what will they remember?

I mentioned that the middle child added pictures to my flcker account on the 4th.

She also went through my whole slide show while she was there. She had never been on my flcker account before - had a very good time looking at all the pics.

She loved all the ones of Helen - who she adores.

When she saw the side angle one with my BELLY - she said that it was probably very convenient for carrying kids (it actually was). Have you ever heard of a more diplomatic response to a really bad belly picture? I suppose she thinks of those pictures as 'baby years' and therefore isn't too horrified.

ME? I am still slightly shocked each time I see that particular picture. There are almost NO standing pictures from a (15 year time) period and even in the sitting ones, I almost always have a kid or two in/on/in front of me. When I see that picture it isn't so much cringe or ego factor - it is more remembering how far I had to go, how much I had to DO, to get from there to here. Not interested in putting myself in the position of having to do it all again. . .

If you look at that picture and say - well - you just had a baby - that baby was born in January and from the clothes it looks like June or July. And my belly WAS the biggest part of me for a l-o-n-g time. Baby or no.

(Beside the belly) It is my neck and face and upper arms that really stand out to me in pictures. I actually am just as shocked by the picture of me in the green shirt - where I had taken off my glasses - as I am by the belly picture. And the gree shirt picture was taken near the start of this blog - when I was well into my losing phases.

Besides all that (above) what I really wanted to talk about is that my kids pretty much only think of me as I am now. Even the oldest.

They remember that my food habits were very different - they can see/remember that change.

But my body - not so much.

The exercise habits and the body size that I have now - are just the normal to them.

Remember that I actually ASKED the oldest what he remembered about my larger size body - and he REALLY did not remember.

I mentioned (to him) that I lost for two years and then maintained for two years and am now in my fifth year (losing the last bits) and - he was a little startled.

He counted back to see what ages/grades he was when all of this was going on and even after he placed the time frame - he couldn't really remember much about it.

This also came up (with him) not too long ago about my middle child pregnancy. I was on IV's and bed rest for most of that pregnancy. I was home - but non functioning.

And the oldest has very little memory of any of that year. And I know why - because HIS life was no different.

He still ate his meals and had his friends and went to preschool. I was immobile but still read books and did puzzles/games and watched movies. Actually he probably had MORE of me - because I did not go anywhere or do anything and worked hard to keep his life normal.

So the difficulties of that time period - that all of the rest of us remember - went right over his head (he was three and turned four just before middle child was born).

I totally understand that this is normal kid think.

They pretty much notice what impacts them. So the food changes they remember - because when my food habits changed - eventually their eating changed. But my body size did not impact them directly - so that they sort of let roll.

My blog account is minimized at the bottom of the house computer screen pretty much all the time. And everyone in the house is on and off that same computer. Does anyone click to read??? - I don't think ever.

Before you get any ideas that they are respecting my privacy - just set that aside - everyone still barges in on me on the toilet and the tub. (But they have stopped stripping and jumping IN with me every time I am in the tub - the toddler days are over).

It is more a matter that it has little to do with them.

Even on the days that I mention something I wrote about one of them - they are interested in those little bits - but SO not interested in anything else. They would consider it a CHORE to read my blog.

Moms are important - but only as kids' foundations - not as separate people (to the kids).

My husband is very much the same way - much more interested in me if I am not doing well - because he knows if I bottom out - he is going to have to pick up the slack.

If I am doing well - he doesn't analyze WHY I am doing well - he just takes it at face value and goes on with HIM.

I don't take this personally. I think most men are self centered (not to a glaring degree - but pretty much revolve in their little world. I think the ones that have been divorced are better - they know the hell of all that - and take action to keep things smooth and keep their new partner happier. But I think part of that is self serving too.)

Where in the heck was I?

I think I was here - with this point: My kids memories will not be of a fat mom. And I was fat for most of their childhoods. My kids memories seem to be of healthy food, and lot of exercise activities and a lean, fit body.

I guess most of us struggle with the fact that we live in the past. And live in our woulda-shoulda-coulda's. But if we get our kids on their feet (which we mostly seem to) - our kids do not think that way. Our kids live in the present.