Besides everything that went on with ME, and is going on with the youngest, my husband's job was at risk (we know now that he is okay, at least for a while), and my husband has a lump in his neck.
We know it has to come out, we are just waiting for the results of the ultrasound guided/needle biopsy to see how they will remove it.
It is near his thyroid and is big enough that it is pushing his adam's apple off center.
So even though that is still in front of us, it is far enough along in the process to feel like we are not just waiting.
I hate waiting. I am learning to do better at waiting.
The job thing was a lot of waiting, as we had know for two months they were making changes, but it wasn't until a couple weeks ago that we knew what the changes were specifically.
Before we knew about the lump, I had already said to my husband - I don't think I can take much more.
I have been feeling like I was barely treading water for months now.
When I saw my therapist yesterday she said - you have had BIG thing after BIG thing.
I have.
I know some people have it much worse.
And, I know some people can barely take care of themselves and their gerbil on a daily basis with no drama.
I am somewhere in between those two ends.
I am now in the habit of emailing or texting specific topics to my therapist as they happen. I do this so if I need help quickly, she is current on the state of things.
It used to be that I had a hard time knowing how to bring things up to her. I would dally at appts.
I think this seems weird coming from me, because I am very much a to the point person. But it was like I hemmed and hawed for 30 minutes and then had very limited time to talk. I did that for a long time. It was a real issue for me. I think I was never sure if my things were valid. I think the hesitancy came from that feeling.
Then I got better at bringing things up as soon as I walked in the door. And I think as we talked about things, I realized that my things were valid. That was real progress.
Now I tend to send the big topics in advance. I send the briefest of messages and then when I see her, she is eager to hear the rest and we dive right in to the topic. Not one minute wasted.
I am also learning to do better at waiting without ruminating. I try to think about things logically and work out all the alternative options, be ready for all that I can, stay current on the other issues, so things do not avalanche, but not wish for control that is not possible. I guess accepting, truly accepting there are things I can do and things beyond my doing, and know the difference.
My husband has been taking care of his own things. He has scheduled all his appts, followed through on all his paperwork/tests etc. I have not had to do one thing nor gone to one appt.
At some point I will need to be involved (like the day of surgery) but not yet. It is important to prioritize my time. It is important for him to take care of his own stuff.
I have a very tight schedule with household, kids and my Tuesday/Thursday workouts. If you work full time this will seem odd (it will seem like I should have all the time in the world, but I don't).
If you think of elderly couples you know where things are very lopsided, one of them always seems to be in charge or responsible, I am speaking from the point of view of avoiding that cycle.
No, we are not elderly, but we are nearer elderly than we are college age.
If you have been married to the same man for a long time, you will understand exactly what I mean about having him be responsible for himself and following through on EACH and EVERY thing.
He asks me at least once a week where we keep the flashlights. The answer is always the same - one in the drawer under the toaster, one on my nightstand, one on each of the girls' nightstands, a battery lantern one under my nightstand, another lantern one in the pantry, one in my car.
When he asked me for a flashlight yesterday, I did not snap.
I said, look me in the eye and listen very carefully. And I repeated the list.
So, him taking care of his own medical stuff is BIG.
And do not suggest buying him his own flashlight. He would never know where it was.
They just called, the biopsy was inconclusive. We still do not know if the thyroid, artery or vocal cord is involved. We still do not know if it is cancer, but the doctor tends to think NOT at this point.
14 comments:
Your husband taking responsibility at this point for his appointments is HUGE! Take it from me, it is very draining having to manage a grown man's doctors appointments/meds and once you start, they just seem to expect it.
I love this line you posted:
"I guess accepting, truly accepting there are things I can do and things beyond my doing, and know the difference." Very important!
And emailing things as they happen to your therapist is very smart! You have learned how to micromanage your short visits to get the most out of them.
Keeping your husband and family in my prayers!
Oh, Vickie. You and your family are in my prayers.
Living with uncertainty is HARD - my husband and I both work in an industry that is changing to the point of we may no longer have jobs. My job is more secure, which, while I make a bit less, I carry family insurance, so that's a positive. But my husband's job is quite uncertain, and it seems like the prospects change every day. What I find myself doing is saying I can't worry about it until I KNOW there's something to worry about. Otherwise, the "what if's" take over my life. I don't know if this is a head in the samd reaction, but it's what I need to do in order to function. My husband and daughter need me to keep functioning, and so do I. But even though I tell myself not to worry, it's still there, in an unsettled feeling - and sometimes I find myself giving myself permission to eat, because it will make me feel better. We all know this is the opposite, but it's a reaction that takes a lot of diligence to change.
(I work full time, Vickie, and know that we all have time commitments, whether we work outside the home or not. I actually see time at work as a break:)
Definition of Serenity, in what you wrote: "not wish for control that is not possible. I guess accepting, truly accepting there are things I can do and things beyond my doing, and know the difference."
Thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers.
What a blessing to have a therapist that can be so connected to your life. She is such a lifeline for you.
What a relief your husband's job is OK. I'm so thankful you don't have that on your mind anymore.
Vickie, you have gone through the very BIG things lately, and now you have your husband's health issue to deal with. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome.
Glad to hear that his job is stable. I hope that his pathology results are negative. It's so good that he can take care of his medical appointments on his own, and I know what you mean about long-married couples. My husband is constantly telling me to "remind" him to do things, and I have gotten to the point where I respond that he has to organize himself.
Take care of yourself during these stressful situations.
Hi Vickie, I read your blog daily and I feel like I missed something. What happened to ME? If you can't or don't want to write about her I understand, I'm just curious.
She moved out on 12/10. (Moved in with another family. I ran into her a week or two ago and she said that she was probably moving again. I didn't ask why.) If you go back and look at posts around that time, I think I might have talked about it in comments.
We had always told her that the time would come and she would have a better opportunity (like a family from her own religion, or a larger city, or the like). We had always said when that time we would understand.
That is not what happened. She and I had pretty much come to an impasse as she just wanted to do whatever she wanted to do. A very good example is she kept burning out tutors. It is very hard to find college professors to donate their time. She went through two. She would say she wanted one, but then would not do the work.
I held my boundaries firmly.
My best summary is this - What I expect from my kids by 3rd grade, she was not willing to do (being responsible) and she felt that she should be able to do her own thing (what I saw as irresponsible) because she was 21.
My mother commented that she seemed to get worse about this stuff instead of better over the course of a full year.
You would have thought with the example of my own kids, she would have just stepped up.
It was not cultural. I consulted a psychiatrist from her part of the world and he said it was 100% behavioral with this particular girl. And he told me to stand my ground, be clear, be fair and then what she decided to do was her business, not mine. My therapist agreed.
Not every post, but many times there is a lot of further information in my comments.
Often this is when I do not want a subject to be 'searchable'.
You can leave a comment and then check the box that asks my blog to send you a copy of follow up comments to your email. this does not mean anyone (including me) knows your email. It is a behind the scenes, invisible process.
and as always, any comment you leave on a post (on my blog), even if my post is many years old, is automatically sent to MY email inbox. It shows me your comment and tells me which post (it actually gives me a link back to my old post).
I do not receive notice of your email address, just a copy of your comment.
surgery scheduled for 2/13
I will be thinking of you and your husband, as you move toward surgery. I must say that your family needs a break, Vickie. I will be praying for the best outcome.
As for ME, I am not surprised that she may be moving again. I think I commented to that effect when you were going through the last phase of her living in your home. You did what you could, and now it's up to ME to make a life.
I don't know if I talked about this much - but before we went to Mayo, the ultrasound (that sent us to mayo) indicated there was something very wrong with youngest's pancreas.
We did NO research on pancreas.
I didn't even tell Youngest because if she had gotten on the computer it would have been very disturbing to read.
And remember when the doctor called, the first thing he said was it was not her GI system and not her pancreas. He said if he had been calling about her pancreas it would have been a very bad conversation.
Husband's ENT surgeon asked if we wanted to come in to discuss all the possibilities before his surgery.
And we said - actually NO.
I said privately to my husband - I would pay a lot of money to NOT have to participate in that conversation. If I had to participate, do you think they would notice if I had my fingers in my ears and was humming?
There is no doubt it needs to come out. And that is all anyone knows at this point. Any further conversation is pure guessing. It is what it is. We will find out when surgeon really knows. And then we will deal with it.
I'm glad to read they are getting your husband in fairly quickly for surgery. And I totally understand about not wanting to know possibilities at this point (and not telling your daughter about the pancrease also). Sometimes having the internet at your fingertips can be a scary thing with all the information (some correct some not) out there.
And so glad that ME is now with another family. Could see that was added stress's to a family that wasnt getting any better.
You certainly are going - and have been - going through a lot lately. It's a good thing you are so far into your process to be able to handle all of this, and to know what you should be concerned about and what not. I will keep my fingers crossed for the best possible outcome with your husband's surgery.
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