AFTERS

I am not sure if AFTERS is my term or if I read it somewhere else, long ago, and adopted it. What I mean by AFTERS is the very common phenomenon where we hold on tight, keep it together DURING an event or time of difficulty, and then when we think we are safely past, it bites us in the butt. This biting of the butt can be falling into counterproductive food, exercise, water, sleep or personal habits. The event does not have to be negative. I would say the event is anything that take us out of our normal routine.

Believe it or not, I did not have a label for AFTERS. I added one with today's post. I will query on the word AFTER and attach those posts to this new label, when I have time.


My Mayo AFTERS hit in waves.

And actually I am not sure it was just Mayo. Might be holiday afters added in there too. And also oldest going back to college after being with us for two full weeks.

When I first returned home from Mayo, I would have a couple difficult hours here and there.

A full week after we returned home, I had my hardest days.

I was expecting it.

I am still expecting it.

I have always operated on the reality that AFTERS can hit up to three full weeks after each incident.

And if the hit is hard enough, that can have sort of AFTER rebound effect for another three weeks.

The ripple can last for a very long time.***

I had almost four weeks of solid incident between my drawn out colon tests and our trip with the youngest to Mayo.

My state of vulnerability was/is shaky.

I am very careful.


"A comfortable home is a great source of happiness. It ranks immediately after health and a good conscience."
Sydney Smith


Last Sunday 1/8/12, 10 days after our return, had the makings of a very bad day.

I had not thought to have husband and middle take all the Christmas things down before we returned.

Last Sunday 1/8/12, in the midst of packing them, with middle and husband helping, I was not a happy camper.

Mental note - have him clean out refrigerator, go to grocery store, take care of anything out of the normal, before I return if I am gone for more than a few days.

Middle said she thought about taking Christmas things down while we were gone but didn't pursue it.

My husband would have operated under the (false) assumption I would have wanted them left intact.

But if they had called to ask, I would have known to say - take down everything but the tree. But I didn't think of it on my own, in the midst of being gone.

And remember, middle had the forethought to only put lights on the tree so that was an easy take down.

Husband also did not take gifts over to my mother when they went on Christmas day, as he thought I would not want to miss it.

He had also told me he would get something for my mother's husband and didn't.

He is clueless frequently.

Never occurred to me he would not take care of all of it, so I didn't double check. Note - to self, do not assume that because he said he was doing something, he did it. It does not insult him to double check. He appreciates double checks.

We took Christmas and her birthday presents over last week (1/1/12).

I said (to husband, with no malice) - I have nothing in mind for her husband and since the occasion;was already missed, I will just wait until I find something good, later in the year, and I let it go. I genuinely let it go, no grudging letting go.

That letting it go is real growth.

He also did not take middle to get her college books. I take that back, he took her to get them, but had not checked to be sure the bookstore would be open so it was futile trip. And yes, I had warned him the bookstore hours would be very erratic and to call first.

I let that go too.

We had our Christmas on New Years Day and I did very well with it. Did not take everything down that day as it was one of the few days of break the youngest had and oldest was going back to college the very next day.

But a week later, 1/8/12, taking everything down, was too much. But it was really the day to do it. Middle's college class has not yet started, she had time, my husband had time, I was sick of looking at the added clutter of all the holiday stuff.

I wasn't ugly on the outside, taking things down,  I was not complaining (much), just didn't help my day. Made me feel on the edge.

Mostly the refrigerator standing in the middle of the kitchen didn't help my day either. (It was fixed on 1/9/12 and now is working and in its place).

As soon as the Christmas stuff was done, Sunday 1/8/12, I started in on the youngest's closet and room.

She felt so bad through most of October and November that it had fallen an the wild side. She lost most of her Christmas break to Mayo. On Sunday 1/8/12, she worked on sorting things while I did the leg work. Still not great, but can walk through her room, all her clothes are clean and put away, and there is some semblance of order.

Pile of mail is next on the list (done 1/11/12, I dawdled for another week on this after arriving home, but then did it), then bathroom. Not only cluttered, but very dirty.

Prioritize, let the chaff go, keep facing forward.

I have not have problems with rumination though all of this.

I have not gotten sucked down the vortex (one thing starting the sucking feeling and then everything else that has ever happen, related or not related, making the vortex wider and stronger).

It gets easier and easier to find empowerment.

It is like a yoga practice, but it is life practice.



*** Not sure who, but someone once wrote a very good post. long ago, talking about after cycle in relationship to holidays, birthdays, vacations, illness etc. She was looking at the wave of afters which had the potential to last her whole calendar year. She mapped out a whole year, saw how there were many events in her life each month, and realized it was an even pattern throughout the year. It was sort of like the dominoes of her life. No gaps big enough to stop the momentum, if she let the negative pattern start. I am not sure if she was able to apply this knowledge as I can't remember who it was. But she had the potential to make a real change at that point, because she saw it clearly.