One kid less

Nephew left yesterday (Thursday). I was not upset at sending him home this year. It did not feel like abandoning him.***

Drove over to meet my brother so that he didn't have to make the whole trip (both directions).

The difference between last summer and this summer - in my brother and nephew - is tremendous. Last year - the mother/wife leaving was still a raw, open wound. Enough time has passed so that life is now normal without her.

And to her credit - she has made things as easy as she could - if you accept her leaving as a 'given'.

When she sees them, she goes to the kids/my brother's house. So the kids are not torn between two worlds. They always sleep in their own beds. Understand that this does not mean that my brother has to deal with her all the time - he works full time. He has weekends when he works and works later night weeks once a month. She can be there - with the kids - without being in my brother's face. And she doesn't do much with the kids - so when she runs over for lunch or dinner on occasion, my brother feels glad that the kids have seen her, not invaded.

When my brother is gone (like a business trip) she comes to the house and stays. If both kids and my brother are gone - she stops by the house to take care of the dogs several times each day. If this confuses you - they are HER dogs - there are three of them. She left them when she moved out. She pays support for the dogs just like the kids.

When she phones - she talks to the kids about what they are doing. The whole conversation is about them - she pays attention and has interest.

She is not squabbling about paying what she is supposed to pay - and she pays it on time - child support, dog support, contributing to kids' college funds, paying half of all extra activities for the kids.

She is not dragging the kids through whatever is going on in her personal life. If she is dating - they don't see it - they don't have to deal with it. And this IS what some experts suggest. It makes sense to keep the kids and the boyfriends separate until the boyfriends become a permanent addition. And even then the boyfriends stay "mom's thing" and do not parent her children. The primary relationship stays mother and children - not "look at our whole big new family how wonderful". Everyone is not equal. The parents and their children DO have a special relationship. The extra relationships should be positive and friendly. But the "primary" kids should get special, individualized, positive attention from their own parent.

Remember these kids are old enough to remember her living with them and old enough to remember she left. All of that is painful enough - if she were openly dating (or dating someone with kids of their own) that would be even more painful for my niece and nephew. It would be like she made a choice and first choice was NOT them.

And I give her credit for all of this - she is a self centered person by nature. She is not a nurturer by nature. She is not doing much (time wise) but at least what she is doing - she is doing well - and for the kids' best interest and not her own.

So, they are doing better - and therefore I was able to let go of my nephew more easily. We are quite different from his family - but he fits in well when he is here. And somewhere in the back of my mind - I am always ready for these two kids to live with us. My kids are 18, 14, 10. My niece is 15 turning 16 this year. My nephew is 12. So the kids are all intertwined (18, 16, 14, 12, 10) in my mind - all two years apart. I am not afraid of having two additional kids - even thought that would mean I had a LOT of teenage years to 'cope'. I don't think it will happen. But if it does - it would be okay. We would love them, take care of them and do the best we could for them.


***brother and nephew leave for the east coast on Saturday (tomorrow) for a week's boy scout camping (on the beach/ocean). It is a large troop - they have 52 boys and 25 adults attending. VERY FUN. And this did give ME a moment's pause - because X-SIL is supposed to pick niece up from her 3 week camp, take her home and stay at the house all next week.

It felt weird to ME to have my brother on a bus headed toward the east coast while my niece is north of me - at camp. I did ask my mom if X-SIL really would pick up her daughter and take care of her all next week. My mom thought it would be fine. And said - if the worst happens and she doesn't. Then you (Vickie) will just drive up and get niece and she'll be here with us all week until brother/nephew get home from the east coast. The worst case scenario isn't terrible. My niece would have her feelings hurt. But we would be here for her.

And my mom didn't pooh-pooh my uneasiness over this. She acknowledged that it was possible. She didn't think it would happen - but if it did - here's the plan and it wasn't so terrible. I have to work on my husband about this. He has a tendency to see the glass as 3/4 full when it is actually half full - and that feels like pooh-poohing to me.