My therapist asked me what I wrote here today.
When I mentioned the Basics (like a caveman) thing,
she shared this diagram of "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" .

Arlene Said: "Hallo Vicky. How do you do it for so consistently and so very long? Tea with lemon only for such a long time. Healthy unprocessed foods? Totally amazing that you have built yourself up to be so strong. Was thinking over the weekend there has to be something about a strong spirit feeding off a strong body, so the one needs the other. I seem to be digging my grave with a knife and fork both in the thinking and the doing now consistently for a couple of years and showing it and really need to get out of it. And yes I KNOW, it is not as easy as it sounds. It is HELL DIFFICULT especially in the beginning when you have to learn to trust and believe in yourself, your thinking, your instincts.You mention you did exercising at 215 plus pounds for several months, were you eating a lot then of processed foods, or were you eating clean foods right from the time you started to exercise?"

I was NOT eating healthy/clean when I started exercising.

I had a dear friend who lost her husband very suddenly - went to work, police found him on side of road (in car), took him to hospital and he was brain dead by the next morning.

I called her a month or so after the funeral and asked how I could help HER.

She said that she wanted to go to Cur\/es but didn't want to go alone.

So, I went - nearly every day at the time we agreed. I stayed for an hour (instead of the half hour circuit) thinking that she might be running late.

I wasn't thinking about weight loss. I was supporting her. I did this for a LONG, LONG time (6 mos+) before I ever thought about food. I think that 6 months is what imprinted the daily exercise into my brain. Because I have been doing daily exercise pretty much ever since. And now, it is probably just as you say - circle of life - exercise and food and healthy mind.

At the end of that 6 months, running in place on one of the recovery stations at Cur\/es - I over heard a conversation between the owner and one of the customers about a nutrition class that was starting that night. On impulse I signed up and went. This class talked about portions, healthy eating, balanced eating. I got on the scale (215 lbs) sometime in the first couple weeks of that class and that was my "start". I followed suggestions for meal combinations out of the Cur\/es book for months.

About this same time I read an article on Passing for Thin (Frances Kuffel) in an old Oprah magazine, got it from the library and read it. This was my first glimpse into the fact that I was an addict. That I had eating disordered behavior. Whatever my weight was at that point (unknown) the core of me was the same as what I read there.

I found Frances' old blog on Amazon. I started reading. I read for a LONG time before I ever posted a note there. I met all kinds of wonderful bloggers there - and eventually started my own blog (here). Writing has helped me a LOT. I write every day. No one in my real life is interested in the things that I write here. If I didn't write them. I wouldn't think about them or get them out or perserve them. There is a LOT of me here, probably more of me here than in real life.

I asked Frances (author of Passing for Thin) for food guideline ideas and she introduced me to Kay Sheppard's web site. I do not follow Kay to the letter of her plan. I follow her in general. I have some things that she finds triggers that are not problems for me. But I follow the essence of Kay - I eat pretty clean. I eat at meal time. I eat balanced. I eat portions. I eat whole foods as close to their natural state as possible.

I stopped ingesting artificial sweeteners about 19 years ago - pregnant with my oldest. My doctor said that I shouldn't have it while pregnant or breast feeding. And that no one under the age of 16 should have it. I stopped pop at the same time that I stopped artificial sweetners. I started drinking herbal tea then. I drank more tea than water for many years. Now I just drink more water than tea.

I have had a few run ins with pop - a couple summers of getting stuck on orange or grape pop at the pool when it was REALLY hot. A once a week thing turned into a daily thing, etc.

I have to watch that - I imprint or pattern very easily. I have learned to take advantage of the repeat, habit thing. Believe it or not - I can get into the groove of spinach or oatmeal the same way that I get into the groove of orange pop.

It takes time.

I have been watching You Are What You Eat on BBC America for a couple weeks. I cried through the first several shows that I watched. Even though I am pretty far beyond that type of eating. I still cried.

After I toughened up my skin and was able to WATCH the show instead of FEEL the show, I thought about a lot of things. At first I thought it was HARDER on the show's guests - because Jullian doesn't use baby steps. She pitches everything out and they start over - pretty much on one day. She doesn't do baby steps. This is a lot like the show The Biggest Loser - they are tossed in - no baby steps there either.

All that I have done has felt like baby steps to me. But, I suppose the food has been more abrupt than I realized. The day at the doctor's office was the end of pop. And the night of my nutrition class was a bit of a jolt, abrupt change. I have fine tuned and worked on things ever since, but the major FOOD changes occurred pretty fast. The rest of it - has been baby steps - bills, mail, phone, showering, coping, writing, etc.

If I had to pick ONE thing - it is the eating only at meal times - that made a huge difference. In the beginning I was eating 6 small meals per day. Now I eat 3 - with breakfast and lunch being large and dinner small.

I do not have a wonderful support system - in many ways - even though I live with 4 other very nice people (husband + 3 kids) and have my mother a few blocks away. So, if you happen to be single and sit there and think - if only I wasn't single - it would be different - please remember - it surely would be DIFFERENT - but it might not be BETTER.

Sometimes an angel puts help in your path - but it is you that has to take the step toward whatever IT might be.

In the end - it is you - in your own body and your own mind. The only help that you find is the help that you find for yourself. There is no magic day where something like the lottery steps in and changes everything. I think that most of US did not feel taken care of as children. I think that we are still waiting for the magic to happen. And frankly - it is just not.

Since I have kids - I see that a LOT in myself. I see that I am lacking in a lot of key areas. And frankly - I have stopped looking for "normal" and trying to BE normal. Cindy calls it "I Surrender" - and I suppose that fits into Kay and the overeater concept.

I think of it as lowering my expectations (down to about caveman level). Survival for me is down to the very basics - I focus on food, exercise, sleep, water, staying stress free as possible, and taking care of my kids. Period. And, I probably do it in that same order - because if I don't take care of the absolute bare essentials for myself - I can't take care of anyone else.

And I totally recognize that I am an addict. I have eating disordered behavior. Salt and sugar are triggers. Processed food that is too fast and too easy are triggers. I take comfort in this. I would not be mad at myself or think worse of myself if I had MS or or arthritis or some other disease. This is a disease to me. Not human failings.

Food is fuel for a healthy body and mind. It is not a party. It is not entertainment. It is real life.

And Arlene and anyone else reading this - (major) hugs.