Washing Food

ADDED LATER:
Arlene found an article on washing foods in a mix of Clorox and water (read the comments attached to this posting). I called Clorox. I called the number on the back of a Clorox bottle and then followed the options until I was connected with a "real" person. She said that it is indeed safe - but the information they recommend is different than what Arlene found in her book reference. They suggest one tablespoon per each one gallon of water. They suggest swishing/soaking for TWO minutes and then rinsing thoroughly. The two minute recommendation is for all fruit and veggies (including lettuce leaves) so that they are disinfected - but do not absorb. This makes sense to me.

Arleen asked how I buy/wash my veggies.

I have four colanders - all different sizes with different size holes. I run them through the dishwasher after each use - so if I do end up with something contaminated, it doesn't spread to other foods.

My "whole" fruits and veggies - like apples, beets, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, bananas, cauliflower, carrots, celery - I wash with soap and water. We wash as we eat it - not when it comes in the door from the store.

I use my hands as the "brush" - again because of cross contamination. I am someone that never uses brushes or sponges (because you don't know what might be growing in there).

I use my hand washing soap to wash fruits and veggies. It is "Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps 18-in-1 Hemp Peppermint Pure Castile Soap".

This soap is NOT anti-bacterial. I buy it in bulk through the local health food stores. The cost will shock even the most seasoned shopper - it is about $50 a gallon - but a gallon lasts for a VERY long time - years. I add a small amount of soap concentrate to water and put it in foaming soap dispensers (from Pampered Chef).

If you are buying an expensive soap concentrate - I suggest getting a small sample to try - to be sure you don't have an allergy or reaction to it - before investing in a gallon.

Spinach, cabbage, lettuce - I buy in different forms - sometimes bagged, sometimes not. Usually organic, but not always. Regardless of whether or not the package says "prewashed" - I still wash. If the leaves are tiny - I rinse with just water in a colander. If the leaves are larger - I wash each one with (my hands and) soap. I rinse well.

One I "start" a bagged product - such as lettuce - I use the whole thing pretty quickly. I don't mind re-runs. I am perfectly happy to eat salad (for example) several meals in a row. Small clusters of tied lettuce or spinach or cabbage make it easier to have less left overs. I use cabbage in a steamed form to "contain" other foods - think eggroll or taco - so a clump can go very quickly - as a roll and then a salad.

Yes, my cooked spinach usually starts out raw - I don't use frozen very often. And when I do use frozen - it is not the square/solid block - it is flash frozen loose in a bag.

I have a friend that "soaks" brocoli in salt water before eating. It is an old habit from her Irish mother - to get rid of any hidden bugs. There is merit in soaking it - brocoli is hard to wash. Water just sort of sprays off of the florets. But I don't know about the salt. I don't do it.

I am very careful to wash squash/melons - with a LOT of soap - before they touch my cutting board or I put a knife through them. If a knife runs through an unwashed squash/melon - it drags things from the skin on through to the part you are eating.

My cutting boards are all the heavy plastic kind that can go through the dishwasher - and mine do. If I am cutting a lot of things at once - I personally put a paper towel down in between each one.

I also change knives and tongs in cooking. We keep a "raw" tong for turning meat and then another tong for the "done" pieces. Same with knives. This is because we are usually cooking lots of meat - one type at a time in the George Foreman.

You absolutely do not have to be "trained" to wash and cook raw food. Don't be afraid of it. You just start out with one thing, conquer it and then move on to another.

Really good salad yesterday - fresh spinach leaves, cherry tomatoes, cooked asparagus, mushrooms, onions, walnuts, few crumbles of feta cheese. No dressing - it didn't need it. I think fresh sliced pears would have been nice with it too.

Cleaned out the accumulation under my night stand - dusty mess.

Hope to work on upper shelves in my clothes closet today.

Still not allowed in bath tub - due to uterine surgery (3/11/08). FINALLY, the urge to get in the tub is going away. I was spending a lot of time in the tub without realizing it. This is not bad - I had just not realized that was a good coping mechanism that I (evidently) use on a very regular basis.

I stopped taking ibuprofen - just in case I need an emergency epidural while I am in process on the physical therapy. Can't have ibuprofen for a week before an epidural.

Again, I had not realized how often I was turning to that as a means of controlling the pain.

I was not paying real attention to the pain. Now I have to pay attention because I have to rate pain on a scale of 1-10 and be able to point out the exact location of the pain on my back. Paying attention has really 'brought home' how much I hurt. Has been hard to wrap my mind around this.

Right now my pain is a rectangle on my lower back. The goal is to centralize it - so that it becomes a "line" on my back (spine) and then goes away. I am to work the exercises in a certain order - with bringing the pain "in" line as the goal. Interesting.

I am not ruminating. I have NOT been sitting here thinking "if I had gone in 7 years ago" or "if I had gone in last year" at all. They have no idea when the disc itself 'came out' - it might have just happened on 3/11/078 with surgery positioning - or 7 years ago lifting 90 lb bags of sand (I didn't know they were 90 pounds). I have been able to let go of all of that.

Trying to teach myself to sleep on tummy. Dreaming of a massage table like bed - with "hole" for face and indentations for breasts. Can one teach them self to sleep in different position? Don't know.

This was added to several times on Saturday as my mind kept wrapping around the concepts - if read early on Saturday, feel free to read it again

Beula asked if I thought sugar made me want more sugar.

I think of salt and sugar as the same category.

I totally get the idea of sugar induced daze. I understand that concept and think that it is true.

I also believe there is chemical addiction to sugar and salt.

But more and more I am understanding how taste buds come into play. Personally, I think of it as education of my taste buds.

And when I listen carefully, I hear Dr Oz and Gillian McKeith and others talk about this same thing.

My opinion is that taste buds develop/get used to whatever they are given.

So, if they are fed high salt or high sugar - that is what they expect to taste. And in my opinion, that is the only thing they taste.

I personally think of "high" salt or sugar as anything where salt or sugar has been added. I only think of naturally occurring salt or sugar as regular levels. So, if salt or sugar (and all their forms) are listed in the ingredients, then that is high salt or sugar (for me). There are VERY few of these things that I personally eat. And, No, I do not have salt or sugar (loose, bulk) in my house.

Pretty much what I consider food (for me) is the type of food that has one ingredient - like fresh veggies. Yes, I do eat some processed - like plain yogurt and cottage cheese - but not many.

When I watch Gillian McKeith's show - I have to fast forward through the table of what they have been eating - because it truly makes me sick. There is no appeal in anything like that at all. It would be like watching someone eat bugs - or poison - in my mind. Non-food.

In my opinion, speaking for myself only, if taste buds are given salted food regularly - then when non-salted food is introduced, they don't know how to 'taste' the regular food. The food tastes bland - because the taste buds are "immature" or "not sensitive". The taste buds are used to not having to 'work' at tasting - they are used to being blasted.

You will hear people talk about eating healthy/whole foods as strict or rigid. You will hear people refer to this type of food as bland.

This cracks me up - because - using Gillian McKeith as an example - her table of suggestions of what TO eat - is loaded with options. The combinations are nearly endless. And if you look at those examples of what people were previously eating - it is usually the same things - over and over. Really no variety at all.

In my opinion, if taste buds are accustom to processed food - it takes WEEKS to "educate them" and make them sensitive enough to taste/work again.

Many people don't stick with "it" long enough to have their taste buds "kick in". So they never get past the bland phase.

I don't float back and forth between (what I think of as) processed and (what I think of as) healthy.

One, I don't want to have to keep track of my nutrition. And if I ate a lot of processed, I would have to track it - because I would not be able to tell how balanced I was.

And Two, I don't want to confuse my taste buds.

So there is a very clear line in my mind between what I think of as food and non-food.

And believe it or not - I crave things like steamed beets, asparagus. Tomatoes and peppers. Raspberries and strawberries. A really good multi veggie salad. Etc. These are the things that I eat every day. My rotation of food happens automatically - because I get hungry for THESE different things. But these things are all what I consider FOOD. And it is truly freeing to not have to calculate or track.

But it took a lot of time tracking and figuring out nutrition - before I came to this.

I too am watching the "I Can Make You Thin" series with interest. I think there is a lot of merit to what he says.

When he asks what "food" they want to eat and they say pizza, macaroni and cheese, etc. I don't condemn the philosophy - but nor do I think this is food.

I understand that this is the start of a process. First to learn to eat smaller amounts of pizza and macaroni and cheese. Then perhaps to eat a healthier pizza and macaroni and cheese. Then perhaps to move on to different whole food variations of pizza and macaroni and cheese. I think this is a path.

I absolutely do not think of myself as abstinent - I never have. I think of myself as eating whole foods, as close to their natural state as possible.

I feel better if I eat this way. I can tell a difference if I vary and do not eat a balance between food groups.

I noticed this on The Biggest Loser last Tuesday.

Mark ate an orange and thought of it as a carb. I understand this - I think of fruit as a form of carb too. But when Mark ran out of "legs" while running - Bob reminded him that an orange was not a substitute for a complex carb. And that is what he needed to run.

If I eat non-food, not only do I have low energy, but I don't feel good in general. I start to have headaches, I get "stopped up", I ache, I have problems with night sweats, And yes, then I get in the never ending cycle of wanting more non-food. Chemical? Habit? Taste buds? Probably all three.

They say that babies will refuse things that make them feel bad and that adults will crave it.

The example often given is allergies - people with milk or wheat or soy (I think those are the top three allergy food groups) allergies will crave those foods. It is a never ending loop. Eat food, feel bad, eat more food trying to feel better, feel worse, and loop back through the cycle.

We all only eat about 20 foods in a year long loop. I have never counted, but would guess that I eat more variety than that - because I work my way through pretty much the whole produce department.

But none of us (current day) eat the 200+ foods that our ancestors used to when they ate by the season and the hunt. If you are eating 200+ varieties- please write - I would love to hear from you.

I think of how mature our anchesters' taste buds would have been. Think of their variety. They just had to work really hard to hunt and gather.

But those eras of no-refrigeration are what started this whole thing - because salt and sugar were used to disguise the taste of spoiling food. And when I think of salt and sugar - that is what I think of - non-refrigeration and disguising the taste of spoiling food.

And remember - this did not happen for me - overnight. It was a steady process. Much like the lady with pizza and macaroni/cheese. I just happened to start out with nutritional balance. I didn't plan it that way - it was because I started with a nutrition class and evolved from there.

The real eye opener for me was when I started to look at my ratio of carbs-protein-fats in addition to nutrition and in addition to my calorie count. I (really) realized the importance of staying balanced. Then I looked for the simplest way of staying balanced. Eating evenly from the food groups was IT for me. I like simple.

I think we all go through sets of things - protein bars and protein shakes - what we "count" - nutrition - healthier options - etc. We each have our own evolution. There is no one right path. But I suspect that all the different paths lead in the same general direction.

I think the hardest part is
"not fixing it, if it isn't broken" and
moving on if it isn't working.

It is so easy to get stuck.

Getting stuck in a habit can be good - if it is healthy and getting us results.

Getting stuck in something that is not healthy and making us unhappy - is so hard.

My FOOD is a big part of making me feel EVEN. My food is very easy and very mindless. Because it is automatic and balanced. But that is me - Where I am in my own evolution. I didn't start out and jump to this place. I had to walk there - baby steps.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. My husband and mother remembered to tell me "happy birthday". Son remembered this morning - day late. Girls didn't think of it and I didn't remind them - because I didn't want them to fuss (bug me).

Middle child had orthdontia and bead class yesterday - which my mom "did". Youngest was renamed Grumpette for the day - too many sleep overs (in a row) for her.

I never got dressed - never made it out - very bad weather - alternated rain and sleet - was afraid of falling. I have enough wrong with me - didn't need an unexpected fall!!! So, yes, my mother was out - but I stayed in. . .

Will do feet another day.

Very interesting things I am learning with PT.

I stopped watching TV for nearly a year. Cold turkey - no TV at all. When I started watching again, I taped (VCR) anything that I wanted to watch. That way I could watch on my own time - not on the TV's schedule.

Now I watch TV on a tivo type system where I totally avoid commercials. I record to watch at a later date. Or if watching in "real time" - I avoid the commercials by delaying my start. If a show starts at 4pm, I start watching about 4:20pm. I "blink" through the commercials by fast forwarding one minute at a time. So, I am not even watching the commercials in a fast mode - they are just GONE.

This week - doing my physical therapy work - I have (often) been watching TV in normal time - which includes commercials.

I have watched a lot of HGTV - because when they say "WOW - look at the difference in that bathroom, I never would have believed it!" I can push and hold myself up in the worst of the exercises without thinking a thing about it.

But I have figured something out (for me anyway).

I think a HUGE problem with eating and TV watching is the commercials. I would have guessed that it was the food IN the commercials - but I don't think it is - I think it is the downtime.

As I have noticed that the "time out" is what creates the urge to eat.

I only eat at meal time. I only eat meals. I have been doing this for long enough that I don't really "think" about not eating at meal time.

When I am doing my exercises - I don't think about eating - at all - (because nothing would stay down with the backwards bending of the exercises anyway). So, the commercials don't have a big impact.

But when I am done - if I stay watching TV in "real time" those commercials breaks - break my attention - it is like a mental release (where I want to go do something).

If the something is throwing a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer or loading and starting the dishwasher - that is great. But if it is running to the refrigerator for a "look see" that is not so good.

If you happen to think this is true for you too - think of me (and) - do "floor exercises" of some type at each commercial break. . .

Happy
Birthday
To
Me.

I think there are several people that have starting dates or goal dates that just happen to have their anniversaries today - it always makes me wonder what they are thinking (on this day).

My big birthday plan was to get my cut, highlights and brow waxing today - but she called and asked to switch to Tuesday - so, now, no big plans.

My husband is out of town.

Oldest is in the middle of writing a big paper.

Girls are moving from house to house with friends (sleep over at one house, regroup and sleep over at another house, and so on).

They were all here last night.

I went to bed at ten and when I got up they had made spaghetti and spice cake (I could tell by the dirty dishes in the sink). Seems like an odd combination, but they must have been pretty quiet - because I never heard a thing.

Thinking about going and having my feet "done" today.

Middle child has orthodontia appointment and is taking a bead class - but my mother volunteered to take her to both - so I have a pretty free schedule.

Physical Therapy yesterday - she added more exercises. All of the new ones focus on moving my shoulder blades closer together and down my back.

Think of a Pilate's tape - where all the moves are based on being on your back and doing various forms of lifts and crunches. Then picture rolling over on your belly and doing them same moves in reverse. Those are the new exercises.

I can tell that I REALLY need all of this - because I am a weak wimp - have to use 1 pound weights and they feel like 10 pounds in these "reverse" positions.

She "let" me on the treadmill for 15 minutes at level 4. It felt GREAT. I am to use flat (I think forever more) as a hill/incline makes one hunch forward. With the treadmill bed very flat - I can really open my chest as I go.

Not finding the physical therapy exercises hard. (However, every time I turn around - it is time to do them again!) Finding life on my tummy propped up on my elbows very hard indeed. Taking my yoga block and blankets into physical therapy today to see if she can help me figure out how to help/prop myself a little. Puts a lot of strain on my shoulders to hold myself up. It might be because gravity is working against me on my tummy. In the other back bending positions - gravity helps.

Went in to get highlights and cut yesterday afternoon. I stopped plucking my eyebrows 3+ weeks ago in preparation for waxing. Anyone out there that waxes on a regular basis - do you pluck the stragglers in between waxes? And if you do - how do you avoid the endless loop of plucking too much and then never having the "right time" to wax?

Lower back.

This is going to start out as if it is a sad post - but keep reading - because it is not.

I cried my way through Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday (Monday was much better).

Recap for anyone just joining me or that has been gone on spring break: uterine surgery on 3/11/08. Did great with the surgery, but SEVERE back pain post surgery. I have had back pain for 7 years. I was not SEEN for it until 3/17/08. I saw non-surgical ortho guy. Who sent me for an MRI on 3/19/08. I saw him for the results on 3/24. That appointment was the cause of all the tears.

I had been operating on the premise (for 7 years) that I had a weak back and that my pain was all soft tissue. And that might be. But I found out last Friday that I have a DISC problem.

This caught me totally by surprise.

During that awful Friday appointment, I was walked down a hall and scheduled for a epidural steroid this coming Friday ( 3/28/08). I was written a slip for physical therapy. I was told my file would be sent to an orthopedic surgeon to review for future needs.

I was also told that I could not exercise in any way what so ever. No yoga. No weights. No power walking. No swimming. Nothing. I was to wait for instructions from the physical therapist. I was to have the epidural. Period.

I stared at the back of my eyelids and cried - a LOT.

I did not feel empowered. I did not feel like I had any control over my own life or body. I did not feel EVEN. And all this totally took me by surprise. Not much takes me by surprise.

My regular therapy appointment (Monday 3/24/08) helped a lot.

I then went to physical therapy (Monday 3/24/08) and that opened my eyes - WIDE.

There is a saying in yoga that all the poses that you hate - are the ones that you need the most. This is physical therapy.

All the back bending poses (from yoga - that I always sort of half did because they hurt my lower back) are what my back needs to strengthen and correct my disc nonalignment.

I didn't know this was even possible.

I am picturing a garden hose with a slit in it and a marble half out. Physical therapy is pushing that marble back in place. Physical therapy is what will strengthen the hose so that slit closes and they marble can't pop back out of place.

Coming off of 2 full weeks of no exercise - I was never so glad to do all those icky back bending type poses. She could have beaten me between poses and I wouldn't have cared at all. She kept asking me how I was doing. I kept giving her - BRING IT ON - type answers.

And my physical therapy list is nothing but icky back bending poses. I do the whole list 4 times a day and I am allowed/able to take a short (easy, not power) walk after each of them. This is like having a part time job. A really great part time job. She had to make me take an oath that I would ONLY do the list 4 times a day.

I will be doing this routine (and only this routine - NO yoga or other exercise) for at least a month and maybe two. She thinks that I will be able to go back to my regular classes after physical therapy. I think I will not only go back - but will kick butt when I go back. I am expecting to have muscles and strength and flexibility like I have never had before.

After meeting with the physical therapist, I went back in to talk to ortho doctor's nurse and said that I wanted to cancel the epidural and just do therapy and see what happens.

The epidural is very painful and then is suppose to reduce or eliminate the pain (and swelling) in the long run.

I personally NEED the pain in order to do the physical therapy.

The pain is my barometer of how I am working, if I am working the right place. I have to work through the pain (in my own mind) to DO the physical therapy. Take the pain away - I am a ship without a rudder. I would also be afraid of hurting myself because I didn't have the pain to guide me.

The nurse/doc understood this. I might be the only person that has ever gone in and said - don't take my pain away - but they understood. My epidural is cancelled. My physical therapy is increased from 2x per week to 3x per week.

In yoga - when you do one kind of move - like a back bending type position - then you do the opposite move to balance. So if you do a back bend - then you do something that curls you up in a ball to recenter your back. Not in this physical therapy - I am doing ALL back bend types of exercises and cannot do the opposing at all. I can't do anything that curls me. I am even to watch TV on my tummy (like a little kid).

My tummy will be getting strengthened in this process. Because my weak tummy and the tightness in the back of my thighs are adding to my lower back problem.

Physical therapy (for me) is exactly like working with a personal trainer. A hard physical trainer that only lets you do the ucky stuff. In the one hour we worked yesterday - I had sweat dripping down my back. My palms were soaked.

If this doesn't work and I end up needing surgery. It won't bother me. I will have at least TRIED. I will find empowerment in the process. And I am a REALLY good candidate for moving a disc back in place through physical therapy. I am not sure it will work/happen, but I am a good candidate - I believe it is possible.

I finally dealt with my PJ's.

I have been wearing the same flannel PJ's (Dick Van Dyke style where the top buttons up the front) since my "fat days". I had taken in the pants many, many times - sewing right up the sides. They were still hopelessly big. One pair was XL and the other was XXL.

I felt awful in them. I felt even worse if I looked in the mirror.

On Saturday, youngest and husband and I went PJ shopping at Target.

My requirements - long sleeved, long enough top that "air" doesn't "get me" between top and bottom. And something that didn't depress me - if I happened to catch a glance/glimpse in the mirror.

My husband ended up finding a good choice - on the clearance rack. All the new merchandise was short sleeved or sleeveless.

Soft knit tops are long sleeved and hug the body. The top goes past my butt and stays down easily. All have thin stripes - one in green, one in pink and one in dark blue. All the same style.

We found bottoms on another rack that are made like thin, knit sweats. Bought one style in gray and another in black.

As much as I knew the XL and the XXL at home were WAY too big. It was hard to buy smaller sizes. I think this is because I was used to cotton - that doesn't give very much. Even though I was swimming in the larger sizes - I could imagine cotton binding in shoulders and elbows in the smaller sizes. The knit is much more comfortable.

I have been wearing the medium bottoms for two days - but think that I might need the smalls. Very baggy in the butt and thighs. Medium top fits perfectly - no air "gets me".

I have finally (almost) gotten used to seeing myself in them (in the mirror). I told my husband at Target (before I even tried them on) that I was going to think "plastic surgeon" every time I saw myself in them. I did for the first day. Breasts are down to my belly button. . .Getting used to it now.

PS - if you are just coming back from Spring Break - welcome home - we all missed you. If you are just heading out - have a great time.

have a great easter

Husband told me all week that he had Easter Basket candy - not to worry. He got it out last night and I told him he was a bad bunny - it was regular candy - nothing special.

Put my trench on over my PJ's and went with him to Walgreens. I can't remember if I have said this other years - my method of buying stocking or basket candy:

I do not buy ANY bulk packages. I buy all individually wrapped things. I buy either individual packages or packages where each thing is wrapped individually and evenly divisible by 3.

So, I might buy 3 individual things that are the same.

Or I might buy a package of 6 so each child gets 2.

Or I might buy three packages of 2 per package, etc.

So, when the bunny is done filling - there isn't one stray candy floating around looking for a "friend".

This year's selections (so you don't think my kids are deprived):
roll of sweetartes, roll of life savers, Reese's Peanut butter egg, Butterfingers egg, marshmallow covered in dark chocolate egg, hollow chocolate egg, small package of regular potato chips, small package of Doritos, package with 5 Peeps. Coupon for a turtle ice cream sundae.

In addition to candy - girls each got lip gloss and body lotion and a darling Easter dress and shoes for their American Girl doll (I have a friend that makes them for me). Son got a BIG blue striped towel to take to college as his shower towel and new pillow cases for college.

Our Easter dinner:
fresh (cooked) green beans
fresh (cooked) asparagus
salad bar (make your own) with Romain lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, mushrooms, broccoli, cauliflower, strawberries, cantaloupe.
baked white potato and baked sweet potato
ham (in the crock pot) and skin/boneless chicken breasts on the grill
lemon cake

Era is coming to an end. Oldest gave one month's notice on his morning paper route this morning. Our last day should be on or about 4/27/08. I know from past experience that this last month will seem like three - the time will pass very slowly.

Weather was horrible this morning - ice/rain - everything was very slick.

We have three streets of elderly people in villas. So, on icy mornings - every paper on these three streets must be up against the garage doors so they don't have to step on ice (to retrieve paper).

It was so icy that he had to get out on a lot of "regular" driveways - he would throw the paper and it would go off into the yard (skating on the ice). He then had to hop out, retrieve it and throw it back up the drive.

Some steep driveways, the paper slid right back down - into the street - repeatedly.

Makes for a very long morning.

We started paper routes with two small porch routes the year he started 7th grade. He is approaching the end of his 12th grade year. We have switched routes several times. Our current route we have had for 3 years - it is the neighborhood where we live.

He will be heading off to college the middle of August. We are both tired of middle of the night papers. We figure it will take him several months to adjust his sleep cycle. We have two graduations in May (oldest from 12th and middle child from 8th) both are full ceremonies with all the trimmings. It bothers both of us to throw in the heat. We deal with the cold much better. I was just not up for another summer. It will also help me transition to having this child "gone" next year.

IDEAS ANY ONE??? We have a major collection of art work (on oversized paper) from the girls - lots. I want to take it in and have it reduced and copied in color - to make "stickers" for their scrapbooks. I have done this before - and it is darling - to take something that is huge and shrink it down to a few inches - just darling. Then they still "have it" and can "keep it" (and we get rid of the originals) in their scrapbook. The last time I did this - I did it on colored copier - but that meant ONE tiny "sticker" on each color copy. Is there a way to scan these in and print a whole bunch on each page? I have color copier hooked up to computer at home - but my flat bed is not big enough to handle the oversized papers. So I need to go to office supply store or copy store where they have the big flat beds. Do you know if they can now scan and collect several on each page? Other Ideas???

Today's post:

I am not sure how I missed this - but my mother has been having major problems finding clothes - evidently for years now.

Before my surgery - she mentioned that she wanted me to go shopping with her when I was up and around again. I had nothing going on yesterday, and the oldest was available to pick up the girls from school, so mom and I ran to the mall.

I asked what departments she liked at Macy's (that's where she said she wanted to go) and

she said:
"I wander around the whole women's floor, I can't find anything, I can't find anyone to help me, I shed a few tears, I give up and go home with nothing."

GOOD HEAVENS!

I asked her if she had ever checked out the petites department (she is 5'4" and about 120 pounds) and she didn't even know where it was.

So, I said:
If you don't have a plan, then we'll hit the petites department. We'll walk the whole department picking up anything that interests you in two sizes each. Then we will take everything into a large dressing room. You will only have to strip once and try everything on and if neither of the two sizes work, then I'll run for the alternate sizes.

She spent a total of $165 (sale prices and then an additional 20% off everything coupon) and got:
a black knit jacket, a khaki jacket, a denim jacket, a white blouse, a pink striped blouse, a peach flowered blouse with a Cami under it, and a solid aqua knit twin set (sleeveless top with a cardigan).

In some things she needed the smaller size and in some things she needed the bigger size (of the two we picked up of each item).

Everything was darling. She was thrilled.

We were in Macy's for 45 minutes total and that included her shopping, buying two knit shirts for her husband and returning my excess shorts from the day before(of the 8 pairs I took home to try - I kept 4 and returned 4 - $90 total for my 4 keepers). Give me a several more hours and I could have found her whole wardrobe including underwear and shoes.

Hopefully she now GETS it. She absolutely could now do the same thing - and now she knows where the petites department IS. That was half the battle.

This is exactly how I shop at Christopher and Banks - a couple times a year. I take my husband with me. I "tour" the sale racks picking up anything that is a possibility in two sizes. My husband puts it all in the dressing room as I pull. I try on - handing him the rejects over the door - or sending him for other sizes. We are in and out in less than an hour and I try on LOTS.

I found two white blouses (for me) at Christopher and Banks - yesterday - one cotton and one "slippery" - both had major darts and fit bust well without looking like maternity. $29 each. These are the first things that I have ever bought full price there. Normally I shop from sale racks and often have a coupon for extra savings. Their sale racks are normally brimming/overflowing.

When I walked in the door at Christopher and Banks - I asked for white blouses, short or 3/4 sleeve that accommodated large bust - they had three for me to try. I didn't waste time wandering around - we were tired by then.

It was good to "show" my mom how to "work" this store too - because they really know their merchandise and help each shopper. They are on line now - so if I find something and they don't have the right size - they can order it for me.


PS - did you notice that spellcheck is up and running again? It might have been for a long time - but I just noticed today.

I stopped by Macy's yesterday because it was a huge sale - bought (8 pairs, 4 styles in two sizes each) shorts to bring home and try. They were regularly $40, were on sale for $27, I had a coupon for an additional 20% off - so they were down to about $22 each - almost half of normal retail.

Will try all the shorts today (with tops from my closet) and then take back what isn't going to work. My Macy's does not get in a huge amount (in each size) - so it is better to buy too much and take back later - than wait too long and have no sizes available.

ADDED LATER: kept both sizes in one pair, kept larger size in second pair, kept smaller size in third pair, returned both sizes in last pair. They were all the same brand - but fit very differently. The ones that I kept both sizes - I LOVED - the larger size fits now - but I am still carrying extra weight from wrong med last fall - so have smaller size in case I get smaller again. Every pair requires some alternations - hemming, taking in hips/thighs, sewing down pockets. The one style that I am returning both sizes - it was because of how the pockets hit my hips - can't be sewn down without looking odd - and I look like an unmade bed in them.

I tried on EVERY white blouse in Macy's that was a potential fit for me. I am busty - I know what types of cuts are likely to fit and which absolutely will not. I had two clerks helping me look. NO luck. Sharla - ideas on places to buy COTTON, short or 3/4 length sleeves, true white that will accomodate my chest??? Vertical darts or tucks or stitching work best. I have to have enough room for breasts but then it has to go in at the bottom or it looks like maternity.

I have totally stopped wearing capri's. I do not have long enough legs. I sent some to Sharla and gave rest to my middle child. I think I look best in shorts and skirts that hit at or just above the knee. This doesn't mean that I won't buy capri's - and shorten them - if it is a great fit and style.

I am also (now) very firm on dealing with pockets on pants and shorts.

Of my four pairs of pants (exisiting, not new) three have no pockets or fake pockets. This makes a big difference in how I look and feel in these pants. Note: some pants might work with pockets sewn shut - but these have BIG slash/trouser pockets that hit right on my hip bone - I think it would look odd with them sewn shut.

So, I am giving away 1/4 of my pants wardrobe - because that one pair with real pockets that can't be sewn down - make me feel very dumpy. Better to own 3 great pairs of pants and feel good in them.

I still watch What Not to Wear on TLC - but I am really enjoying Tim Gunn on Bravo. This show jumps on and off the schedule - like many of Bravo's shows - but watch for it. He has a computer program where he shows his guests their body type and explains how different styles work (or not) for them>

He has a list of 10 things to build a very basic wardrobe. I am not sure how many I can remember: trench***, jeans, skirt, white blouse, day dress, dressier dress, jacket, dress pants, and my favorite - sweat suit alternative. I love that one.

I wore my sweat suit alternative to my MRI yesterday. A chocolate brown and white print wrap dress. It is from the clearance rack at Target - $18. I look good in it. I could go to a job interview in it. But, it is like wearing a nightgown (with underwear). REALLY comfy and since it is one piece - no fuss what so ever- Just like a nightgown. It is my sweat suit alternative - it is my GO TO piece.

Last week getting ready to go in for surgery - I realized that I own NO sweats. I have a few pair of nice fitted yoga pants - but I didn't want them to get stained - so didn't wear. I ended up wearing flannel PJ bottoms and a shirt, a fleece pull over, and hoodie (I was cold).

Yesterday - they told me to wear sweats in for MRI - sorry no sweats. I wore my wrap dress and asked for a blanket.

I paniced a little when they started to move me back into the tunnel.

They turned the inside tunnel FAN on high (good thing I had the blanket) and covered my eyes with a washcloth. I had a headset on my ears to block out the very loud machine noises.

I visualized a huge open field with a strong wind blowing daisies - the whole time - 20 full minutes and was fine. But I had to work at being fine.

It was a small tunnel - my arms down at my sides, could touch the tunnel sides. I NEVER once looked - eyes tightly shut and wash cloth over them - but I had the sensation that if I stuck out my tongue - I could touch the ceiling.

I know there are big tunnel's available too.

I can't remember if I have told this story before - when oldest was 2 or 3 he needed an MRI. I called the place to see what he would need to be able to do/expect. They described the whole thing to me - and said that kids always need to be sedated.

I practiced with a cookie sheet, a big box, a flashlight and a fan - for days with him. I made it a "freeze" game - how long can you hold without moving a muscle? I put flashlight and fan in box (both turned on). I would slide him in and out (he was on the cookie sheet). He did not need sedated - they told me he did better than most adults.

I do not need a bigger tunnel next time. Because now I know to ask for the tunnel fan on high, a blanket, the headset and a wash cloth. Realistic expectations. Knowing what I need.


***I bought a white trench with large chocolate poka dots at Target this week. I have never had a great trench before. It is REALLY great - very much a ME kind of thing. I needed an XL to comfortably fit in my shoulders and button across my bust. I didn't let the XL bother me. I tried them on and this was very flattering and elegant. Obviously I can't wear with my black and white poka dot boots. . .I would look like I belonged in a Dr Seuss book. If the dots are a bit much for you - there was white on off white too that was great.

About half way through the current 'Couples' season - I started watching The Biggest Loser. I am definitely hooked - but it is like a foreign language in some ways.

If anyone is a long time fan and can explain what happens when someone gets to goal or gets to the bottom of the BMI (body mass index) for their height - and the season is still going - I would appreciate it.

For example, Ali and Mark - both are nearing their goal weight.

I don't know how many weeks are left - but with 6 people left and assuming the last week is 2 people with one being chosen as the winner - that leaves a full month.

It would be totally possible for Ali and Mark to work past their goal and actually be down in the bottom of the range for their height on the BMI chart.

Roger on the other hand - could probably be on the show for another 3 months and still have more to lose - because he started out so much heavier.

What happens? Is this a typical set of people for this show? Are there always contestants that get down to goal or past goal?

Obgyn said that we would first attack heavy/over-bleeding and give that 4 mos to straighten itself out and then move on to hormones. There is a chance the heavy/over-bleeding is contributing to hormones taking a nose dive. So we have to get bleeding straightened out before moving on with other stuff.

When obgyn's nurse called on Friday - she said that I needed to be seen for my lower back on Monday (yesterday). My mom found a non-surgical doctor in the large Orthopedic group that we all love. I called yesterday morning after therapy. I was seen yesterday afternoon.

His list for me is figuring out what is wrong with my lower back and my cold feet - as he thinks they are related. X-rays yesterday, MRI on Wednesday, see him again on (this) Friday.

Side Note: While I was there for my lower back - He checked my rib - and it was NOT ever broken - so he thinks it was just very badly bruised and the stuff in between was pulled apart (which is what Sharla thought too). The pain stopped totally about a month ago.

If you think my body is falling apart - it is not. I am now taking care of things that I haven't dealt with - for YEARS. So, the list sort of piled up on me.

My therapist and my psychatrist (and now my obgyn I guess) bring things up and tell me I shouldn't just be living with them - that I have to take care of them.

Yes, I had to tell nurse and then doctor that I was there for a lower back injury that happened about 7 years ago and no, I had never been seen (not once) for it. No x-rays, no MRI, nothing. I just lived with it.

Trixie said something on her blog about now having things wrong that weren't wrong before (at higher weights). I can only answer for myself.

My list of aches and pains was very long at 215 pounds. When I read blogs - I had many of the same physical problems as 215 that others talk about at much higher weights. This was a LONG list of problems. And I just lived with them all.

As the weight has come off, many of the problems took care of themselves. The list that remains is sort of the "hard core" stuff. If it is still here - it is not going to fix itself.

I don't like medical stuff. I have the feeling that once I start on the medical-merry-go-round, it is hard to get off. I need my therapist to say something to my psychiatrist who then says something to me. And then I go. Or in this case - my obgyn said I needed to go. My phone nurse also sends me for things like very over due paps and mammograms.

Deep down - I think this is some sort of immaturity. I am smart enough to go. If it were one of my kids they would be in the car and headed somewhere before they even finished the sentence.

It is hard to learn to listen to my body. It is hard to wrap my mind around the concept that I shouldn't be living with many of the things that have been happening to me - for a long, long time. Yes, I know - years and years of analysis could be made/done on that subject.

Catching things wise - I am pretty healthy. I have not been sick in YEARS - not a cold - nor the flu for years and years.

But, I have been living with pain for a long, long time. At the doctor yesterday - I had to tell him that on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being childbirth with no medication, that when my lower back is bad - it is about a seven - and yes, it has been that way for 7+ years.

I think that since the run-away rumminations have stopped (meds and learning to set thoughts aside instead of having them turn into a run-away train of anxiety) I am able to actually see and communicate what is there. And those are the things I am working on, now.

Don't forget to wear GREEN (so no one pinches you)

Sunday was non-stop laundry day - it hadn't been done all week. Daunting at first - the piles were high. But the beauty of lots of laundry is that each color/fabric type is its own load.

Dark knits. Dark roughs. Dark cottons. Pure white. Off whites. Pink/red/purple fuzzy fabrics. Pink/red/purple non-fuzzy (this is life with girls, I don't like lint - so fuzzies are washed by themselves). Gray/light blue. Medium greens.

I think that was it. Real sense of accomplishment when I was done.

First day back of paper duty with oldest this morning. First day back of taking girls to school. Therapy today. Not doing yoga/free weights today - starting tomorrow. Tomorrow is Kate - 90 minutes of non-intense yoga. Monday's are hard - not starting too much today.

My hormones flipped a switch yesterday. Could not stand anyone or anything. Cried all morning (so far) over absolutely nothing.

Started a list of veggies and fruit. Not "tracking" calories or fiber or the like - simply writing each type down (as I eat them) to see how much variety I have on a weekly basis. Very interesting so far.

Oldest, youngest watch You Are What You Eat with me. We all love it. We especially love the announcer's comments. The youngest and I watch all the good foods and good food combinations. the oldest is just fascinated with the table loaded with junk that appears at the beginning of each show. There is rarely ANY food - just junk.

This week there was an episode where the woman was celebrating her 50th birthday. Gillian said that is was more like she was celebrating her 5th birthday. This woman LIVED on processed sugar. Her "before" food table was all forms of cakes and candy and sweets. It was an observant comment by Gillian - for truly this woman acted like she was 5 years old and wanted to live doing whatever she wanted.

I identified with this - totally.

This was very reflective of my old behaviors.

Over spending, over eating - non-mature behaviors - very little self regulation. I was truly acting on impulse.

And was this happy? NO - because my thought process - 24/7 was horrible. I spent every waking moment mentally and physically miserable.

These are my years of non-stop RUMINATION.

ru·mi·na·tion (rm-nshn) n.
1. The act of pondering; meditation.
2. The act or process of chewing cud.

I didn't know what that word even meant - then.

I didn't realize that there was a way to live without all the thoughts - that just never ended. I was SO miserable.

I think of life without rumination as EVEN-ness. It has taken a long time to find EVEN-ness. I have had to work at finding EVEN-ness.

It is pretty simple now - to realize that if nothing is hanging over my head - I feel better. I feel EVEN.

Is this because I didn't get things out of my system at the age of five and just got "stuck" there? I don't know. But I can clearly see that I was acting like a five year old - for a long, long time.

Play was very good. Last one for the middle child at the girls' school. High school for her next year.

Doctor's office called to say all my labs came back totally normal. That is what I expected.

Nurse also said - continue taking it easy all weekend.

My follow up appointment with the doctor is April 11th - 4 weeks after surgery - if no complications.

Might be too much information, but writing it down for the next person with ablation, because if I don't write it - won't remember:

Nurse said it will take 3 monthly cycles before we know "how it worked".

She said that I had ovulated before procedure, so to expect some type of period shortly. She said it might be heavy or might be light - and the two after that would be unpredictable too.

She said there are a small percentage that never make it to that 3rd month - because they have complications during the first or second month and end up with hysterectomy.

She said if I bleed heavily or for longer than 5 days - to call them immediately.

I am not the slightest bit upset about this. If I end up being one of the ones with hysterectomy - I will not be upset - instead I will be DONE.

Phone Nurse Sherrie hadn't called since the end of January. I had sort of even forgotten about her. She called yesterday.

Each time she calls - we set a small goal - something that we both agree needs done - that I am to work on before the next time she calls. The goal we set in January was for me to get my over-due PAP done before she called again.

Yesterday, I laughed when she asked me about it.

So, I had a chance to tell her the whole story and talk about how I was feeling.

This might seem like a minor thing. But, all week - I have had (only) YOU all to tell. I appreciate your support greatly!

In real life, no one here, besides my family, knew anything about it. There really isn't anyone to tell. The few people that I see casually, like the others that take yoga, I didn't say anything at all. So, of course, no one has called to see how I was doing.

Intellectually, I knew that no one would be calling. And remember - I am NOT a phone person. But somewhere down deep - it was just a little weird that I have no friends - only acquaintances in real life.

Not weird enough to want to get sucked in to other's lives - but weird enough that I noticed.

I am not down in the slightest.

Phone nurse Sherrie commented that I sounded very upbeat and positive. I am VERY hopeful that all this female mess will be over and I will be able to stay much more EVEN all through this spring and summer.

My goal before the next time she calls is to get myself exercising again - starting very slowly. She was worried about my free weights class and urged me to start out with 2 and 3 lb weights for this first week. Good idea.

I got up and drove with oldest for paper route this morning. My gut feels fine - but my back hurts. Taking 800 mg of ibuporfin and curling up under my electric blanket. I may have to get in and have someone take a look at my back.

Middle child's play is tonight - taking high backed, padded folding chair from home. I should be fine.

I did have a back up plan if surgery was delayed - oldest recorded Click and Clack (Car Talk guys from NPR) and This American Life (also NPR) on a tiny headset. I had several hours worth to distract me - just in case - but didn't need it as they were running ahead of schedule. Tiny headset and player were in my zip lock bag with my other important stuff.

Wednesday - hospital called to see how I was and to make sure I wasn't doing too much. My day consists of alternating from my right side to my left side - like rotating tires sort of - and giving my thumb a workout on the remote.

I took Tylenol at 8am Wednesday - nothing since - don't need it any more.

If I am up too long - I get a dull pain - like I was punched in the stomach a day or two ago. It doesn't come on quickly - it is like an early warning system - so, I don't stay up TOO long.

This is how I think of it - If I were taking something to totally mask the pain - then I wouldn't have my little warning system - I couldn't hear my body telling me to take it easy.

If I had started on real prescription pain pills after surgery - I would now have progressed to major constipation and/or nausea and/or headache, etc, etc, etc and a vicious circle of trying to get off meds. I have none of that - my body is functioning just fine.

AND -
You know that you have big saggy breasts when 36 hours after surgery - you discover not one, but TWO adhesive connection monitor pads still adhered to your chest - one under each breast. . .

Very, very glad to be all done!!!

Today - Wednesday - I am fine. I don't feel pain anywhere - I feel totally normal. Not in the mood for pilates - too much core - but totally could do yoga. Not going - will go back on Monday - but feel like I could.

Tuesday - went in an hour early because they had called the day before to say they thought he would be running early and ready for me.

I told the anestesiologst that I didn't care about the nicities - to please just get me out very fast because I didn't want "the surgery room" to panic me.

I don't remember a thing - not being wheeled down the hall - not being transfered from bed to bed - not even taking my glasses off. I was out while I was still in the "first room" with my husband and woke up back in the same place. I didn't even know anything had happened. Very nice - no anxiety at all. And it was very simple. I just told him that I was a high anxiety person - that I was fine right now - but the last time I had surgery "the room" and "all the stuff in the room" - was hard.

On the ride home - started having severe back pain. This is coming from me - who had three babies with no meds. When I say severe - it was all I could do to stand it. It lasted for several hours. I truly thought I was on my way back to the hospital. I could not get warm. Wanted in the hot tub something fierce - but not allowed. Oldest went and bought a electric blanket. That did the trick - was very much like being in hot water - soothing.

I vomitted shortly after arriving home. We now think that I was dehydrated and also that I vomitted my first dose of ibuporfin.

By the second rotation of tylenol and ibuporfin - I was on the mend. Pain was very tolerable. (we were rotating meds every 3 hours with food, 800 mg ibuporfin and then tylenol 3 hours later, and then 800 mg ibuporfin 3 hours later)

Like I said - today - perfectly fine. I woke at 4am (normal) and ate breakfast and took more ibuporfin and going back to bed. Not doing anything today or tomorrow. My mom and son are doing the "running" this week. Son has high school in morning - but is off for college spring break. He is cooking all week.

I am planning paper route on Friday (my husband got up and went today and is going tomorrow) because I won't have to do anything other than drive. Middle child's play is Friday night - planning to go to that too.

Things to remember for any future procedures:
Taking my own pads was a very good suggestion. Hospital's were cheap. I was very glad that someone here had told me and I had my own. Left purse and all jewelry at home. I took 1 (one gallon) zip lock bag with my drivers license and insurance card and all my medicine (in case I had to stay for some reason) chap stick, clean socks and my pads.

Coated up with chap stick as I went in - helped with hospital dryness.

I was not hydrated enough before surgery . For any future surgeries, I need to drink a lot the 3 days before so I am "deeply" hydrated. And I think this had something to do with my back pain. I think it was dehydration/kidneys and perhaps also how they probably positioned me during surgery***.

Because I was in car for much of Sunday - I did not drink enough that day and Monday just forgot. So, I was not up to my normal hydration. I think this would have helped.

I need to take lemon herbal tea with me next time - everything at hospital was COLD and I don't drink COLD. It also was pop and juice, and I don't drink pop or juice. So, this started me out "not drinking" and that turned out to be a problem.

I was not in the mood to drink when we got home - but jello and applesauce were nice - and they are very liquid - I jello-ed my way through those first few back pain hours. Today - Wednesday - can drink fine. Pushing liquids all day.

I refused all (prescription) pain meds at release - I have learned from experience that they constipate me and cause more problems than good. And after this terrible back pain - I still think they are not a good fit for me. They would have masked the pain. And I think I needed to pay attention to the pain and work through it. If I had been able to keep first dose (yes, I took it with food) down - I think I would have been fine with tylenol and ibuporfin and electric blanket.

***I had told every nurse and the doctor to be very careful about my lower back during procedure. When I woke, they had me in a fetal position propped with pillows front and back - so they did listen. But I am sure I was in a weird position during surgery itself.

PS - almost no bleeding. That was a surprise - very little after surgery - almost none the rest of the day yesterday. Today - barely spotting. Also - doctor said that polyp looked very normal - polyp and everything he scraped went to lab - should hear about all that the beginning of next week. Will be glad to hear all was normal - not worried though.

When Helen and I were in college - our old college gym was torn down and a beautiful new facility was built. I don't know about Helen - but I am not sure I was ever IN the new facility - not even to just walk through - certainly not to exercise.

Yesterday, (out of state) college open house with the oldest, my eyes were WIDE during my second tour of their gym. This is a beautiful facility that is for the students. Members of the community can use it for a small annual fee. (All the university sports teams practice at a different facility.)

Half way through - I said to my husband - I could keep a sleeping bag in one of the locker rooms and just LIVE in here. And truly I could.

HUGE building. 4 full basketball courts. TONS of equipment that is replaced every 2 years - so it stays new. The pool is gigantic and unbelievable. Too many lanes to count for laps. 30 person hot tub. Indoor 1/8 mile track. Fabulous classes - lots of pilates and yoga. Indoor rock wall with lots of different levels. Everything new and spotless. Facility is open almost all the time.

If I am making the trip to and fro - all the time - no cars on campus for freshman - I am planning to time my trips so that I can use the facility while I am there. 2 1/2 -3 hours each way - break to workout between my "to" and my "fro" will feel great. I can say to oldest when you are ready to pack up and go - come find me at the gym. . .

Off to get as much as I can DONE - on my "last day" before "surgery". Thanks for well wishes.

Quite a rambling story with way too much information, but it felt better once I wrote it all out, so I left it as is

FRIDAY:
I am ON for this coming Tuesday.

I called and left a good message for the scheduler - telling her just what I wanted to convey and urging her to talk to the doctor directly and let him decide - whether to go for this Tuesday or try to hit a better time down the road.

He is gone when my cycle is likely to hit next month.
I seem to bleed a little longer each time.
Polyp isn't going to get better/smaller on its own.
I have already been going through this for years now.

Since I am right in the middle of this cycle - he decided to just get it done now.

Otherwise it will be several months from now - and I remember Sharla - they waited so long (insurance, managed care) that she was bleeding too heavily (all the time) and it was too late for ablation and she had hysterectomy.

I am not quite sure what to think about all this.

I don't feel powerless - because I totally realize that I have the ability to say NO. But I doubt that I will (say no, I think I'll go ahead in the end). But there is something to be said about having the power to say no - even if you don't.

It might turn out once they get IN there that sooner was better than later. I have very little recovery time with (simple/vagional)ablation and D&C. Little recovery time is better to keep me EVEN. If we wait - I might have a much bigger mess.

I don't think I am upset about surgery. But, it might be that "I have to be a little upset about something" - so timing is IT. I think part of it is just my leftover feelings about OBGYN's and having to fit into their schedule and their system.

VERY BAD FOOD DAY FRIDAY/YESTERDAY.

Things that I normally would "turn up my nose".

I ate my usual breakfast. I ate a big salad with chick peas mixed in and baked Tilapia on the side (Friday). I was very sick in one huge gush of major cramps and diarrhea in the middle of the afternoon - but felt fine soon after. It was one of those "purge and done" kind of feelings.

My son ate the same fish - so it was probably something about the salad - but had eaten the same salad makings the previous day. Or nerves.

BUT, since I wasn't sure if I was sick or if it was just something I ate - I had this feeling of - eat what you want - it will probably run right through you. Also - if you are sick - then it is out of your hands and you might have to postpone surgery this Tuesday. Also, this is a way to tell if you are sick or not - if you eat junk and are fine - you are not sick.

Small serving of full fat ice cream (but still about 250 calories and major fat), 3 pieces of pizza and 8 oven fish sticks later, I was still fine and not sick. . .sigh.

SATURDAY:
This has been a very UN EVEN week.

No yoga or free weights on Wednesday - snow.

I didn't make it to yoga on Thursday - field trip crisis.

Friday - when I walked in the door to drop papers off in school office (busy with my school volunteer stuff right now) I was needed for several things - so I didn't make it to free weights, but did make it to yoga.

So, I have today (Saturday) Pilates and yoga, and
Monday free weights and yoga left.

Do I think - up and at 'em???

No, I think, since I am going to miss almost all of next week anyway - what is the point.

When I got to Yoga yesterday - I watched the end of free weights and they had a conga line going with lunges. I felt like a newbie. I felt like since I missed two classes last week, even though no one else had class on Wednesday either because of snow, that I was totally out of it. It was the dream where you haven't been to class all semester and you are there for the final - feeling. A lost feeling. A sinking feeling.

I know myself. I will have to drag myself in today. I will have to drag myself in on Monday for free weights and yoga.

SUNDAY:
We are going to an out of state university open house on Sunday - my husband, the oldest and I. It is the school where the oldest is likely to go. Oldest and I have been there already. Husband has not been to any of them (yet) because we usually go during the week when he is working.

Sunday will be a blur.


MONDAY:
Monday is always a busy day with exercise in the morning - dash home to change and then therapy and then errands and then girls/after school stuff.

I have a project for school that it would be helpful to have done before Tuesday. I enjoy the analytical-ness of my school volunteer jobs. This one is updating the sign up mailer for all the volunteer jobs during the school year. If I got the first copy out for review - it would be moving itself forward, while I am not moving.

Yes, part of me is SO looking forward to not having to do a thing. Being more of a bum than usual. Remember if I am not busy - I am burrowing in my bed.

But I already know how hard it will be to get myself going again on the other side after recovery.

It will be like I have never taken a shower or worn clothes.

It will be like I have never done a moment of exercise.

It will be like the first day of yoga and the first day of Pilates and the first day of free weights.

How I did this after three months down with sinus surgery (winter of 2005) - I don't know.

How I ever started (after never really having done anything) in the beginning - is still a blur.

The nothingness will feel EVEN. It will be hard to transfer that feeling into movement feeling EVEN.

I have been trying hard to develop an interest in something, anything again - without having it be eating for recreation or spending $$$ for recreation.

I have been trying to find moderation in all things. And to stay centered without being self-centered.

These are hard things for me.

Laura on sports bras.

Thanks for the info on Cranberry Juice - If anyone needs to find it again - I put "Cranberry Info in comments" on the label.

I waited until noon - no call - so I called the scheduler at 12:10. She scheduled me for next Tuesday - but then I had a call back later in the afternoon (that I missed) and I have a feeling she checked with him and he said wait until next cycle.

If not, I am going to call back and tell her that I need to wait until next cycle. When I thought about what he said - I think he said the ablation has the best chance of working (totally ending all bleeding on future periods) if we do it RIGHT after a cycle.

Scheduler and I could not figure out how we are ever going to have this work - because Tuesday is his only surgery day. But I think I can wait at least one cycle to SEE if we can make it work, and also check to see if he can do a surgery on another day.

I spent all day ysterday thinking that we had to wait and see when the next one ends. But last night I realized that we can figure it out based on when the next one starts - because that would give us 10-12 days notice.

The surgery itself is not giving me anxiety - but the thought of doing all this and still having bleeding because we rushed - is giving me anxiety. I need to call her and tell her that - plainly so she GETS it.

Dropped the girls off at school yesterday - youngest called me back (8:00am) before I even got home to say that something had gone wrong and there were not enough moms for field trip (they were leaving 30 minutes after she called). I was still in my paperboy crud clothes and no shower (for two days because of snow day the day before). I said - I will be there as fast as I can, but I am going home to take a shower and get dressed. I got there at 8:32 (they were scheduled to leave at 8:30 - so all was okay).

I go on almost all field trips - but this is the type that I hate - down to play with kids from inner city day care.*** I always am looking while I am there. If I was oblivious I would be okay - but I am so not oblivious.

We were in several rooms with kids between 1-3. I held kids the whole time I was there - they all wanted held, rocked, carried, read books. I was sneezed on, coughed on, wiped noses, checked one eye (she was rubbing it non-stop). I washed my hands there and also wiped up as soon as I got in the car.

I stopped on the way home and had my mom check me for lice. I used to work with these types of kids - we were checked for lice every day at that program. I typed that and stopped to itch - but I don't think there is anything there.

Before I even got back to school to drop off field trip kids, son called with bank problem. I met him there. Then grocery. Then OBGYN's office for paperwork and bloodwork (when I thought I was going next Tuesday). Then picked up girls and headed to Orthodics office to have middle child fitted for her (done) inserts.

I was very glad that I stopped and took a shower and put on real clothes after the emergency call at 8am. Because it was a non-stop day. I didn't know that when the day started. I definitely felt better all day - because I was clean and fresh and nicely dressed.

I took a shopping bag with my shoe wardrobe to the orthodics place. He checked all my shoes and yes, they were all too big.

He made adjustments to all of them so that they now fit. In some shoes this meant a layer under the insert to make my foot higher in the shoe. In other shoes it meant padding under the shoe tongue.

I said - I can just start over with new shoes - these will probably all fit the middle child.

AND HE SAID - NO, DO NOT BUY ANY MORE SHOES - BECAUSE HE THINKS I WILL STILL GO DOWN ANOTHER HALF SIZE.

HE SAID THAT HE THINKS I WILL GO BACK TO 7 1/2.***
That's where I was/started - prefat - pre pregnancies.

Holy Moly.


***In Catholic school systems - all the way up including college - kids are taught that service work to the community is a part of life. The service work is always age appropriate. This is a day care center that the school adopted - grades 4-8 go on a regular basis to play with the kids. Each class also has another service that they do. When my 8th grader went to day care center - she held and rocked babies in the nursery all morning. 4th graders were not in nursery - they were with 1-3 and played and played and played. The teachers all said that the little kids LOVE this extra (kind, one-on-one) attention. Oldest (senior in high school) has stocked shelves and freezer at the local food bank for each fall semester.

***I am currently in an 8. I was up as high as 9 and 9 1/2 at my highest non-exercising weights. He said even if my weight stays the same, he thinks my feet will continue to tighten.

Food Porn

Surgery schedule person did not call. I'll give her until noon today and then I will call her.

Snow day yesterday - bad snow and ice. Even free weights and yoga was cancelled - which rarely happens. Garbage pick up was also cancelled. I can't remember the last time that happened.

I ended up OUT in it - middle of the day - not bad by then.

Middle child ran out of books and husband needed to drop van off for new wiper blades and something else. Husband needed to eat lunch - that's what we did waiting for van.

I am down to ONE restaurant in town - where I am willing to eat.

It is a locally owned restaurant where they will basically prepare anything that you want - the way that you want. They have a massive fresh fruit and veggie salad (on the menu) that I love. My husband and I split the salad, split a baked potato and each ordered one plain/grilled chicken breast (half). And we each ordered water.

After we were done eating - the waitress checked back in with us and wanted to know if we wanted dessert. I asked - kindly I hope - how many people she had that split/ordered like we had and drank water and then ordered a dessert?

I was assuming that they are taught to ask about dessert - that it is just standard procedure. Not that she was an evil person.

She said that hardly anyone ever does - but one couple orders similar to us and then splits peppermint ice cream. I don't think I have ever even had peppermint ice cream - but I thought about it for several hours after she said it.

I never watch the food network. I don't read cookbook like materials unless they are food combinations that I eat. I don't watch ANY commercials on TV***. I am not in the habit of doing/watching things that are not good for me. I don't need any more ideas/influence than I already have, thank you.

That peppermint ice cream haunted me. I think that I was relaxed - I think my guard was down - because it was my restaurant - in my little world. The rest of the time - I have a mental line. I have a mental shield.

Yes, I have three kids - and all their friends - that eat all kinds of stuff that I do not. Yes, there are cereal boxes and bread and other things all over my house. They are HEALTHY cereal and bread - but still things that I do not eat. I buy these, I prepare these, I live with these, I see these - But those are on the other side of the line. I live on my side of the line.

Can I go to my restaurant and say - please don't talk to me about dessert and don't offer/bring bread - absolutely - with a smile.

Do, I think that I am weak or needy because of this?

No, I - so - do not think that I am at all weak or needy or demanding. I think that I am on the leading edge of smart healthy eaters.

I think that the trend is to eat "whatever" and I absolutely will not.




***I have a system where you can pause and fast forward - even on live TV - so if I am watching live - I pause and then fast forward through them. If I let the program get a 15-20 minute headstart (like I go clean out the dishwasher and reload it or do laundry), I can go straight through because the show is ahead of me.

Thanks for all your nice comments!!!! They helped a lot.

It was one hour - from the moment I walked in the door until I was back in my car on the way to pick up the girls from school.

My paperwork was filled out in advance and I was READY to get the solution rolling. If they had asked me to start stripping on the way down the hall to my exam room - I would have.

ObGyn came in to introduce himself and to see what my concerns were. I read him my list. He praised me for my list - said it gave him the big/total picture easily. He asked to put it in my file.

He went back out - I stripped - he came back in and did pelvic. He said good job for already having my mammogram done.

I put my clothes back on and went down the hall, stripped again and had internal ultrasound. Since it was his technician in his lab - she could talk to me.

Right away she said - polyps. What the difference is between fibroids and polyps - I forgot to ask.

I put my clothes back on and went back to the first room.

He came right in and said that polyp was cause of bleeding. He recommended polyp-ectomy (I am not sure that is the right term) and old fashioned D&C.

I asked if they could do an ablation while they were in there. I call this "like the nose bleed thing" - because that is what it reminds me.

This (all 3 procedures) can be done vaginally - at the same time.

Anything more and it would have to be through the belly button. That seems more like real surgery to me. And, at this point - that is not indicated/needed. These three have best chance of fixing things and will help to keep me EVEN. No over night - very little recovery time. My exercise will only be interrupted for a couple days.

Sharla - I did remember ablation from when you were going through all your stuff - see "too much information" pays off in the end. And Colleen just recently told me that she had one. It worked GREAT for her - no periods at all - no ill effects.

ObGyn apologized that he was introducing himself and telling me I needed surgery all on the same day. I said - don't feel bad at all - I will go home and sleep just fine - this is not upsetting at all - I just wanted an answer and wanted to move forward.

I can't tell you how nice it was to have an immediate answer and path to follow. Even if this doesn't work and we have to do more - we are moving. That is a lot.

After procedure we are waiting for 3-4 months to see what happens to bleeding and to my moods/hormones. He is hoping that these 3 procedures - take care of it all.

Nurse is calling later this week to figure out my cycle and when to schedule. I am hoping next Tuesday - otherwise will have to wait one more cycle (I think).

He said - that he was there for me - for the long haul and that there were lots of options. He said how I have been living (1 week of crazies followed by almost two weeks of bleeding and only one week of ME) was totally unacceptable and that we would keep moving forward until we got it all straightened out - but that it might take a while.

He wrote a "month's worth" out on the paper cover on the exam table.
CR = Crazies
PE = Period
ME is me.
CR CR CR CR CR CR CR
CR PE PE PE PE PE PE
PE PE PE PE PE PE ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME

Unacceptable is exactly what it is.

I slept just fine. I am going to sign the stuff that says if he gets in there and there is something wrong - don't wake me - just take it out.

My mother is ALL FOR all of these procedures at one time - so one "knock out dose" and doing as much as they can.

And frankly since I don't need my uterus any more - I figure if something goes wrong and the ablation messes stuff up - then we just take out the uterus. If I was having heart surgery - I wouldn't feel this way - but since the uterus has done its work - I have no problem with thinking of it as expendable.

I am not upset in the slightest. If he would have said - "just a minute let me get a spork and a disinfectant wipe and we'll do it right now"*** - I would have said okay.



***This is a running joke at my house. When a kid has something minor that they are making a big deal out of - I always say - Go get a spork and a wipe and I'll fix that in the bathtub. (Bathtub is so I can wash the blood down the drain with no clean up. A spork is a combination of a spoon and a fork. I have a thing about using/over using wipes - just ask Laura.)

OBGYN appointment - might be too much information for some

My obgyn appointment is today.

My psychiatrist and therapist both feel that my cycle is doing sort of terrible things to me and that I need to be seen.

I have never had an obgyn. When I was pregnant - it was a real negative for me to try to fit into their system.

I am a "natural childbirth" kind of person - I don't do all these tests and scans unless there is a medical reason.

I don't like to be induced because a big weekend activity is approaching.

I like to deliver with no meds and the normal way - unless there is a medical reason.

The OB's in your area might be all for this type of thing - but here they are not.

I was one of TWO vaginal deliveries out of two full floors of women with my 2nd child - everyone else was a section. Out of three deliveries I was the only one that most of the delivery nurses had ever seen with NO meds. I also was the only one that walked off their labor contractions. I also like to sit backwards on the toilet and sit on a stool in the shower.

If I were having a baby now - I would be doing all of the above and YOGA - the whole labor.

I had a major war with one nurse (she wanted me in bed - for NO medical reason) with my 3rd child. In a huff she called my doctor to have him set me straight and he told her to either get with my way or to find me another nurse that could.

Yes, there are monitors that are important. But my husband turns off the volume and holds them by hand - at the requested times - to do fetal monitoring without tying me to machines and having me flat on my back in bed. The way that he does it - it doesn't disrupt my Labor Karma.

So, I stuck with my GP for my women's stuff. And I didn't figure out until a couple years ago that my women's stuff wasn't normal. And this is not my GP's fault - I was not communicating this to him - because I didn't see most of it myself. It wasn't until my therapist said something - that I began to see the bigger picture.

My periods go way longer than most (just a couple days short of 2 weeks most months). I didn't know that everyone doesn't have massive clots. I didn't figure out until very recently that severe breast pain/tenderness the week before can mean problems.

My migraines are tied into processed food, the barometer and my cycle.

I get hair in unwanted places - tied into my cycle.

I have a huge amount of trouble functioning - the week before I start. I look ugly and masculine to myself. I am very upset/hostile. I fly off the handle over nothing. About the only thing I can do is burrow into my bed and try to stay away from people.

Having a cycle last for almost 2 weeks with major bleeding and clotting makes it difficult to stay "even". I kept track this time - because my appointment was arriving soon after my cycle. Days 7 and 8 were two tampons and a diaper size pad (all at the same time) days.

In the summer - this means I am out of the pool for nearly 2 weeks - once a month. In yoga - I can't be upside down for much of that two weeks. Daily exercise is a big part of what keeps me EVEN - this is a real problem.

I have problems with pee (either runs out of me or I can't go) with my cycle. I have more problems than normal with constipation around this time too.

I think that my uterus is TOO BIG in there - and that it blocks other stuff. I think that my hormones have NEVER been normal tied into my cycle.

I sort of have ONE WEEK a month where I feel that I am really ME - and because I need to stay EVEN - I barely settle back into myself - before the whole thing starts again.

I want to have the right hormones without taking anything that I live in fear that it is going to give me cancer - you know?

I am seeing THE obgyn that both my therapist and psychiatrist want me to see. I am hoping I can explain all this - in a way that he GETS.

Fat Realization Day at Yoga - this is part of my on going draft clean up - this one is from November of 2007

Tuesday, at Yoga with Barbara - we were working on Standing Half Moons. This is one of my favorite poses.

Here is one picture - except we keep the top arm straight up and open the chest toward the ceiling. The top hip releases forward slightly. A very subtle opening twist - to get the ying and yang of yoga. This second picture has the arm up - but the ying and yang are missing - her chest isn't very open. But she is up and balanced - and that is a lot.

My Tuesday work was against the wall. My inner ear is still a little wonky.

I wasn't the only one having fat realization day at yoga on Tuesday.

Someone else said - "I have this roll of fat (love handles) that are just IN the way".

Barbara said - we all do - and you just physically move it. You lift it out of the way. You shove it forward. You pull it back. You just don't worry/think about it and move it out of the way.

I am constantly rearranging something, somewhere.

I can release a muscle, hold a muscle, change the angle of nearly anything - in my mind's eye at least.

Sometimes it doesn't LOOK like I have done a thing - because the movement was my intention - my mind visualizing where I am going - because that has to happen first - before any real change/movement takes place.

That's why I stopped looking in the mirror in the first place. Because looking in the mirror took me off of my mat and sent me off into the woulda-coulda-shoulda's. It would start with a stray thought about yoga - and then my monkey mind would be off and running on a trail of its own.

I made it through Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday yoga with NO tears and no hard swallows. I had one GASP when I saw myself fully extended and twisted in the mirror on Tuesday. But it must not have been too loud - because no one turned to look.

If you were here earlier - there was another post up - I am still working on cleaning up all my saved drafts. After I published and got to thinking about that post - I remembered I had posted another version of it a few months ago. You can find it here.

Reading Other's Posts

A friend of mine once told me that our first house looked more like a warehouse than a home. She was right.

But until she said that - I hadn't REALLY noticed.

At that time - about 10 years ago - I found three Amish women to come in and hold my hand through the process. I had a baby, a preschool and a young grade schooler and didn't know where to start.

As they cleaned out each cupboard or drawer and scrubbed, I made piles of donate or pitch.

I got in the habit of getting rid of this stuff THE SAME DAY instead of just moving the piles. This habit has served me very well.

I have found that the cycles of weight and clutter
have moved parallel to each other, in my life.

Are there other cycles? I am sure there are.

Do we each have to get through all the cycles in order to find peace? I don't know.

If someone asked me to sit down and write out all the cycles that I have gone through - I don't know if I could do it. In order to figure out what the cycles are - I would have to refer to a list of 12 steps. And I don't know if I could bring myself to do that - face that.

What I know is as I read other blogs - people in various stages of their weight loss or getting healthy process - I recognize stages. I read them and realize - that maybe I didn't think about it/define it at the time - but I was there too, once upon a time. Sometimes I realize I am still there now. Or that I need to work to get there.

About half of the blogs I read are people "somewhere IN process".

The other half that I read are people that are maintainers - at their stable weight - but are still very much IN other processes. These seem to be mostly fitness stages - working at a new sport, getting toned, building cardio endurance - OR healthy cooking/eating - in the maintenance world, everything seems to fall into one of those two categories.

I keep these bloggerss in two sections - so I read all the "in process people" first every day. And then I read the maintainers. And then I visit my own blog to read the comments from the day before and write the current days post. I usually read my own posting two or three times - to see if I am really getting what I have written to myself. I always read everything in that order.

I have always read myself last - but I started dividing my daily reads this way when Alicia divided her blog links into different sections. It is very helpful to me to put my "in process thinking cap on" and then move into the maintainers - rather than bouncing back and forth.

When I was in process myself - I had a hard time finding maintenance blogs. There seem to be a lot more around now.

I GET as much from the people who are stuck on a plateau or somewhere else "in process" as I do from my fellow maintainers. What everyone writes - keeps it very real and fresh for me. I remember where I have been. Sometimes I see more and learn more from someone else's experience than I did from my own - because I am not personally involved - I have a much clearer perspective.

What everyone writes - really helps.

The Floor

One of my initial yoga teachers was Julie - who had just had a c-section with her 3rd child and weighed right around 300 pounds. A skinny weight for Julie is about 225 or so. Julie was strong and flexible and limber.

Julie talked about the benefits of yoga - a lot.
Her key point was aiding in mobility.

She talked about things like being able to tie your shoes with your feet on the floor. Being able to get in and out of the bath tub. Being able to squat down, to reach something that drops and then get back up, easily. Being able to reach under the table and pick something up when you sweep. Being able to sweep. She talked about "being able" in general.

She also talked about getting up and down - off the floor.

I had forgotten this until Colleen mentioned it, in yoga, a few weeks ago.

Colleen weighs about 120 pounds and is a size 4. She was not talking about "being able". My guess is that she doesn't (personally) know about "being able". But I give her a lot of credit for taking all of us - in her classes - as we are. She really works within each person's ability range.

Colleen was talking about relying on things that hold us up all day - chairs in particular.

She was talking about sitting on the floor with nothing to hold us - up - but our own bones/muscles.

She was talking about posture.

She was talking about getting up and down off the floor.

She was talking about making do with just ourselves and not needing other "stuff".

I spend a LOT of time on the floor in class. And this was difficult to get used to, in the beginning. At that time, the floor seemed hard. It hurt. I don't know if this is a factor of weight or of conditioning.

The floor does not seem hard to me now.

I sit on the floor in a lot of different ways -
bottoms of the feet together/knees on the floor,
legs under me in hero,
variations of firelog,
uncrossed Indian style (feet in front/not crossed cutting off circulation),
and my nemisis - legs straight out in front of me.

The poses that are easy and comfortable to me - are not to everyone else and visa versa. For me - bend my legs - and I can do nearly anything. Keep my legs straight out in front of me - I don't bend forward - AT ALL. Straight up is a challenge.

Straight legs out in front of me is work - I have to really work to stay straight up - chest up/out. It is as much mental as physical. I want OUT of that pose before I really even get into it. Quieting my mind is hard. NOW - the hardness of the floor helps me in this pose - I push my legs down against it and that helps hold my back straighter.

But that 'ohhhh, the floor is sooo hard' thing - took a LONG while to go away.

The floor hurt my wrists for that whole first year - hurt. Then the floor was still hard - I felt the hardness under my hands - but it didn't hurt any more. Finally, one day within the last 6 months or so, I suddenly realized that the floor didn't feel hard anymore. The hardness had just slipped away. The floor was just the floor. I didn't think about it any more.

I used to use two thick mats (one on top of the other, so soft that I could have slept on it) for yoga. I stopped when Barbara suggested that was not helping my balance problems. Sabrina said the same thing. I now use a super sticky/very thin mat for my normal yoga practice. They both encouraged me not to use any mat at all for standing balance poses - and I usually don't. I have learned to push up against the floor. Lifting UP, focusing on UP - helps my balance.

For a long while - I used one thick mat on top of my regular mat for pilates only. Now I only use my very thin/sticky yoga mat for pilates too.

I still use my yoga blankets for extra padding - like in headstand or shoulder stand or behind my butt - to push me forward when I am working on that darned sitting up straight with my legs straight out in front of me thing. If we are doing TONS of work on our hands and knees - I still sometimes use a folded towel under my knees.

This spring marks my third year of nearly daily yoga. It has taken me much of this time to get used to the floor - To be totally comfortable with the floor.