room is quite messy, and you must watch where you walk, I would rather my youngest remember the year that we did homework, ate dinner, watched What Not to Wear, and read before bed - instead of the year that I yelled about the cleanliness of her room. Because at this age - it would be a nightly thing. She just doesn't see it as a mess - to her it is "being ready."

Personal Update

Looking for suggestions of things to consider in talking to my doctor about finding the RIGHT therapist. Tomorrow is my appointment - realizing that I feel very under prepared.

I already know that I want a woman (I think so anyway) as men drive me a little crazy/annoy me when they don't "get stuff".

Any other suggestions?

Nurse Jill called me with two specific names that she thought I would like - they are both therapists (not psychologists nor psychiatrists) that would work through my GP. Things to consider on that?

One of the names she gave me also runs support groups in addition to her private practice. Things to consider?

Keep Scrolling Down - 4 posts today

I am getting a complex with all these 0 comments today . . .

Media

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

I haven't seen any of the regular blogs that I frequent refer to this - maybe it is old news to everyone else (hard to believe that I would hear of something before all of you!). Or maybe I just missed the link on someone's blog.

Being influenced by the media, doesn't really apply to me -
because I don't really SEE the media.

I watch very little TV - and nothing on the major networks.

I read Reader's Digest and Guideposts - so not really ad oriented like the women's magazines.

I almost never go to the movies.

I live somewhere with NO billboard advertisements.

I am not on public transportant or highways with ads.


But, I am going to show this film to my girls.

Mini Sprints Wednesday

20 minutes - treadmill
20 reps on ab machine
5 minutes recumbent bike - high speed

Mini Sprints Tuesday

90 minutes - Yoga Lisa (she is back)

Sweats and Food - the Duo

If you have been looking for just that extra bit of motivation - you might find it in my post today - if you are younger than I am (45) or older with normal hormones - heed the warning and act now - it would be far easier for me to be in a maintain-ing mode than still trying to loose right now!



My youngest went to school with yet another package of cookies in her backpack. That is what she wanted to take for an after school, before Christmas play practice snack - cookies.

She wanted to take 3 cookies – but had to take the whole unopened package – because I said – "you can’t open that, take three, and then leave the rest here with me."

So, she took it – with plans to share with the whole cast until there aren’t any left to bring home.

I said – "don’t feed anyone more than 3 – you might make them sick – and I sent cookies along on the field trip last week – so moms might not like too many cookies."

After all this was arranged, she looked at me and said – "you are just having a couple of bad food days, aren’t you?"

And I am.

I want everything.

And thank goodness I don’t usually let myself have bits and bites – because I would have eaten myself out of house and home if I did.

Suddenly, the lunches and dinners and breakfasts that seemed so huge – seem like half the amount.

Is my food plan to restrictive? Not hardly – tons of food that I love.

It is that some days - my ability to eat is just bottomless.

I am eating an appropriate number of calories. I am eating an appropriate amount of food.

I think that my hormones are totally out of whack and putting my appetite into over drive.

For a while yesterday, I thought I was just USED to my food amounts and they were no longer enough. But, then when I woke up in a pool of sweat during the night – I realized the same thing happened last month – sweats and hunger.

I ate a huge salad for lunch yesterday – ate it in a serving dish as it was so large – black beans, chicken, lettuce, tomato, salsa, celery.

It was delicious – BUT, I could have eaten that same amount in that same serving dish again. And then probably again after that. My stomach would have hurt. I would have felt terrible. I could have waited a couple hours and then eaten that same salad again, and again, and again.

I know no end.

Thank GOD for three meals a day and a formula for each of those meals. Because I follow it like my children’s lives depended on it. And I guess in a way – their life with a healthy me does depend on it. Because if I stopped following three meals a day and a formula for each of those meals – I would eat myself silly – beyond comprehension – just keep eating.

If you are wondering if I need to just eat a little more - a controlled amount - on those days. I have tried that - eating an extra breakfast - eating a controlled amount of dried Cheerios - eating a little more fruit and dried Cheerios - eating an extra serving of yogurt and fruit. I have not tried these all on the same day - but I have tried it - and it makes no difference. I still know no end. And I don't think it is habit - because other days - long stretches of days - I do NOT do this - feel this - I think it is definitely tied to the sweats.

Personal Update:

My husband is on his way out of town tomorrow morning for the rest of the week and the weekend.

I have major cleaning out things I am doing while he is gone - he won't be back until after the trash goes!

I did get through to the doctor's office and am scheduled for Thursday. I told the receptionist and the nurse that I thought I needed a therapist and on anti-depressants - so I am committed. It is not like he will walk in the room and I can quickly make something else up.

I also called Nurse Jill from the Women's Health Center and left her a phone message with my troubles (having periodic melt downs, probably wack-o hormones too, not functioning very well, think I need a therapist and anti-depressants). So, she can check to see if there are any resources available through them.

I also signed up for a Get the Weight Off Your Shoulders seminar at the Women's Health Center on 11/9 - I called and said is this a stress related thing or a weight thing? (the title works either way) - sign me up please. It was weight - taught by nutritional person and personal trainer.

I have a tic in my right eye that comes and goes. The only other times I remember having it was during finals one year at college. And when I was under a financial strain just out of college.

Mini Sprints Monday

1 hour - Yoga Kate

Allergy shots and flu shots yesterday - so I was really not supposed to be doing exercise - Yoga Kate worked out perfectly - just a little flow series - so not much cardio - just tone.

Curiosity

I listen to a radio call in show for a couple hours every afternoon.

The show is Dr Joy Brown – check her website to see if she is available in your area.

Of course, I don’t agree with every little thing she says – but nearly – and it is always interesting to see what people THINK is their problem and what she actually has to say about it.

There was a call yesterday that seemed to tie into my post from yesterday so well. I even took notes so I would remember the exact numbers.

So, I was already set to write about this before I read Andrea’s post.
http://onederfulbound.blogspot.com/2006/10/skin-im-in.html
And, of course, Andrea’s post cinched it.

Yesterday’s radio call was from a woman who lost 182 pounds over the course of 4 years.

She said that she lost it the “natural way” – which I took to mean – no surgery.

This woman did not say what her starting nor current weights are/were – just that she was so thrilled to have lost all this weight.

She said that since the weight loss was slow but steady (4 years) that she had a psychological chance to adjust to her new body at each level as she lost.

She said that the changes to her body were enormous – but that she had done well with adjusting all along.

But, now she was worried, as she is getting ready to have all her excess skin removed and everything “tucked.”

She was worried about the psychological impact of “just waking up and having it suddenly, all gone.”

And by the way - her doctor's estimates were 40 pounds of skin (with a small amount of leftover fat to be removed also). So her total weightloss would then be 222 pounds!

Timely and interesting call!

Dr. Joy said that she was sure there was going to be swelling and stitches. And that the parts of her body involved would have dressing or support stocking types of wrappings.

So that it would not be quite as immediate of a result as this woman might be visualizing. That because of the layers – she would actually not see herself for a while. And, that she would not wake up and be out and about right away either.

And Dr. Joy said that as the swelling went down and the wrappings started to come off – to visualize herself having a “curious” state of mind. Not apprehension - not preconceived ideas of what she would look like – but curiosity.

I thought this was excellent advice – and I am not sure I would have thought of it.

I feel like most of my process/journey this time has been exactly that – curiosity. I ask a lot of questions, puzzle over each idea, and try new things. I have curiosity. And it sounds like that might be a good thing.

Scary Feelings

I started to reply to Jen
http://angryfatgirlz.blogspot.com/
and it got too long and ended up here as today's posting.*

Then I read
http://pastaqueen.com/halfofme/
and it fits in here nicely too. Like minds I guess.*

*added later: I didn't know I had to link to a specific day (then) in order to have the link pop up much later. When you get to this blog - you are going to have to click on Ocotber 2006 and then scroll down to somewhere around 10/16/06 to find these old posts! Sorry!!!

I think there might be at least two schools of thought as people approach their goal weights. Both have complicated feelings and can be quite scary.

One is for those who have not been that weight before – are looking at a new body that they have not yet gotten used to – have never lived in for very long. They are scared – they are in uncharted territory. They have “lost themselves” in a way. They have lost themselves - their old, normal self - on the way down to this new weight.

The Other is for those that are going back to a weight that, in their mind, is their real weight – the weight that they picture for themselves. They are going back somewhere familiar. But the fear is still there – knowing that they have been there before, lost their way, and gained a lot of weight. These folks might feel that they have lost themselves too – but long ago - when they gained.

I am in this later group.

I have realized that although I ALWAYS felt fat as a child and teenager – it was my body build – that made me feel that way.

I have a VERY thick waist. I was always trying to fit into constricting waist bands that were uncomfortable and tight. I am short waisted - so there was no amount of dieting in the world that would have made those styles work for me - my ribs and vital organs do have to be somewhere.

Isn't there a culture that removes the bottom two ribs? I would have been their prime example of why.

Had Stacy and Clinton (What Not to Wear) had a show 30+ years ago – and I had known to look for mid-rise pants and jeans – it would have been a whole different story.

As I look at pictures of myself from my 20’s – my lowest weights ever – when I was a full 30 pounds smaller than I am now – I see those straight up and down sides – very little indentation at the waist – and I remember how pinched I always felt in clothes and how fat.

I wasn’t – it was the style clothes that I tried to wear.

And people were always assuming I was pregnant – because what I wore made an even bigger belly on me – my pants weren’t going across the widest part of me – helping to hold it in – they were tight above the widest part of me – accentuating it.

And then came three babies, what I think was terrible post partum depression, and all my weight gain.

This is when I totally lost myself.

Years of just going through the motions – not really caring what size I was nor how I looked. Fat – yes – quite – not so much the weight – as very doughy – very unfit – no tone at all. And of course – most of my weight - was in the belly – roll after roll of it.

So, here I sit - approaching goal - slowly - baby steps you know - and I am finding myself again. The self that I left behind - about 17 years ago. The hardest years being the last 13.

And it is scary.

I have little memory of my gaining years.

I lost this all once before, almost had my old self back - and then something unknown, unexplainable happened and I lost my way and regained again. I don't even remember doing it. It was not a conscious decision - I was thin one minute and fat again the next.

So there is the fear of repeating history again.

And there is the fear of whatever made me gain to start with - will it rear it's ugly head again?

And there is the fear of not having food to occupy myself. It isn't the fat thoughts that scare me - although they do others, I know.

What is scary for me - is the thought that much of my eating was pure procrastination - don't want to think, don't want to feel, don't want to deal - what to do with myself? Eat - great mind filler, great time occupier, great somewhere to put myself.

So, when I hit goal, I think that my body, will feel like it has aged, but, is home again.

But my mind? I quite literally don't know what to think.

Pasta Queen

If you don't usually - be sure to read

http://www.pastaqueen.com/halfofme/archives/2006/10/weight_207_poun.html

from October 14th- especially the comments - good discussion on plateaus.

Zoo Day

We went to the zoo yesterday - we hadn't been all summer.

The youngest went there on a school field trip last spring and also with a friend's family last spring - so don't feel too sorry for her.

When the oldest was a baby - we had a pass - and we went almost every day. I walked the zoo. We would stay for one hour - and we would walk at a fairly brisk pace. I would either put him in a pack - or push the stroller.

Yesterday in the monkey area - I heard one woman say to another - "I decided that I was going to start running a mile every day last spring. I started out slowly - fast walking and built myself up. It took most of the spring and summer. But finally the day came - I ran a mile. I was so thrilled. And, you know, I did it that one time - and never did again."

By the dingos - aunt to 13-14 year old girl - "Your mother just is in denial". Girls asks what denial is. Aunt replies - "She pretends you don't know anything about it at all."

Could you not write a book about bits of conversation?

I spent much of my time at the zoo looking for my husband. I had not taken a purse or pack - and had no pockets. So, he had the car keys, camera, money, girls' water bottles, girls' snack. Never again. I either carry the pack myself or leave him at home. A grandma lady laughed out loud when she heard me say "Does anyone know where dad went? How can he be missing again already - we just found him."

Mini Sprints Saturday

None of this counts:
zoo - 2 hours with two little girls and one medium girl
mall - 1 hour with oldest (coat shopping)

I now realize why waitresses and store clerks don't get to "count" working - yes, they are on their feet all day - but it is just hard on the body without any real payoff. If I had been pushing a stroller/wheelchair or carrying a baby/toddler all day - that might have been a different story - but just me - and mostly standing - so it really doesn't count at all. Lots of fresh air!

Water

Do you know the munchies?

Times of the day, or places, where/when you used to eat?

That is when I get my water in!

I take advantage of those mindless times - when popcorn or pretzels with mustard would taste oh so good.

I do not use the standard - small bottles of water.

I keep several cases of 1 liter bottles around all the time.

And the kids - they have their own size and brand - actually each of them - a different brand and size - so anywhere in the house - if you see a water bottle "going" - you can tell at a glance who it belongs to. There is a very large cabinet in the garage - filled with their water bottles.

Let's just say - If we had a "boil emergency" - we would NOT have to run out and buy water.

Right now (I just went and looked) - of my one liter size - there are two cases in the back seat of my car. There are another three in the trunk. There are six cases in the pantry. There are two unopened bottles by my bed and another two in the front seat of my car and one by the bath tub.

They are everywhere - handy!

I can drink a liter - mindlessly - while throwing papers early in the morning with the oldest and another one liter in the afternoon throwing papers again with the middle child. I can easily drink one liter on the drive home after yoga or time at the gym. I can drink a liter - without even noticing - when I am at a volleyball game and everyone else is eating popcorn and I can smell it and hear it crunching!

If it is right there - I drink them.

So, my trick is - to have them right there - all the time.

PS - it is ironic that this would come up today - because while I was on cafeteria duty yesterday (yes - I took ice cream and milk money - so I was dealing with packaged things that didn't smell and it was okay) - one of the cafeteria ladies said that she noticed what I sent for lunch when my kids take their own. She also said that she noticed that my youngest drinks water every day for lunch. My middle child drinks milk if she is hot lunch and water if she is cold. The cafeteria lady said that pretty much every other mom packs kool-ade or pop for their kids' cold lunches. I don't have either of those at my house - let alone in someone's lunch box!

PPS - I don't drink pop. I stopped about 17 - 18 years ago when my doctor said that it just wasn't a good idea and that he thought the nutrasweet, etc. was going to be discovered to be a BIG problem down the road. I have NEVER been a coffee drinker - can't even stand the smell. I do drink lemon herbal tea (brewed) on occasion.

PPS- I now drink water at room temperature only - chilled makes me too cold and seems to "freeze" my GI track. When it is very cold outside - I have been known to set the one liter water bottle on a heat duct to "warm" it slightly. You can add (real) lemon and cook it in the microwave or stove just like tea or coffee.

Mini Sprints Friday

20 minutes - treadmill

Mini Sprints Weigh IN

155.5 pounds - just as I thought - up a pound - not to worry - I am pretty sure that it is the sore muscles thing. And with all the exercise that I did yesterday - I drank 4 liters of water!

I am not sure what the rest of the world does, but here's what I do.

I recognize that the scale is going to be different at different times of the day, different days of the week and different weeks of the month. That is a given. I also realize that salted foods - even the naturally occurring sodium kind - are going to make my body retain water. I have had as much as 4 pounds difference in the same day (I was curious so I weighed myself a LOT one day to see).

So, I don't sweat the little blips in the scale. And I actually don't take my lowest weight. I take the middle weight. So, when the scale is bouncing around between 163.5 and 167.5 (like it is right now) - I use 165.5 as my weight. Eventually the bouncing will settle - the scale will start to move down again, and I will adjust accordingly. Otherwise - I have found - that the scale actually hurts my feelings. Because my food and water are pretty dependable. It is the hormones and the occasional salt that I can't control very well . . .

More Recipes

If you liked my recipe for Measured Soup (scroll down to read it) - there is my recipe for Measured Taco Salad and Measured Tuna Salad in the comments section on that same blog entry.

Nothing much to say . . .

This is my 145th post since June 2006 and for the first time, I don't really have any "diet" details to share. So instead you are getting daily life details.

It was/is below freezing last night. My husband and I were out at 10pm (very late indeed for me to be up) pulling up geraniums - about 30-40 of them.

This is the only annual plant that I save from the pots, ground and window boxes each year. (I have substantial gardens.)

We pull them up, knock the dirt off, throw them in one of those tall brown paper lawn bags, staple it shut, and put it in a safe corner of the garage where it won't be mistaken for trash.

Midway through the winter, I will pull all the geraniums out, spray them off with the hose (in the garage) and then put them back in the bag (wet) and reseal it.

In the spring (May) when I get ready to plant and open the bag - there will be green leaves and maybe even some buds - yes, that's with no dirt, no water and no sun.

Evidentially where there is a geranium WILL, there is a geranium WAY.

*********************************************

Today, I am going in to the cafeteria to work over the lunch hour. I have never done this before. I am a little nervous about all the loose food - they do feed the workers. I plan to ask for the "selling milk" job - nothing to nibble on. We have a real cafeteria cook and staff - not a satellite lunch program.

This is not something I would normally do, but Cheerleader Lisa's husband left me a cryptic message at the beginning of the week that said "this is Lisa's husband - she doesn't know it yet, but she will be out of the country on Friday, for her 40th birthday - can you fill in for lunch duty for her?"

Who could say NO to that?

********************************************

I read a weightloss book long ago that talked about giving yourself credit for the little daily details in your life. I took this to mean - the stuff that bugs you and bugs you - where you spend more time worrying about it, than just doing it.

I have been working on these little annoyances all week.

Two vacuum cleaners in to be cleaned and checked (one making a funny noise and one not sucking properly). Even thought to buy more bags while I was there. We have three vacuum cleaners at our house - and by some miracle - they all take the same bags.

Watch in to have band tightened (my wrists are way smaller than they were) and the battery replaced.

Hole in a shirt to the alternation shop - she showed me how to do it myself. She knows that I sew and rarely will actually DO anything for me - she shows me how and sends me home. I would actually rather pay her and have it done - but have never been able to convince her of this. She does the same thing if I send my mother in with MY stuff - she knows it is mine (she knows that my mother doesn't have anyone at her house that wears school uniforms I guess). So, I can't even out-fox her.

Outgrown boots and coats to the family that we pass down our hand-me-downs.

Bills paid and mailed.

Girl Scout nut/candy orders collected and turned in (yes, they still sell cookies - that is Jan/Feb, I think).

Shortened a pair of jeans for the youngest at 6am yesterday. She lives in school uniforms or pj's most of the time. Yesterday was a field trip to the pumpkin patch. At 6am, as she was packing her bag (go to school in uniform, pull on jeans, take off jumper - ready for field trip) for school, she realized that the old ones didn't fit anymore. Luckily when we found jeans that fit her perfectly (maybe 3-4 years ago) - I bought one in every size from 4-16 (little girls). So, just grabbed the next pair, cut them off, sewed up new hem, and off she went.

I do this buy ahead thing with MANY daily details. You would know this from looking at my pantry - I buy some things by the case.

If I get taco salad all made and then discover I am out of Salsa - I am just out of luck. I rarely have time to react to this type of thing, at the time, so it is much easier to just plan ahead.

Think of all the time I save - all those trips to the store that I don't take - because I stock up when items are on sale. I just have to be very careful that it is not an item that we are likely to stop using. But on the other hand, many times a year, the girls are asked to take in non-perishable grocery items for the food bank. And I clean out then.

Mini Sprints Thursday

90 Minutes - Yoga Erin
35 minutes - Treadmill
20 minutes - Weight Resistance - abs, inner thighs, outer thighs, obliques
60 minutes - Yoga Colleen

I am expecting my weight to be up slightly tomorrow - because I am just a little sore all over. And that tends to happen - work out a lot - little sore - weight bounces up a little and then settles back down.

Snow

2:11pm (eastern time)

AND IT IS SNOWING HERE!

Am I the first one with snow on the ground?

Surprise Food

I am sure my children think I am just out of my mind sometimes (maybe all the time).

My youngest has gone to school two days in a row with food in her backpack - not to eat at school - to get it out of the house, so that I didn't eat it while they were gone.

Yesterday it was chocolate chip cookies - someone gave them to the girls and they were unexpected. I don't do well with loose/unexpected food. So, they went to school for the day and the carpool kids ate them ALL on the way home.

Today, I opened what I thought was a white sleeve of saltines (that's what it looked like, laying on the pantry shelf). It turned out to be oatmeal cookies.

What IS IT with these surprise cookies?!?!?

I have no idea where they came from. So, they had to tag along to school today. The youngest has a field trip so I sent them along as an after field trip snack - very thoughtful of me - don't you think???

Measured Soup

This time of year, I used to start making bean soup.

You know, brown the meat, saute onions and peppers, soak and cook the beans. Put everything together in the crock pot and cook on low all afternoon. I would divide the soup into little, individual containers and freeze. Then, I would thaw in the refrigerator and use the microwave to heat – to eat for lunches on cold fall days.


Last fall I was following a very carb restricted food plan – so no bean soup.


This fall – I can have a measured amount of beans.
So, I thought of a way to make Measured Soup.


First, I figured out that I needed 6 cup individual containers for the freezer.

Then, I got everything ready – chopped, cooked, browned, opened.

My plan? Keep everything separate, and then weigh/measure for each separate bowl/serving.

Protein:
I had (grilled) hamburger and chicken, and pork roast (crock pot) already cooked. I measured 4 oz (total) of these combined meats per bowl/serving.

Grain/Starch:
I soaked and cooked 14 mixed beans (dried package – I did NOT use the seasoning packet). I measured 1 cup (total) of these beans per bowl/serving.

Vegetable:
Stir fried onions and green peppers. Used chopped tomatoes. Used frozen leaf spinach. Steamed carrots. Many more veggies that I could have used. I measured 2 cups (total) of these combined vegetables per bowl/serving.

My broth was Natural Goodness Chicken Broth by Swanson. (Waxed cardboard type container in the soup aisle. It says NO MSG and 100% fat free on the front. Nutrition Facts: 1 cup is 15 calories, 0 fat, 570mg sodium, 1 carb, 3 proteins.) If I had planned ahead – I would have cooked chicken in the crock pot, let the liquid set in the refrigerator overnight to separate the fat and then used that as broth. I used 1 cup broth and 1 cup of water per bowl/serving.

Each bowl/serving is a complete meal for me. And, after almost two years, I can’t imagine how good it is going to taste.

Help yourself to any of these recipes - it is the CONCEPT of the pre-measuring that I was so thrilled with - make a pot of soup and scoop out - you are not sure WHAT you are actually getting - this measure way - it is a meal in a bowl.

I do this same one bowl idea with taco salad and tuna salad for lunch.

taco salad:
ground beef and/or chicken- 4 oz
beans (chick and/or black - 1 c
lettuce/tomato/onion/celery -1 3/4c
salsa (1/4c) and/or Ranch -1T

tuna salad:
tuna -(4 oz) water pack
white bean and/or apple - 1c
celery/onion/tomato - 2c
Lots of mustard
light mayo - 1T

Read the labels on salsa - some are very high in sugar. I think we have figured out that the smaller size ChiChi's is the best here. But if you buy it in the larger sizes - more sugar. Same label, same brand - different size - different content.

Mini Sprints Wednesday

20 minutes - Recumbent bike
5 minutes - Elliptical
20 minutes - Treadmill
30 reps - abs on weight resistance machine

I have to tell you. I did not want to go to the gym this morning. I just wanted to drop the girls off at school, come home and go back to bed. I had to MAKE myself go. I had to make myself stay on the treadmill. I had to make myself stay on the bike. I had to make myself at least get on the elliptical for a 5 minute boost in between. That's just how it is some days. . .

Focus Trouble - Seeing It (added to it)

Several people have mentioned the “blaaas” that everyone (bloggers) seem to be going through.

I feel it in myself too – but (in myself) I would call it lack of focus.

I didn’t realize it until Yoga Kate on Monday – when I had to WORK to stay mindless.

Normally it just pops in automatically – unroll yoga mats – relax, clear mind.

For the first 20 minutes at Yoga Kate – I had to keep clearing my mind.

I think that I know why.

I had not gotten there early – I was in fact late – and that sets off a whole series of “I’m such a failure” feelings that are left from childhood.

I was late because the oldest and I were signing him up for SAT’s on the computer and it took forever – screen after screen. We started an hour in advance (who knew!) and Yoga is only 3 minutes away – and still I was late.

I lived in a house that was very late to everything as a child – it really bothered me. I am rarely late now. And on the few times that I am – it makes me feel really awful.

It dredges up all kind of really ucky feelings. Yes, I know – it is just the clock – it is no big deal – it hardly ever happens. But, I still hate it. It is an instant "bottoming out" feeling. I could bottle it - be late - bottom out.

I made sure I was early for Yoga Erin on Tuesday – and HAD my “clear mind feeling” all during yoga that day. So, I think my stretching and set up routines are very important. I need routine - transition time – from the pace of the real world to the stillness of the Yoga world. So, by the time I left that Yoga class - I felt more like myself.

However, I soon realized that my food felt very unfocused all day Tuesday.

I seemed to eat all day rather than at meal times.

Stated better?

I guess I dragged each meal time out hugely – eat protein – do a task – wait a while – eat vegetable – do several tasks – wait a while – eat grain, etc.

It is amazing how much this can spread out a meal.

I guess this is the same as being "late" - late for a meal.

I didn’t put my food on a plate and eat it all at one time. In fact, I didn’t even put it on a plate – just ate as I prepared it. For example, sweet potato skin served as its own bowl.

Where did this come from? Who knows! But at least I SEE it and can “fix” it today.


I can also see that one day I might accidentally “scatter” my food – the next day it might stay scattered. Within a couple days - scattering would be the new norm.

Then the week after that, I might be lazy with my measuring and weighing.

Then the week (or day) after that, it might be still be scattered, be sloppy weighing and measuring, and turn into actual over eating.

I can see myself building to mindless all day eating this way. A month, a week, a day? I can see myself doing it.

It would start out small (just like being late) and would snowball on me – to all day, every day, eating.

I can SEE it.

And if you think I am looking too much and seeing too much and that I should just relax - I have a very good answer.

I did this once before. I lost almost this same amount of weight - got to this same point in fact and almost this same time of year. And I regained it all. And I have no distinct memory of doing it.

So, I AM looking - I am watching all the time. And what I see is very interesting - I see patterns. I see myself drop in and out of habits almost on a daily basis.

I read other bloggers remark on this too - "I used to meditate," or "I used to make my bed," or "I used to go to the gym early in the morning," or "I used to wear makeup," or "I used to always use the stairs."

There are a lot of used to's.

And probably none of these bloggers got up one morning and decided to stop any of these habits. It just sort of slipped away.

And the bad habits - they just sort of slip IN the same way.

So, yes - I AM over analyzing and I AM watching myself carefully. Not paranoid - just watching and analyzing. Because this is the critical time for me. I have done this before - with a very unhappy ending. And this time it is going to be different.

Mini Sprints Tuesday

90 Minutes - Yoga

Mini Sprints Monday

60 minutes - Yoga Kate

Baby Daze

Hang around any large group of women long enough – and someone ends up with a very surprise pregnancy – NO, it is not me – it is one of my neighbors.

She is in her early 40’s, has kids that are 12 and 10 – and just had a baby 48 hours ago.

They are thrilled of course – she had a rough pregnancy – but her easiest yet delivery. And the shock wore off sometime over the summer.

This appears to be a “semi-bad baby” if you can tell such things after 48 hours – I always could – so when she tells me this – I do believe her. And she is trying to figure out how a “semi-bad” baby (fussy – really fussy) is going to handle hockey league over the winter – lots of games, lots of travel with the 10 year old son. And the 12 year olds basketball season all winter – then softball season all spring.

And I am so glad for her. And so glad it isn’t me.

I love my kids. I loved that baby time. And my baby time was pretty spread out – my kids (currently 8, 12, 16) are all four years apart. I liked it that way. I could get one weaned, pottied, and off to preschool before I started in on the next one. They all had fairly identical childhoods this way – everybody got to be home with mommy by themselves for the “same amount of time.”

If I had to do it differently – I would do it the same.

And if I had one or two more – that would have been fine – but I would have started earlier (I turned 30 just after the oldest was born) rather than later.

But, now – I have my body back. And I would like to keep it that way.

So, to anyone that just found out they are pregnant – or is just about to – enjoy – it is such a special time.

Me? I find myself discretely making the vampire X sign – every time I see someone MY age-ish with a baby in tow or one on the way.

Maintenance Blogs???

Does anyone know of any blogs,
besides our favorite - Jonathon
http://jack-sprat.blogspot.com/
that deal with maintenance?

A good place to unwind

http://www.inspiredthemovie.com/

Belle mentioned this on her site and I am very thankful to have found it. When I need to still my mind, to focus, to reaffirm – I go here. I love the music. I love the black and white pictures. I love the little segments under “media”. I go here, I relax, I connect.

The Angels' Whisper

On Saturday October 7 – in my Mental Commitment Blog

(scroll down if you don’t remember, for a quick re-read)

I talked about my little guardian angel.

And I think that there is something that she “put in my path” for me to pass on.

So, this might actually be YOUR little guardian angel trying to get a message to YOU or someone you love.


At the end of Yoga on Thursday morning – someone asked Shannon where her mother was – Jeannie rarely misses class and she had been out all week.


Before you read the next part and think that we are all hard-hearted that we hadn’t asked before – please realize – we don’t talk at Yoga – never during class – and rarely before/after class – it just isn’t done. Class is a very quiet/zen like environment, and then after class - many hurrying off to get changed for work, just no time, and not THE time, etc.


Shannon’s answer stopped us all in our tracks – it seems that Jeannie has malignant breast cancer. She was in for a lumpectomy – and that is why she hadn’t been at class all week.

Shannon works for an inner city women’s medical group – and part of the service is to provide a mobile on-site mammography “bus” several times a year so inner city women (without transportation) can be tested.

Shannon knew that it had been FIVE YEARS since her 60 something mother had a mammogram – so she invited her to stop by and use the service.

They immediately found a lump – and sent Jeannie right in. They think that the lump was all “contained” and they think that her lymphs were all clean/clear. The news seems to be very good. They think they caught it in time.

It was a shock to the whole family – Jeannie is a very fit, energetic, non-smoker with NO family history.


So, my little guardian "health" angel is telling your little guardian "health" angel that if you have not been in for your annual pap or your annual mammogram or your annual bloodwork or some other important test for which you need to take responsibility– today is the day to call and make an appointment. Not tomorrow. Not when you loose another 5-10 pounds. Not when you have more money. Not when you have more time. Today.


PS – the reason that I am so sure that this is my angel talking to yours?

I HAD my tests all done last month. I don’t need to go in.

And I lost a family member to breast cancer 10 years ago – and her name happened to be Jeannie.

The Oldest

Does anyone else remember the books Karen and With Love from Karen? There might have been one more too. These were fictional books about the large, warm Catholic family with a menagerie of kids and the middle one had CP (Cerebral Palsy).

In one of these books, they talked about how often CP kids fall and that some families are afraid to let the CP kids DO anything (walk, go down stairs, etc) for fear that the CP kids will fall and hurt themselves. Other families put a helmet on the kid, pillows at the bottom of the stairs and let the kids learn.

I am the later kind of mom.

I have let toddlers snap themselves hard with rubber bands, preteens get their feelings hurt by poor choice friends, and have badly planned days end in disaster. I have never let anyone loose an eye or do irreparable harm to themselves, but I have let them solo.

You have to solo sometime in order to learn to fly.

I give myself “mom” credit for this – because it is harder to stand by and do nothing – than it is to direct, steer, order.

But it is a necessary part of getting kids ready to stand on their own two feet.

It is part of getting me ready to stand on my own two feet with no little feet right next to me also.

So far, as each of my kids (now ages 16, 12, 8) have “hit the next stage” I have been very ready – and so have they.

Even my first born – did not want me to go IN to preschool with him the first day – big boys don’t need to be seen with their mothers, I guess.

He was 4 years old.

He got out of the car – waved backwards over his head – and was gone.

Now he is the one driving the car.

His own – that he bought with his paperboy money. And he is doing his own banking, paying his own bills, calling in his own prescriptions, buying his own clothes, and meeting friends before school for early morning breakfast at the local pancake place.

He is 16 years old – and more responsible than some 26 years that I know.

This is the kid that gets up at 4:45 am to throw papers on a school day and 2am on Saturday and Sunday.

He is bright, he is VERY funny, he is sensitive.

He is very good at answering my questions in a Bill Clinton way that makes me realize he is a typical teenager – not giving away anymore information that absolutely necessary.

He sees through me – always has – he calls a “spade” and “spade” and doesn’t let me get away with a thing. He asks me several times a day “how I am doing?” or “how’s your day going?” – he cares how I answer.

Is he perfect? I am sure not – but I honestly can’t think of one single true fault that this kid has – are there things about him that he would change? Probably, but I think he is great, just the way that he is.

Notes

Lori and Rowan - I left notes for you under comments on "The Safe List" posting below.

The Cold Thing

It is such a terrible thing to feel really cold - cold to the bone all the time.

If you read another blog - where someone complains about being cold all the time and is looking for ideas/help - please share with them that I THINK it is both exercise and sleep related.

On the days that I sleep well and do adequate exercise - I don't notice it.

On days that I am doing neither well - I notice it.

I'll keep you "posted" as the winter moves in to stay.


Excellent link from PastaQueen on being cold - be sure to read all the comments!
http://www.pastaqueen.com/halfofme/archives/2006/10/brrrr.html

Mental Commitment

Andrea

http://onederfulbound.blogspot.com/

got me thinking about owning/stating our "weights" yesterday.

Do I think that everyone needs to post their weights and goals and measurements - absolutely not - people are motivated by different things.

I didn't tell ANYONE my weight until I was well under-way with this process - maybe not for the whole first year - then I started telling EVERYONE that asked.

I think that this switch was a way of making sure that I never went back to those higher numbers again.

So anyone that asks,
knows what I weighed (215 lbs),
knows what I weigh now (153.5 lbs),
knows what goal is (140 lbs)
how much I will have lost (75 lbs) at goal
and every time I SAY it - it commits me.

There have been MANY times that I would have stopped along the way and stayed at certain weights. And two main things have stopped me -

1. my goal weight is VERY public (I talk about it in my blog and it is all posted on the sidebar). Everyone in my neighborhood and the kids’ school and yoga and church and the gym that knows me – probably knows all my weights too.

2. my belly fat - it has annoyed the daylights out of me - clothes don't fit - my last 15 pounds (actually 13.5 now) is ALL IN MY BELLY - literally. This is more motivating than anything I might have planned to motivate myself. Had I lost "proportionally" I am quite sure I would have stopped long ago - and been perfectly happy at whatever that level might have been.

I do not want to feel like I have to explain
– “I planned for 140 lbs, but never made it – so I ended up at 146.5 lbs”
- "Yes, I wanted to loose 75 lbs, but only ended up loosing 68.5 lbs"
for the rest of my life.

And I would say those things - the same way that when anyone compliments me now - my first impulse is to comment on my belly fat. It is hard to just say thank you - as we all have commented time and time again. We seem to need to put a "disclaimer" in there every time!

Would I HAVE to explain it - of course not. Would I feel like I needed to explain – yes, for the rest of my life.

Plus, I am just the kind of person that likes to have things DONE. And done right – not half done. Maybe that black and white thing comes in handy every once in a while.

And there is that pesky BMI chart – yes, I know half the world thinks that it is off. But, remember, I came up with my goal weight, Jill the RN came up with her goal weight for me – and they were the same. There has to be some Karma in that.

I guess stating my weight/goal/progress – is the same philosophy as getting rid of ALL my outgrown clothes. It is a commitment – it is a tangible “statement”.

If you are new to reading me - I got rid of every single "undergrown" item. Everything in my closet either fits me or is slightly too small (that I will be able to wear shortly). The ONLY exception to this are my Dick VanDyke PJ's - and it is because the tops are nice and long - when I go down into the sizes that fit me - the tops are just to the waist and I feel a draft all the time.

Do I think that everyone else needs to follow the BMI chart - absolutely not.

Like I said - for me it is a Karma kind of thing.

I think that my belly fat bothers me so much for a reason.

A big part of the reason I started this weight loss process was fear of serious health problems. I was just getting to the point where I was having major knee and back problems. Terrible asthma problems, etc. I read Passing For Thin at that particular moment - and it just stopped me in my tracks, turned me around and sent me back the other direction.

I am positive I would have kept gaining weight.

I am positive that I would have ended up at a much higher number than 215 lbs. I have all the traits. I really identify with the blogs where people are at much higher weights. I just had the very good fortune of not having to go any higher than 215 lbs before I realized this.

This was not because of any particular brilliance on my part. I have sort of just wandered along in this process - looking for what to do next, wondering, asking questions, figuring it out. I did not have some "big" plan in the beginning. I have switched food and exercise and philosophies several times.

I give myself little credit for thinking of the "big picture" - It is much more like I have a little guardian "health" angel watching over me - I don't see her or talk to her - but when something falls in my path - I take it as a sign and pay attention.

And when I say that I think that my belly fat bothers me for a reason - I think I have foregone some terrible health problem (like diabetes) by starting when I did and sticking to it - and getting (eventually) to goal. I think that this was the plan of my little guardian "health" angel all along.

At each point in this process, when I might have stopped where I was, something has intervened to keep me going. Belly fat, a blog, how I look in the dressing room mirror, someone posting an encouraging comment on my blog, someone beeping their horn in the school parking lot and shouting "You go girl!". These little things have added up and kept me on my way.

By stating my weight - stating my progress - posting my exercise - posting my food - it all is affirming that I am in progress - I am committed.

It is not easy - not for any of us - I realize that.

I just keep pointing myself down the path and keep on keeping on.

And my little guardian "health" angel keep setting things out on the path for me to see, for me to think about, to keep me going.

Baby Steps you know, baby steps.

Mini Sprints Friday

30 minutes - walking outside
as fast as I could go - arms swinging -
temperature 40 degrees with a wind!

30 minutes - chest opener (on blocks)

20 minutes - recumbent bike (moderate pace)

20 minutes - weight resistance machines
(inner thighs, outer thighs, abs, obliques)

The Safe List

On September 16th - I wrote - Talking to Toddlers.

If you don’t remember – click for a quick re-read.

I think it was Rowan, described this as My Inner Child.

And I would never take this Inner Child to a grocery store
and ask the open ended question -

“What are you hungry for?”

What a mistake that would be!

All those nasty inner aisles just full of really bad choices. That huge bakery and bread aisle and deli –full of really bad choices. And the frozen section – lots and lots of sweets and high sodium, prepared items – all really bad choices for me.

The whole world of food is NOT an option to me.

I live with a set list of foods that are available to me –

Dairy -
non fat milk
non fat, plain yogurt
non fat cottage cheese

Proteins -
fish, chicken, beef, pork, turkey
(baked, broiled, George Foreman-ed, or grilled)
eggs
canned/water packed tuna

Starches or grains –
beans/legumes
Acorn, butternut, spaghetti winter squash
Green peas
Potato
Yams and sweet potato
amaranth
barley
brown basmati rice or regular brown rice
kasha
millet
oat bran
oat groats
quinoa
rye berries
steel cut oat
steff
whole grain oats
(I HAVE all of these - some I eat all the time - others I still need to try!)

Vegetables
Artichokes (not packed in oil)
Asparagus
Bamboo shoots
Beans (green or yellow)
Beets
Bok choy
Broccoli
Brussel sprouts
Cabbage
Carrots
Cauliflower
Celery
Eggplant
Lettuce (I go for the darker greens)
Mushrooms
Onions
Radishes
Snowpeas
Spinach
Sprouts
Turnips
CANNED Water chestnuts

One of the first grade teachers just told me -
if it has seeds it is actually a fruit not a vegetable -
so here are some that I am not sure WHAT they are:
Cucumbers
Peppers
Tomatoes
Zucchini or summer squash
should green beans be listed down here too???

Fruit
Apple
Apricot
Berries (raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries)
Cantaloupe or honeydew
grapefruit
kiwi
lemon or lime
nectarine
orange
peach
pear
pineapple
plum
prunes
tangerine

I am sure that I am forgetting somethings that I like.
And you will think of somethings to add that you like, but I don't.

Did you notice that the only things that might be considered "processed" are under the dairy listing and the canned tuna and canned Water chestnuts? Everything else listed is either fresh, dried or flash frozen.

If you are watching sodium - like I am - with this list, there is mostly the naturally occurring kind. I don't have any salt/salt shaker in my kitchen - I never add salt (or sugar) as I cook.

Do I find this limiting?

No way – look at how long each of those lists are – the possible combinations are endless.

What I find it that the “structure” helps me choose wisely.

You might think of things that aren't listed above (like grapes, watermelon, for example) that you can eat in limited amounts that I can't.

Can I eat a whole watermelon during the course of a day - yes!
For me it is like eating wet sugar - endlessly.

I find this list helpful. It gives my Inner Child a lot of safe choices. These are all things I can say yes to. Then it is just a matter of - balance - weighing and measuring - eating at meal times.

My inner child does not choose from -
or even considering -
“the whole wide world of food” –

I am picking from a safe list.
A healthy list.
A list that helps me loose and will help me maintain.

Mini Sprints Weigh IN

154.5 pounds

Mini Sprints Thursday

70 minute Yoga Barbara (Yoga Lisa still on vacation)

60 minute Yoga Colleen

The Secret Weapon

Coping with the holidays has been the recent topic on Angry Fat Girlz.

And I have a little trick that I used, during the holidays last year, that served me well.

My mother lives about two blocks from us.

It is easier on her husband if we all go to their house for each holiday. Then he has his chair and his TV and can live in peace with (or without, depending on how you look at it) my kids.

So, we are at my mother’s for each holiday.

That means that ALL there is to do - centers around FOOD - on each holiday.

We get it ready, we eat it, we clean it up. Then we feed everyone dessert and clean that up. Then a little time goes by and someone is hungry again and the process starts all over. An entire day that USED to be centered around food.

NO MORE!


This whole alternate concept started because my mother was making two scrapbooks to commemorate her goddaughter’s life.

Her goddaughter Pam died last year, at age 47, of an obscure condition that was in the Muscular Distrophy family of diseases.

My mother collected sayings, pictures, letters, drawings, cards, etc and made two scrapbooks - one for Pam’s mother and one for Pam’s young daughter. The daughter’s scrapbook will be kept until she is older.

We worked on these two scrapbook together during all the holidays last year.

Please realise that I SEE my mother and talk to her on the phone - pretty much everyday. But we rarely have big blocks of time together. The holidays were just that - big blocks of time to work on her two commemoritive scrapbooks.

So, it wasn’t a planned distraction from the food. It was just happenstance.

It turned out to be wonderful happenstance.

These were very uplifting scrapbooks because Pam lived a life - that might have been sad and tragic to others – but was magical and spiritual to her.

And when these two wonderful scrapbooks were well underway, I started collecting items for the middle/wild child for a scrapbook kit for Christmas. She is a very arty kid and loved this Christmas gift – scrapbook makings to work on her own scrapbook.

The oldest child – a boy – didn’t want a scrapbook. So, I just made copies of pictures to put away for him. Ready for a plain album or frames or maybe something a future wife might want for a project of her own.

That left the youngest – and I am making a scrapbook for her.

This is my new secret weapon for the upcoming holidays.

I have a large box of scrapbook makings that I now keep at my mother’s house.

These are all pictures, souvenirs, shrunken color copies of school drawings, etc for a scrapbook for this child - my youngest.

I worked on it a lot last Easter. It gave me something to do – something to do with my mother. And something to THINK about besides all the food that they were all eating that I wasn’t.

I have not touched it since Easter Sunday – it is my holiday project, you see.

And I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter this year – because it means I get to get it out and work on it some more!

Mini Sprints Wednesday

45 minutes - walking outside - full out, as fast as I could go
25 minutes - recumbent bike (at the gym) moderate speed
30 minutes - weight resistance machines (at the gym)
(abs, inner thighs, outer thighs, leg extensions, obliques)

I give myself credit - I think that I am doing a good job of mixing it up. If anyone is wondering why I do NO arm weight resistance machines - it is because I do so much (lifting/holding my own weight) in yoga that I need to give my arms a rest in between yoga days.

The Other Way of Looking At It

We have all done it - starved ourselves, worn light clothing, gone thirsty- all before a weigh in.

Last year there was a group of four that charted their weight loss in the local newspaper for 6-9 months.

The lone man in the group admitted that he did heavy fiber the day before to "clean himself out" for favorable results on the scale on weigh in day. He didn't actually say laxatives and supositories, but the article made me think it. And, you can be sure he fasted and dehydrated himself also. He described his whole little ritual in the paper - had he put as much effort into his food for the week as he did his day before weigh in ritual - he would have been assured a loss each week.

The other three women did not go to the extremes that he did, but did starve themselves and dehydrate themselves on weigh in day each week - and you guessed it - pigged out afterwards.

For being posted IN THE PAPER - none of these people had a particularly successfull 6-9 month "diet" - the food they posted each week was mostly fast/convenience food.

The paper did not have them working with any types of specialists - the point of the ongoing article was to show what people did on their own. I suppose it would have been a much better article to have done THIS "on your own method" for 6-9 months and then have had them work with a specialist or program for another 6-9 months and show the difference.

I belonged to a weight loss/nutrition class at Curves last year. I refused to be weighed with my clothes on at the end of the day - after food and water. There was a curtain and I always threatened to strip - instead they took my word on my morning weight from home.

I was honest, I always told them the real weight from that morning's weigh in. But, I wouldn't get on the scale, at the end of the day, with my clothes on, after food and water.

And I never changed my eating/drinking pattern on weigh in day.

I was fortunate that they "took" my morning weight, But, if they had not - I would not have changed my food or water for the day - I would have simply ignored "their number" - in fact I think I would have told them not to even tell me what it was.

Isn't that silly?

What about looking at it the opposite way?

What about weighing yourself after drinking a liter of water and eating a meal and saying "I weigh less than this" or "this is the most I will ever weigh - because I am full".

If you always weigh yourself "full" - the pounds lost would be the same - hydrated apples to hydrated apples, so to speak - and it would be like having your own little secret - because you would always know that you actually weighed less.

My husband always said this of the man that "cleaned himself out and starved/dehydrated" in the newspaper article (and admitted doing it besides!).

The pounds lost was the same - because if he was always weighing himself really "empty" that wasn't actually his true weight - it was just the pounds lost that stayed the same. Dried apples to dried apples, so to speak.

Just a thought.

Mini Sprints Tuesday

75 minutes Yoga Erin (Yoga Lisa is on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks)

More Genie

Genie is the one that called Sunday night slightly outraged that someone would tell her that I "had to get" plastic surgery. Remember, this bothered her more than it bothered me.

And Grumpy Chair - I suppose it is rather high school-ish.

But the far NE end of town where I live has a very small town feel. And this is all within my very large parish community. I think about 1/4 of the parish lives within a 1 mile radius of my house. Everybody does tend to know everyone else (and their business).

And it is obvious that most of these people - even the ones I don't really know - have taken quite an interest in my weightloss. It is so strong of a difference and since I am still going and you can still see the difference week to week, month to month - I am an ongoing story or item of interest I guess.

I can walk across the parking lot at dismissal - and if I go down a different row (than usual) - people will beep their horns, lean out their windows and yell things like "you look so great" or "how much more have you lost?" or just "you go girl." These are people I barely know - but because of all my volunteer work and the weightloss - they do all seem to know me.

Getting back to my story -
I have known Genie for over 20 years - she has seen me through all of my pregnancies - and I through hers. We were neighbors at the old house and now both here in the new neighborhood as well. She is my oldest's godmother.

I think she called to talk to me about the "plastic surgery talk" because she was worried that someone would catch me off guard and hurt my feelings and she wanted me to know how ridiculous she thought it was to think I needed it. She was very gentle about it - as is her way - I think she just wanted to "check in" and see if any of this plastic surgery talk is getting to me.

(There is a side story about plastic surgery in my neighborhood below).

Genie was in my water aerobics class this summer. The instructor teaches exercise classes at a variety of gyms in the area and also teaches nutrition classes. Her nutrition classes are based on counting calories, and maintaining nutritional balance.

Genie and Ruth (another lady from water aerobics) are both taking this nutrition class. It is an eye opener for her.

Genie is a long time Weight Watchers person. And she has always done very well with WW.

With her three pregnancies, she has fluctuated up as high as a size 14 (right after babies). The lowest I ever remember her was a size 8 (for a very short time). Most of the time she dips between a size 12 and a size 10 - I think it is about a 15 pound difference for her between just barely fitting in the size 12's and having the size 10's fit loosely.

And I think this - over the course of her adult life with three pregnancies - now at age 45 (same as me) is VERY GOOD. She has never had a massive gain - she keeps it under control. Sure that 15 pounds is a big deal to her. But the point is that she gets it back off - it never snowballs on her.

Genie mentioned that she has figured out that the same way that she bounces back and forth in that 15 pound range - she has decided she can maintain within a 2 pound range instead. And this was an eye opener for her - she will stay in the size 10's, not feel like she is bursting at the seams, and feel like she is eating a more well balanced/nutritionally sound food plan.

She is still doing this within the WW system - she is just watching her "bouncing" much more carefully (on the scale every 2 days) and eating a more well rounded plan. She is avoiding most processed food, varying her vegetables to a wider degree and really watching the fat.

It was interesting to hear her talk - because this was all a very new concept to her - that 2 pound UP leeway. And I don't think I had EVER mentioned to her that is exactly what I do when I am taking a break (like last winter's surgery) and this is what I plan to do to maintain.

Her interest in varying her vegetables and reducing her fat - none of it was new news to me either - but it was refreshing to hear her talk. To affirm what I already do and know. To hear the excitement in her voice as she figured out how to take a good plan, that has served her well, and take it up a little bit - tweak - it to serve her a little better.


The side story from my neighborhood:
I didn't know this until after yoga yesterday - but one of the ladies from the neighborhood that is the QUEEN of plastic surgery (two tummy tucks, face, two boob jobs one to perk and one with implants, and I think, thighs) is falling apart. She is exercising at three different gyms - most everyday- she teaches intense aerobics classes - that she does herself also - several times a day. AND power walks the whole neighborhood twice a day - this is several miles each way. She is so thin that she looks like she is very ill - her hair is falling out - her husband doesn't know what to do with her. She and her husband went on vacation with several other couples - no one knew how bad it was until then. She wouldn't do anything with anyone - because she had to go to the gym - she was there all day, everyday - the whole week. They would be down at the pool and could see her running on the treadmill, upstairs in the gym through the window - all day - running, and running and running. And no one knew how little she was eating until she was there - not really eating anything. She needs to be hospitalized - she needs to be in a program. I am assuming that if her friends, husband and family can't do anything with her - she is probably going to have to have a health catastrophe - end up in the hospital - before anyone can talk some sense into her. So, plastic surgery is just kind of on everyone's mind, here, I guess.

Mini Sprints Monday

1 hour Yoga Kate
1 hour Yoga Colleen

Thresholds

A long time neighbor (at both this house and the old house), named Genie, called to see how many people have mentioned plastic surgery to me.

I said - actually a lot. She was a little outraged on my behalf.

She said that a mutual acquantance, that has kids at the same school as ours, had stopped to ask her if I was considering it. Genie had replied that she was pretty sure I was not considering it - thank you very much.

This question bothered her - much more than it bothered me.

I am used to it.

First, eveyone assumes that it is much worse "under my clothes" than it actually is. I have two problem areas
-belly, but I have had three kids, so some of that excess skin would have been there anyway.
and
-side of my chest wall, below my arm pits, behind my breasts.

The belly is actually getting better. I have an idea that when I get to goal, it will be much better and that another year of hard toning effort will improve it dramatically.

The side chest wall area is NOT getting better - and most of the fat is gone there - so it is massive skin.

The rest of me is pretty good - but I am sure people imagine heavy folds of extra skin every where.

I live in a neighborhood where plastic surgery is common place. It has nothing to do with excess skin and weightloss. It has more to do with gravity and aging.

There are women here who have had tummies, boobs, face and thighs done. Sometimes it is all of these things on the same person. And as they are getting older, you can see that they have all this work done - because they are looking just a little "off" as they age. Nothing specific - but just a little too tight, a little too gaunt, a little too stretched looking. Sometimes - it is just not a pretty sight.

Many of these women would not have eaten as I have eaten, would not have worked out as I have worked out - they would have just gone and had it sucked out and then "fixed" to look their version of pretty. But on the other hand - they would never have gotten themselves into the shape I was in either.

These are women that would never have gone to the grocery store in their Dick VanDykes with a hoodie over it. These are women that wear makeup and have their hair, nails done - and tan each week at a booth. These are very thin women with overly large breasts that have either been implanted or "perked up." They look very "off" or phony to me - but it is their choice.

I would just never do it.

In good shape

First I want to tell you that I am feeling more like myself – only shaky.

And second - I have not been on here or any other blogs to read - I will - just haven't yet.

We had an early morning volleyball game on Saturday (the same place that I couldn’t find nor get home from last week). My husband drove this time, and kept asking, which way did you go last week? – driving there and back yesterday, it was SO simple – that it is hard to believe that I couldn’t do it last week. And as I said – this happened to me ALL the time after the 2nd child was born.

She was a end of March baby and a very kind neighbor used to come pick us up at least once a week and take us the park for the day – she did the chairs and the food and the details – so all I had to do was put clothes on myself and the kids and GO. She really brought a touch of sanity to a very hard summer. I had been off my feet, vomiting and just trying to hang on until the middle child came – most of the year before – and it took a long time to get back in touch with normal life.




And since you know that I am relatively okay at this moment – and my husband is ALERT, I want to talk about something normal and mundane – like clothes.

There are times when I go to volleyball games dressed in things that I could go work in a corporate office. Because I realized, I don’t really go anywhere, so the places I go – I wear what I want – pretty, well fitting new clothes. You would be proud to know me - proud of how I look. The other moms go in bad jeans and sweats and that is okay. Most of them work and this is their chance to unwind. Me? - I hardly go anywhere – but when I am out NOW – I am usually dressed quite well.

And I mentioned that I bought a striped suit in the junior’s department at Target the week before last. It fit perfectly NOW – and I realized that the pants were going to be too big when my remaining weight came off – I looked on line and back in the store several times – but next smaller size was not available. So, I took it all back.

Friday, shopping, there at Target again with the middle child for a computer game she wanted, I saw a gray suit that I loved. It was in women’s and I did try it on. The jacket fit beautifully in a size 12. The size 10 pants fit perfectly NOW – not just fit – but actually fit now. I bought both of those pieces and the size 8 pants too. Because, then, I can’t “under grow it”. It is something that I could wear to a meeting at school with a light knit sweater, mix up and wear with other separates, or wear with a silky blouse, as a dress up suit to a funeral. And the price was very good.

Then, yesterday, I had to go the Macy’s and buy underlayerings – because I am getting to the cold stage now. I did go through this before – the last time I lost. I couldn’t get warm yesterday – no matter what I did.

So, my husband went with me to help me look and consider. I tried lots on, to see what was comfortable and what laid nicely under clothes, what worked with my bras, what rubbed/cut against my underarm fat pockets, etc.

I spent over $100 on “sleeveless” undershirt type things and cami’s at Macy’s.

They are all in good colors with at least 3 that are plain white and two that are plain black. I bought 4 cami’s to put away for the middle child for Christmas – hers were on sale buy one, get one and an additional 10% off (total for her 4 - $19). Mine were all regular price – but what I liked was mostly $10 each – so that wasn’t bad.

In the van, on the way home – my husband asked what I had, right now, that was not going to fit by spring – one pair of jeans, one of the pants from the new gray suit, one pair of black pants and my one jeans skirt. (I may or may not need different bras. I am still in the 34DD on the loosest hook.) Everything else should still fit – sweaters, jackets, blouses, tops. I have been very careful, you see. I was pleased with my answer. I have spent some major money on clothes in the last few months - but have been very careful. What I have bought I LOVE, and pretty much everything goes with everything else.

So, next spring – when the last 15 lbs is off – I will need “bottoms” again – but have a base of great tops from which to build. I can't wait!