Quite a rambling story with way too much information, but it felt better once I wrote it all out, so I left it as is

FRIDAY:
I am ON for this coming Tuesday.

I called and left a good message for the scheduler - telling her just what I wanted to convey and urging her to talk to the doctor directly and let him decide - whether to go for this Tuesday or try to hit a better time down the road.

He is gone when my cycle is likely to hit next month.
I seem to bleed a little longer each time.
Polyp isn't going to get better/smaller on its own.
I have already been going through this for years now.

Since I am right in the middle of this cycle - he decided to just get it done now.

Otherwise it will be several months from now - and I remember Sharla - they waited so long (insurance, managed care) that she was bleeding too heavily (all the time) and it was too late for ablation and she had hysterectomy.

I am not quite sure what to think about all this.

I don't feel powerless - because I totally realize that I have the ability to say NO. But I doubt that I will (say no, I think I'll go ahead in the end). But there is something to be said about having the power to say no - even if you don't.

It might turn out once they get IN there that sooner was better than later. I have very little recovery time with (simple/vagional)ablation and D&C. Little recovery time is better to keep me EVEN. If we wait - I might have a much bigger mess.

I don't think I am upset about surgery. But, it might be that "I have to be a little upset about something" - so timing is IT. I think part of it is just my leftover feelings about OBGYN's and having to fit into their schedule and their system.

VERY BAD FOOD DAY FRIDAY/YESTERDAY.

Things that I normally would "turn up my nose".

I ate my usual breakfast. I ate a big salad with chick peas mixed in and baked Tilapia on the side (Friday). I was very sick in one huge gush of major cramps and diarrhea in the middle of the afternoon - but felt fine soon after. It was one of those "purge and done" kind of feelings.

My son ate the same fish - so it was probably something about the salad - but had eaten the same salad makings the previous day. Or nerves.

BUT, since I wasn't sure if I was sick or if it was just something I ate - I had this feeling of - eat what you want - it will probably run right through you. Also - if you are sick - then it is out of your hands and you might have to postpone surgery this Tuesday. Also, this is a way to tell if you are sick or not - if you eat junk and are fine - you are not sick.

Small serving of full fat ice cream (but still about 250 calories and major fat), 3 pieces of pizza and 8 oven fish sticks later, I was still fine and not sick. . .sigh.

SATURDAY:
This has been a very UN EVEN week.

No yoga or free weights on Wednesday - snow.

I didn't make it to yoga on Thursday - field trip crisis.

Friday - when I walked in the door to drop papers off in school office (busy with my school volunteer stuff right now) I was needed for several things - so I didn't make it to free weights, but did make it to yoga.

So, I have today (Saturday) Pilates and yoga, and
Monday free weights and yoga left.

Do I think - up and at 'em???

No, I think, since I am going to miss almost all of next week anyway - what is the point.

When I got to Yoga yesterday - I watched the end of free weights and they had a conga line going with lunges. I felt like a newbie. I felt like since I missed two classes last week, even though no one else had class on Wednesday either because of snow, that I was totally out of it. It was the dream where you haven't been to class all semester and you are there for the final - feeling. A lost feeling. A sinking feeling.

I know myself. I will have to drag myself in today. I will have to drag myself in on Monday for free weights and yoga.

SUNDAY:
We are going to an out of state university open house on Sunday - my husband, the oldest and I. It is the school where the oldest is likely to go. Oldest and I have been there already. Husband has not been to any of them (yet) because we usually go during the week when he is working.

Sunday will be a blur.


MONDAY:
Monday is always a busy day with exercise in the morning - dash home to change and then therapy and then errands and then girls/after school stuff.

I have a project for school that it would be helpful to have done before Tuesday. I enjoy the analytical-ness of my school volunteer jobs. This one is updating the sign up mailer for all the volunteer jobs during the school year. If I got the first copy out for review - it would be moving itself forward, while I am not moving.

Yes, part of me is SO looking forward to not having to do a thing. Being more of a bum than usual. Remember if I am not busy - I am burrowing in my bed.

But I already know how hard it will be to get myself going again on the other side after recovery.

It will be like I have never taken a shower or worn clothes.

It will be like I have never done a moment of exercise.

It will be like the first day of yoga and the first day of Pilates and the first day of free weights.

How I did this after three months down with sinus surgery (winter of 2005) - I don't know.

How I ever started (after never really having done anything) in the beginning - is still a blur.

The nothingness will feel EVEN. It will be hard to transfer that feeling into movement feeling EVEN.

I have been trying hard to develop an interest in something, anything again - without having it be eating for recreation or spending $$$ for recreation.

I have been trying to find moderation in all things. And to stay centered without being self-centered.

These are hard things for me.