I know when something is TOO much for me - and IT doesn't roll into food any more - but sometimes IT rolls to the floor

The boy that is the same age as the youngest - where I was the calming force for the mother when he was a baby - had the same reaction as a child - that I STILL do - when I absolutely can't cope - have to protect myself - fetal position.

When the little boy was doing (fetal position) as a toddler and preschooler - the mother had no idea. One day she commented (to me) that every time she turned around - he was on the ground.

And I said - yes, he is ON the ground - but what he is doing is fetal position.

And this shocked her.

And I was right - not over reacting - that IS what the child was doing.

Mine isn't all the way on the ground - it is more of a squat with my arms wrapped around my legs and my head tucked.

Was I beaten regularly as a child? Nope. But after reading all that - it was probably the first place your mind went.

An example of something that sent me into a squat?

The day that my husband's brother called to say he had separated from his wife. Am I particularly fond of her - no - but she TOLD him from the very beginning that she never wanted children. And she had no idea this was coming. She is just turning 50 and is now alone and in a bad financial situation. (Do I think that my husband would divorce me - NO.) But hearing my husband's side of the conversation in the car was unsettling (sitting in the parking lot at the grocery store - we were on our way IN). When we got to the produce section - it hit me hard and down I went.

Another example? Walking over to my mom's house - just before the oldest left for college. My husband said something that was insightful (which is rare) and down I went - squatting in the middle of the sidewalk on the edge of a busy road. My husband thought I was having an attack or seizure of some kind (maybe this is why he stays oblivious - it might be easier on him.)

So, no it isn't over anything terribly threatening to me - and nothing physical. It is more like moments when my guard is down and something catches me by surprise. And you know - not much catches me by surprise - any where - any time.

I am very familiar with squats now - because I do all sorts of them in yoga and free weights. And I recognize that I REALLY have that 'tuck' instinct - when something is too much.

And in exercise - it is actually a very handy reflex - pain in my lower back - wobblies/dizzies - down I go into a squat - it is pure reflex. I am usually down and safe before I even realize I HAD the pain or dizzies.

So I personally do not find it to be a flaw or embarrassing. It is my built in barometer - with very quick reflexes.

And at the grocery store - as long as I take produce down with me - I can pretend I dropped it. Or I guess on the sidewalk I can pretend I am examining ants. And I am not easily embarrassed. I could be in my underwear and squatting and it probably wouldn't phase me. Things are what they are.

Beside the exercise thing - in the rest of my life - I hardly ever have that instinctive squat reaction - because I am very careful where I put myself.

I am not a 'public' kind of person. I do not go to free, open to the public type things. I tend to stick to private things where I know the kind of crowd that will attend and the noise volume and the quality of the lighting and the safety factors.

I don't think timid - I think 'higher' end.

This general topic came up on the way home from the open house - because the girls both said that they missed that family and asked WHY we had stopped seeing them for the past couple years.

I did not belittle the question.

The answer was because I could not take them.

There was a revolving door of babies through that house. Crack babies, toddlers removed from their mothers, all sad, sad stories. And that has finally all settled down.

They are down to one baby (the one year old) - that they have had since birth - that is thriving - and that they hope will stay with them. And that I can take.

So the girls stayed away - because I stayed away - when it was all too much.